Eid Moooobarak!

Barack Obama graduates from Harvard. Mark Zuckerberg drops out of Harvard. To cover all bases in order to succeed, I graduate from BUET and University of Michigan but drop out of Berkeley. Maybe I am seeing a shimmering light as I get featured on Comedy Central. And then my tour of shows at the Zee TV Desi Comedy Festival in the US with the opening line: "I'm a Muslim. This is my last series of shows in the US before Donald Trump becomes president."

Even if Mr. Trump doesn't make it to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue (of course he can always as a tourist), it's just not that I can lay out my prayer rug in the middle of a shopping mall in Uncle Sam's land and start praying without attracting some uncomfortable attention. But necessity is the mother of invention. If you can't find a mosque in the vicinity (surprisingly it's hard not to in the US), pick a large clothing store right at that very mall, pick a shirt as a pretext to enter the trial (fitting) room, lock the door and say your prayers at peace and privacy. Just make sure you don't pick a piece of attire of the opposite gender. If you still get accosted later on based on a candid CCTV camera footage of your 'suspicious' acts INSIDE the fitting room, you can always make a fast buck by suing the store for being a peeping tom. One thing, don't use the piece of clothing as a prayer rug – I don't think my religion will look at me kindly for praying at the cost of soiling a fresh attire I didn't pay for. 

Note, some places may have a policy of 'no clothes, no trial room' (sounds like don't ask, don't tell). 

I take pride in inventing this clever scheme of being a practicing Muslim in a Donald Trump like setting. After all, I am of a people who are ingenious at every step. Example, a recent clever way of grabbing government land for an illegal market in Chatmohar Upazila – it's named 'AC Land Supermarket'. I'm sure the 'explanation': "Air Conditioned [as opposed to Assistant Commissioner], Land [as opposed to floating] Supermarket."

Then I doubt my brilliance – I'd be surprised if I'm the inventor as claimed above. I'm sure smarter minds are ten steps ahead, such as those in France with precise store policies: "No praying inside trial rooms." After all, French President Francois Holland has recently said: "Islam could coexist with French values." But I thought it did – when the French occupied Morocco and Algeria. Just as it does now based on my own experiences. During a comedy show of mine in Paris' beautiful and artsy Théâtre de Dix Heures, located in the not so artsy red light district of Pigalle, it is the same French comedians who stand in guard in front of the green room as I quickly say my Maghreb prayers, making sure the cabaret dancers just finishing up their acts on stage don't enter the green room and freak out discovering a 'terrorist'. All is not doom and all French are not burkini-banning mayor material. 

Hey, even in Bangladesh, saying our prayers used to be a matter of praise and appreciation, now that of suspicion. Chanting Allahu Akbar (Allah is Great), unless I'm the Imam leading a prayer in a mosque, prompts people to duck to the ground. 

Is that one reason we 'escape', instead of 'celebrate' religious occasions such as Eid? If it's a matter of status to leave town for a foreign vacation, then I sure am not up to the mark as I choose to stay put in Dhaka. But I guess it's all a matter of personal choice. But with some Bangladeshis visiting Bangkok and complaining about how crowded it is there due to Bangladeshis being there for Eid, is something we can do without. After all, they themselves are part of the 'problem', if it must be called so. It's like complaining about traffic without realising they are the traffic. 

But all I say to you all, irrespective of colour, race, religion, cast is . . . Eid Moooobarak!

The writer is an engineer at Ford & Qualcomm USA and CEO of IBM & Nokia Siemens Networks Bangladesh turned comedian (by choice), the host of ABC Radio's Good Morning Bangladesh and the founder of Naveed's Comedy Club. 

E-mail: naveed@naveedmahbub.com.