Why You Should Never Trust an Ilish Machh

The merry occasion of Pahela Baishakh is upon us once again, bringing with it the delight of festivities and jubilation of starting anew. But with the songs and drum rolls come the fear of something a bit darker, a menace which hides under the guise of a familiar face. Yes, I'm talking about the ilish machh. This has always been one of the more controversial topics and it seems to quickly divide people due to the nature of the debate. On one hand, we have people hailing ilish machh as a blessing and a delicacy and on the other we have people doubting the true motives of the fish. I take no shame in admitting that I'm of the latter and for valid reasons. Here's why the silver coated, festival-adorning attraction is not to be trusted:

The Old Tale: There's a folklore about ilish machh that not many seem to know these days (I suspect foul play on the part of the fish in hiding it). Have you ever noticed a little black meaty portion in the side of your piece of ilish? The legend goes that once upon a time an ilish and a deer raced each other with the condition that the loser will have to give a portion of their meat to the winner. The ilish won in the end as the deer's antlers got tangled in the vines while the former swam through the river. So as a part of their deal, the fish took the meat from the deer and started wearing it by its sides. That's why they have a black portion of meat on their body. 

A monster that wears the meat of its opponent as trophy. Does that sound like a trustworthy individual to you?

Something Fishy: When biting into a delicious piece of ilish, did you ever get the feeling that there's something, well, fishy about them? Something you can't quite put your finger on. It's always as if they're hiding something behind their iron-cold stare and suspiciously-sparkly scales. They have the same calm but menacing appearance as Agent Smith from Matrix. And Agent Smiths are not people you should be putting your trust in.

Perfection shouldn't exist: Nothing is perfect. It's a simple realisation we have come to terms with in the course of our growing up. But ilish machh disregards this fundamental idea with the perfection of its eggs. Ilish machher dim has been a historic weakness for Bengalis. The slight crunch of the outer layer, granulated texture that greets you on the first bite, that mild but luscious taste that fills your mouth soon after…It's quite simply, perfect. Perhaps too perfect. Look I don't want to say much but all I'm saying is that if I wanted to secretly invade a civilisation I'd do it with food that they can't say no to.

E-lish: Ilish sounds like an up and coming e-commerce start-up, and if experience has taught me anything it's that how unreliable they are. Faulty products, misleading pictures, paid reviews and what not are sure to plague whatever new venture they carry out. Would you be gullible enough to fall for the same old trick? 

Terrible Parents: Ilish machh have always been terrible at parenting, this isn't even up for debate. They come from the far away sea to our rivers just so they can drop off their eggs and be back to their own business. No hugs or goodbyes or even a simple "Don't forget your breakfast." How is this acceptable behaviour? Doesn't this affect your trust in this species?

It's always a complicated task to judge someone and I'm never the one to jump the gun. But all things considered I think we should be more careful around ilish machh when it comes to these things. I'm not saying we should build a wall, but would building a dam really be that xenophobic? I will let you decide.

Nuren Iftekhar is your local stray cat in disguise; he interacts with people for food and hates bright light. He got Hufflepuff 3 times straight in Pottermore so no walking around that one. Send him obscure memes at n.iftekhar18@gmail.com