Red means go, Green means stop

If you are learning to drive in Dhaka, do not waste time reading about traffic rules. Dhaka has its own unique unspoken rules for its streets. Learning written rules or driving properly will not save you from getting hit by someone else or hitting something while driving. Here are some incomplete rules:

First, red means go, green means stop. Orange means nothing. Please do not follow the signal lights to risk your dear life. To understand when to cross an intersection, the safest way is to follow any bus. Buses and minibuses set the rule.

Second, use the footpaths if you are riding a bike (optionally car). Using the footpaths for just walking is a sheer waste of space, so feel free. If you are a pedestrian, please use the road to walk at any direction you like. If you are lucky, some bus will hit you and send you to your destination faster than light.

Third, do not stop your motorcycle or car below the window of any bus or minibus. If you are compelled to stop by a bus, say at a traffic signal, keep an umbrella handy. Invariably, there will be a few bus passengers who'd like to throw up their delicacies through the window and drench you/your vehicle.

In case you are a medical student in such a situation: you can challenge yourself to determine when the food was taken before being thrown up by judging how much of it had been digested and what he/she had eaten.

Fourth, watch out for minibuses and motorcycles. The minibuses are out to kill you and the motorcycles are dying to get smashed by your car.

Fifth, you can always put the motorcyclists at fault when you have an accident with them. Even when you are at fault, you will find bigger faults with them like: his cellphone is sticking out of his helmet by his ear, meaning he was talking while riding; he came from the wrong direction through a red light; half of his bike is still on the footpath over which he was taking a shortcut; the bike rider is not a human being; his bike has no brakes, lights, fuel or even an engine etc.

Sixth, if you are a motorcyclist, you are the biggest winner next to a minibus driver in this city. No law, natural or manmade, is applicable for you. As long as you are driving a motorbike, you can defy gravity, you can fly and you can even date Marilyn Monroe by reviving her from the grave. But watch out for those minibuses.

Seventh, if you are a bus driver -- you are the ultimate Guru; the king of kings and your bus is the lord of the ring. You set the rule. You decide where to stop your bus to pick or drop a passenger. You decide who lives or who dies on the streets of Dhaka. You can stop one million other vehicles behind you when you wish to stop your vehicle sideways. Don't be afraid of the traffic police, because Shipping Minister Shajahan Khan will personally protect you.

Finally, watch out for jaywalkers. Unlike other city streets of the world where young punks indulge in street racing using sports cars, Dhaka hosts across-street racing using jaywalkers (punks of all ages and genders). They race just below foot bridges or underpasses and if you, stuck by a flood of jaywalkers at a crossing where you waited for a signal for 10 minutes, honk at them, they will snap back at you threateningly waving whatever they are carrying with them.

Please be sympathetic towards the traffic police. I once asked a traffic police why he did not say anything to a driver who had just disobeyed his signal and gone in the wrong way, his reply was, “I am afraid! You never know who he is.”

Yes, the final word is -- in Dhaka, everyone except you, is someone above the law.