Big Sister is watching you

I have to admit that after all these years of marriage, I still haven't given my wife the legendary football sized, ok, cricket ball sized, ok, ping pong ball sized, ok, marble sized, ok, pellet sized diamond ring. But the longer I wait, the higher the risks for me because after 18 years of marriage and three kids, when she sports that giant diamond ring, all eyes will be on me, blaming me for the Kobe Bryant syndrome. That's Kobe of the Los Angeles Lakers who tried, but miserably failed to reconcile with his wife with a giant diamond ring after cheating on her. 

The legendary gigantic diamond comes in other shapes and forms. Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi breaks protocol as he himself receives Bangladesh's PM Sheikh Hasina at a New Delhi airbase. We are elated. Park Street in Kolkata is renamed. We are thrilled and honoured, assuming the fate of the street's name doesn't end up with that of Bombay turned Mumbai. 

Appreciate the diamonds. But what gives Saffron Kobe? Who is the mystery woman? No surprise. It's Mamata Banerjee. I wonder if the master of ceremonies at the Delhi event went through a Freudian slip with the West Bengal Chief Minister in mind, when he asked the two PMs on the dais to 'step down'. 

What ends up stepping down is the Teesta Deal. After all, the Bangladeshi delegation didn't include the greatest 'deal maker' of all, Donald Trump. Then again, Trump and Banerjee together would have come up with the final solution – a wall-dam. Worse, he would (mis)interpret the stench near the Teesta Barrage area as sinister chemical emissions and order a Tomahawk strike. 

No, no! We are pacifists. Our PM meets with the West Bengal Chief Minister one on one, to no avail, thus the latter turning Hyderabad House into Hyderabada$$ House. "We have no Teesta water to share." True that the Teesta has no water left for sharing as it's all used up for teary eyed scenes of Zee Bangla drama serials for which Bangladesh, as part of attaining full trade balance, exports over 100 million Bangladeshi viewers. 

But wait, she has a solution, based on her recently acquired degree in Civil Engineering. She suggests the use of water from the Dhanshiri River instead. I think our Dhanshiri Restaurant has more water than the Dhanshiri River.

We don't give up hope. Our PM herself cooks a savoury steamed hilsa at a dinner she hosts, only to be politely declined by Ms Banerjee as it being too early for dinner. But fear not, the hilsa junkie has promised to have hot hilsa to her cold heart's content when she and Godot visit Bangladesh. And when that happens, we will surely roll out the red carpet, though, thanks to dried up rivers, we can at that time offer, at best, jatka shutki. In all fairness, she has also promised to reciprocate the hospitality with her own culinary concoction. My guess, that will be two salted biscuits ('nonta bishkut') and a cup of tea ('ek kaap chaa') made from fresh Teesta water followed by the mandatory warmth of "Sis, you must finish the whole thing". Ok, that's my pathetic (lost in) translation of "Didi, purota khetey hobey kintu!"

Didi, I hope I don't come across as being of bad taste, though that is exactly what you leave in the mouths of millions who rely on agriculture and more. Didi, I hope I don't come across as being politically incorrect for your incorrect politics. But Didi, I do have to say that you kind of remind me of the classic landlord living upstairs, shutting off the water pump at your will. Then again you only share what belongs to you completely.

But fear not Didi, the hilsa (jatka) awaits you. And from our side, we remain friends forever, through a dry Teesta and a bargain transit.

The writer is an engineer at Ford & Qualcomm USA and CEO of IBM & Nokia Siemens Networks Bangladesh turned comedian (by choice), the host of ATN Bangla's The Naveed Mahbub Show and ABC Radio's Good Morning Bangladesh, the founder of Naveed's Comedy Club. E-mail: naveed@naveedmahbub.com