The week in re(ar)view

DNA testing for voting
Maybe you are getting sick and tired of the voting news and so are we. So here's some more to help you develop immunity. Voters are now required to submit a receipt of the municipal tax or house rent or an affidavit of proof of age or an attested copy of the SSC certificate. They forgot to leave out the requirements for DNA tests, proof and display of lineage to at least past 14 generations and the ability to eat heavily adulterated food without falling sick to prove Bangladeshi citizenship. Apparently the last three requirements have been left out to make things easier for those who want to vote. We think now only the ones who are truly dedicated will actually bother to go though the hassle of voting i.e. the party members.

Hail the supreme ruler
29 June, allegations were rife from opposition leader Sheikh Hasina who claimed that Prime Minister Khaleda Zia wants to claim the title of presidency. Khaleda Zia disclaimed the claim claiming that such claims are clueless conspiracies construed to crimp her credibility. Complete control over the commoners would be a comforting and considerably more satisfying consideration. Cat fights like these have been continually continuing while we the citizens sit back in constipated agony. Also we concur that purchasing only the “C” copy of the Encyclopedia was not a very clever choice.

Traffic jam in the subway
June 30, it has been okayed for a local company Contech Limited to build the countries first subway spanning 52 kilometers. They want to be able to run it for 30 years before handing it over to government. We are curious whether it will even be built in 30 years. Check for updates right here in about 30 years time.

A feel good factor
Feel good factors do not come often but when they do, well, feel good. Someone asked our Resident Conspiracy Theorist (RCT) about the existence of honest traffic cops. RCT in his usual cryptic manner replied that there are as many as there are abominable snowmen in the Himalayas. That could be anything from several million to 1. Sop there is hope that there is an honest cop. While he is to be found 5 of the dishonest type were 'closed' for toll taking which was caught by video surveillance. Just imagine what would happen if everyone decided to video cops in action.

As for snowmen, we are yet to prove that there are actually whole communities of them who sight the occasional mountaineer and excitedly tell each other that they spotted an abominable human.

By Gokhra and Mood Dude

Ever since I knew what guys meant to the female species, I knew it was him. Back in 3rd grade, when all my friends were talking about who they wanted to marry (most of them decided on Nick Carter), I knew he was the one for me. He was so tall, so good-looking, and more than anything, he ruled our school! Everybody knew who Naim was! He's the reason our school won sports tournaments, three years in a row! He was four years senior to me, yes, didn't know I existed, and had a thing for winking at every tight-dressed girl around. But still, I kept on hoping and praying, that someday one wink will be directed towards me...someday (sigh!)

Two years passed, and I was in 5th grade. The guy still didn't realize I walked on the same planet, let alone the same building as his royal cuteness. He was going to graduate soon, and to be honest, I was getting quite tired of waiting for him to realize that it was his destiny to hold my hand and go on long rickshaw rides. So with months of discussions with equally eager friends of mine, I decided I had to take some action. Girl power people, that's what it's all about!

And thus occurred, by far the most embarrassing and eventful year of my entire existence (and I swear I will jump off a cliff if I have to experience anything worse than that!). Trust me, whoever said love makes you a blind fool, was so not kidding! So blindly was I in love, I had to take glasses! Ironical.

Step One towards true love: I had to lose all the bloody weight. And well, technically I did lose 3 pounds, but I don't think my friends were being very honest when they told me I looked ravishingly slim and oh-so-trim. But anyways, it did catch the attention of the class geek if not Naim's. And thus came embarrassment number one, being proposed by the craziest math geek in class in front of the whole darned school, with Naim laughing the hardest. I felt so sorry for the poor guy that I couldn't even reject him properly; had to go with all the I-look-at-you-as-just-a-friend crap. Result- I literally had to be friends with him and thus got classified as the math geek's mate. Ugh!

Step Two: Look like a superstar! As in put a lot of make up whenever you're around your target…in my case, unfortunately, it was in school. So there I was, going to school everyday with mascara, gloss and what not on my 5th grader face. I was successful I guess, in the sense that it did attract a crazy lot of attention…from the school administration. My parents were called and although I don't know what exactly was said to them, I could get a clue from the way my mom started keeping her make-up in the locked bathroom closet. And in school, well, now I was classified as the math geek's wannabe mate. God oh god!

Step Three: Drastic measures. Since looking good wasn't working (for obvious reasons), I just had to go take drastic measures. I finally gathered the courage to go and talk to him, just casual talk, you know like hey what's up and all that. So one fine day when I felt like all those things Oprah tells you to feel like, I went up to him, said “Naim?” and ran for my life. Who was I kidding?! You can't just go up to somebody and say hey what's up! Unfortunately, I realized that after he had given me that 'who the hell are you?' look. And like they say, always trust your gal pals to open their big mouths and start talking! That very day, everybody in school knew about my 'crush', failed attempt at asking him out (God knows when hey what's up becomes asking someone out!), and on top of everything else, whenever Naim saw me after that, he looked at me with this ridiculous smirk on his face like he was James Bond or something! It's crazy how true love can die out in a fraction of a millisecond!

Thankfully, I managed to get through the year, and the smirks and rumours started dying out what with all the new rumours to smirk about. And believe it or not, it took me exactly the beginning of the new year and the new guy in school to find a new 'true love'. And Naim graduated, did his A Levels in three and a half years and probably ended up in one of those polar Universities (North-South-East-West). But incidentally, I saw him in a restaurant a few days back, and absolutely choked on my food when he came up to me and gave me the corniest line I have ever heard in my life. Couldn't help smiling to myself though; it almost felt like an achievement! Well obviously I told him to get lost.

And if any of you are feeling sorry for my math geek friend, don't. Right now, he has a girlfriend ten times prettier than most girls I know, is going to Princeton on full scholarship, and driving a BMW (his dad's but what the heck!) He has discovered the magic of contact lens and even looks good now! And moral of the story…well nothing really, just that good geeky guys turn out winners in the end…I guess!

By Fahmina Rahman

Einstein: Well, theoretically speaking, the chicken lays the egg first…and then the eggs…no…wait! How did the chicken come first? Who laid the egg that contained that chicken? Let's see if I can find a relationship between the chicken and egg mathematically…

Blondie: Mmm… Huuuhh? What is chicken? (Scratches her blonde head)

Hasina Khala: The opposition party says chicken came first… we protest against this allegation. I say hartal…more hartal…

Khaleda Afa: The opposition just can't stand it that we actually found out the truth about the chicken…

World Cup Referee: I don't care who the *&*k came first… they both get red cards!!!

Kaka(Brazillian football hottie): Uff....the chicks are killing me!!!

Beckham(England)(To Kaka): Tell me about it! I am married and I am still not spared!

Bhola: Boo, go find the truth about the chicken and egg…

Boo: warf! Ghaaoooooo!

Patriot: Who cares who came first, the fact of the matter is, there are many crows in Dhaka, but there are more Germany flags than Bangladeshi ones this month…this is baaaaad and totally sad!

Razakar: I killed plenty of chickens in 1987...

Japanese: Me-no-einglish....

Shamma: Grr…. shut up! Gotta finish the chicken assignment first…

By Shamma M. Raghib

1. Father: “Wow! What a splendid mesh of cultures where people all over the globe unite with the same hope in their hearts, same passion in their souls, same colors on their jerseys… (and blah blah blah)”

2. Mother: “Awww… I wish that poor boy can get a goal… he looks so bechara… by the way, which team is he in?”

3. Grandpa: “Hah! These kids know nothing about football! In my time, it was a game of nobility and honor and…(yada yada yada)”

4. Grandma: “All those stupid boys running after one single football… why don't they just throw a few more footballs on the field!”

5. Brother: “The best excuse stalling the exam I didn't study for.”

6. Sister: “A bunch of hot guys running around in shorts… Oooohhh!”

7. My two year old pichi cousin: “Messi… Messi… opsy I think I made meself a bit messy (sound of water dripping)!”

8. Best Friend (Reggie): “Interesting… the velocity of the ball is proportional to the length of the shorts and the size of the hair (on their legs).”

9. Girlfriend: “An exciting game that makes me wonder why I am still going out with a fat Bhombol like you!”

10. Sabrina Ahmad: “Wow! They actually play the game with their feet!”

11. Zulquarnain and Ronny: “Yes Sabrina, it's called 'F-O-O-T' ball!”

12. Me: “Let's just watch the God-damn game okay!”

By Adnan M. S. Fakir