How to deal with parents’ unrealistic expectations in 20s

In Bangladesh we still live with our parents when we are in our twenties. We are either in the last years of our universities or looking for jobs after freshly graduating. But mostly wondering what we need to do or how far we need to go to fulfill the growing list of expectations of our parents and the society.

“How many roads must a man walk down, Before you call him a man?”

BCS

In this densely  populated country, thousands of people graduate every year. If you are not among the doctors and engineers, then the only career option left for you is to be a BCS cadre.

But sadly the number of aspirants along with the weight of expectation on the shoulders of each aspirant is much more than the vacancy.

With blissful ignorance parents ignore this simple statistics and keep on dreaming for their boy or girl to be a BCS cadre.

“Aada jol kheye lege poro”, “naowa khaowa baad diye porasona koro” “GK mukhosto koro khali mukhosto” “Shomaje mukh dekhabo kibhabe” are some of the common inspirational quotes from parents to help their child go through this excruciating process that we call the BCS exam.

Marriage

If you are a girl in your mid-20s in Bangladesh, then you know what I am talking about. Your parents are in great dilemma trying to figure what they want more, BCS or BA (marriage)? If you by any chance try to help them out of their misery and declare that it’s your career you want to focus on and do not want to think about marriage any time soon, they will definitely act like the heroine in typical Dhallywood film who has just heard the news of her husband’s untimely death.

Because we all know the deadline of securing a position in Bangladesh Civil Services and securing a “good” husband in the country is the same, that is 30 years of age. (Some will disagree and say the deadline for marriage for a girl is even lower).

One of my friends’ mother even went as far as saying “I would exchange all your education for your consent to get married”.

But my friend remembers her mother always wanting “only an educated daughter and nothing else” up to the moment she expressed hesitation about getting married.

Be like ‘X’

Our parents always want us to be like someone else, be that your first cousin or your neighbor’s child, or a distant relative of the same age or anybody at the range of their sight. In any given situation your parents are able to find an example to show who you should be like, rather than being yourself. Sometimes the examples come as similes and metaphors. Sometimes there’s even no remark, just a look of grievance, dissatisfaction and grouse, enough to make you question your right to exist.

How to cope if you fail

You failed in fulfilling your parents’ dreams? Fear not, you’ll gradually learn to cope with the overwhelming feeling of failing the very ones responsible for your arrival on Earth on your own! After all suffering from your parents’ disappointed look every waking moment of your life is a very common phenomenon anyway.

Or are you one of those lucky ones who succeed in fulfilling your parents’ dream and become a BCS cadre doctor, (not to mention that they now have bigger dreams for you, like FCPS, children, a big name), but in return failed your dream of becoming a literature major? Do not worry, I’ll teach how to deal with the frustration of not being able to even give a try to the passion of this one and only life of yours.

Project your dreams and passion onto your future children

Your father had a dream of becoming a magistrate and your mother wished to become a doctor, but due to lack of “proper guidance”, of which you have plenty, they couldn’t fulfill their dreams. So they went on to project themselves and their dreams upon you. So you do the same, because surely you know what’s best for your children, and even though your parents were wrong about knowing the best for you, you are not.

At this stage I remember a poem by Philip Larkin,

“They f**k you up, your mum and dad. 

    They may not mean to, but they do. 

They fill you with the faults they had

    And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f**ked up in their turn

    By fools in old-style hats and coats.”

The truly wise Rabindranath Tagore, whom your parents always complain this generation knows nothing about, once said,

“Don’t limit a child to your own learning, for he was born in another time.”