The week in re(ar)view

What's the new catch phrase?
We had 'clean heart' and we had 'crossfire'. With a heavy heart and crossed fingers we await a new phrase to be coined up soon as the army has been deployed without valid reason. At least we, the common people feel there was no valid reason. After all, we passed miserable days of ooborodh when people died. Now things are much cooler and now the army turns up on the streets.

Chief Add-visor-over-da-eyes Iajuddins logic states that the army does not belong to any party so they will be fair and let things be free. That's all fine but where is the freedom when the said fair enforcers cannot usually be held accountable for things they shouldn't be doing? We should not hold our breath as they will patrol till the elections which is a long time away in January 23, 2007.

Wonder what new terms they will coin to explain their activities? Suggestions anyone?

Corrections
In the meantime voter list correction has started on December 8 to remove duplicate and ineligible entries. This is currently the fourth attempt of the Election Commission to update the voter list. Of course, people are not too interested in it as the procedure is rather complex. Apparently you have to eat cow intestines and jump into freezing water to prove your identity.

It is claimed that the last updated voter list had more than one crore fake voters and this monumental task is to be completed in 8 days. There's a saying that Rome was not built in one day (or even 8 days) and that was despite the fact that Romans had countless expendable slaves.

Apparently 1.4 lakh 'enumerators' are on the job correcting the corrections. Except that we have not heard of anyone who has heard of anyone who knows someone whose house was visited by an enumerator. We saw one on the newspaper though.

Thought of the day: Is an enumerator something like THE terminator (Arnie Whatshisname)? He'll be back? That's quite likely as revisions will require more revisions.

Vicious circle
What's the crime of the week? Murder? Embezzlement? The tea loving Chief Advisor deploying the army? Nope! It's a robbery. Of course, robbers have to rob, it's in their job description. This time they went for four jewelry shops and cleaned out the stock. But that's normal too. It's about how they did it. There was no techno wizardry like in the movies with people somersaulting over laser beams and bungee jumping down ventilation shafts. It was much simpler. Security guards drugged their non-cooperative colleagues and helped others pick a lock to clean out the shops. Mind you, these locks are quite high tech especially if you are a dog or a cat without opposable thumbs. It's a small wonder that all shops are not emptied out by now.

The security guards belonged to a private security company called Security Management Services (SMS). Question is, do you hire another security firm to watch over
the first one? And who watches the watchers?

By Gokhra and Mood Dude

What would it be like if your favourite Harry Potter characters were computer viruses? How would they behave? Read to find out!

Hermione Trojan: Reads all the files and creates a small index. keeps asking other programs to do the same

Hagrid Virus: Turns icons into creatures and lets them roam around the wallpaper

Voldemort Virus: Tries to split all files into seven pieces and save them on seven different drives.

Dumbledore virus: Does nothing, assures the Harry virus that things will be done. Prints out "There are worse things than a HDD crash", then uninstalls abruptly

HP fan virus: Writes huge viruses that broadcast how the Dumbledore virus is still running

Harry virus: Produces error messages stating that the Voldemort virus has deleted his root directory.

Sirius Black ad-ware: Causes pop-ups to appear, supporting the Harry virus messages, but then rolls off to the other side of the firewall

Dobby: Warns user of impending scan, and then tries to delete itself.

Lupin trojan: Installs werewolf games and themes every full moon night

By Hammad Ali

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"
The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Compiled by Subehee

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

Location: On top of empty footbridge during road blockade, street agitation, protests, etc.

What to take: snacks (in case the blockade continues and you can't come down), caps, sunglasses, friends, and miscellaneous throwing items

Activities: There's no better place than this to witness live street-fighting action below. As the political activists and the police clash, you guys can open up a few packets of Lays and enjoy all the great action from atop. If things get too boring, you can always 'liven up' a cop or two using the miscellaneous throwing items (to be used at thrower's own risk), but be careful not to be spotted. To add to the fun, start betting on the people engaged in fighting, do some target practice (seen Dawn of the Dead?), or simply enjoy the feeling of 'being on top'. If you have a camera phone, you can also try out your skills for freelance journalism.

Pros: You are safely out of range from the frequently used weaponry (including brick-bats, water-cannons and tear-shells) unless of course some over zealous, Hollywood movie watching cop decides to fire some shots up in the air to scare away the crowd.

Cons: Loaded crows, fragile overbridge (they do fall down sometimes), and also the risk of getting spotted. If that happens, at least be a man and say it was your own idea!

By Tausif Salim