The United States of Hysteria

Sorry I'm not writing today on Rampal or the proposed Fat VAT (ok, Fat Tax). I have a feeling that the next 200 Humorously Yours columns will all be on Donald Trump. I also have a feeling that there will not be a dull moment for the next four years. The only way to shorten the sentence (no pun intended) is to have the 46th President of the United States, Mike Pence, sworn in – post-Watergate style.

Meanwhile, Hurricane Trump sweeps across the world with a barrage of executive orders – all within the first seven days (feels like seven years) of his presidency.

First – taking China head on with the Great Wall of OooSaaa (U-SA) in competition with the Great Wall of China. The latter is visible from space, the former will be visible from the crowded space of Tijuana, Mexico. I'm sure Mexico will have a bumper business of ladders.

What else did we expect? Trump is a real estate mogul (by the way, 'Mogul' is his Secret Service code name) and he HAS to go for brick and mortar. Then again, who will build this real estate with (illegal) Mexican migrants not coming in? But he seals the deal and the borders with 3M scotch tape – 'M'exicans, 'M'uslims, 'M'igrants while the University of 'M'ichigan, the Alma 'M'ater of Naveed 'M'ahbub, which refuses to disclose any information on the immigration status of 'M'uslims (I'm safe). Meanwhile 'M'utlipe Choice Questions get the 'M'ensa touch:

Question: "Donald Trump is 'M'alicious" – the statement is:

Answer: (1) True (2) False (3) An alternative Fact

The first seven days also see Trump slapping seven countries with travel bans because "they will come here to harm us." That includes the Iraqi ready to board a US bound flight after risking his life to help the US military in that very country. Oh, no ban on countries from where the 9/11 attackers originated.

Thank heavens the ban is not retroactive. Otherwise, even Jesus Christ (PBUH) himself would have had a challenge (though many are now calling out his name with an exclamation mark at the end) while the Orange Man's directive would have given us no Apple as Steve Jobs' dad was a Syrian migrant.

Also, thank heavens one of America's forefathers, Chief Cherokee, didn't sign an executive smoke signal to build a wall along the East Coast – to be paid for by Spain, or, one imposing a travel ban on seven European countries.

Trump is a man who sets precedence – a politician actually living up to his campaign promises as well as contesting the results of an election that he has won. And de ja vu from The Apprentice – the very first recipient of Trump's classic "You're fired!" is the acting Attorney General.

But it's not all doom and gloom. There will be frequent cease fires in the Middle East to read Trump's frequent tweets. History students will not have to memorize the Gettysburg Address, but Trump's 140 character (and in character) tweets. Muslims are saying their prayers at US airports amidst cheers (quoting Hasan Minhaj). US Lawyers are working pro bono around the clock to block Trump's travel ban. We're back into reading books – 75,000 copies of George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty Four get re-printed. Post Brexit, Brits unite to sign a petition to block Trump's visit to the UK (hence the meme of the Queen wearing a red cap sporting 'Make America Great Britain Again').

Then again, Trump may be uniting IS and Al Qaeeda…

The writer is an engineer at Ford & Qualcomm USA and CEO of IBM & Nokia Siemens Networks Bangladesh turned comedian (by choice), the host of ATN Bangla's The Naveed Mahbub Show and ABC Radio's Good Morning Bangladesh, the founder of Naveed's Comedy Club. E-mail: naveed@naveedmahbub.com