By Adnan M. S. Fakir

The perfect diet for getting slim! Even worms will envy you! Recommended by RS!

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Sherlock Holmes refused to marry as that had a chance of making his judgments biased towards his “detective-ness.” Now that's dedication. Fortunately, reducing your body from that overgrown proliferating wobbly mass of carbohydrates to the likes to which even worms will envy you requires less dedication. Heck, all you need to know is a little bit of math and a calculator!

It's all in the name
Remember, at any given moment, you are burning calories from fat, from carbohydrate (glucose or blood sugar in your bloodstream), from glycogen (stored energy in your muscles) and even from protein (yes, protein is also a fuel source). Hypothetically, let us assume that in general 40% of the calories that you expend (by doing some verb) are from fat. Thus our basis for this theory is set; let us name it “The Nitty-Gritty Ittty Bitty Work against the Massive Colossal Gargantuan Fat Modus Operandi.”

Talk your way to thinness
Approximately, 1600 calories is required to burn one kg of fat. Now, obviously you are not that determined to continuously run or do exercises, so let us venture into other possibilities. For example talking on the phone! In general, talking on the phone while sitting spends 29 calories/hour and while standing spends 46 calories/hour. All hands on the calculators. This means that if you talk on the phone for 140 hours sitting, you reduce one kilogram of that wobbly thing from your body. An advantage of this method is that you get to have an excuse to talk on the phone for hours with your significant other. If any of your parents bug you, simply tell them that you are following a diet routine. Of course, you don't have to worry about the phone bill; the high phone will possibly trigger your parent's fury which will in turn induce you to be tenser and increase your metabolism, which will help you to get slim faster. Using a mobile phone is even better; because always remember, then you are adding to the country's GDP (mobile companies directly or indirectly adds 650 million dollars to Bangladesh's GDP annually!).

Brain power beats muscle power
Did you have trouble while calculating that math mentioned right above? Don't worry this has its advantages too. Experiments have shown that lower IQ people have to exert more energy to complete a task than high IQ. Of course, I am not saying that you are dumb, but I am simply pointing out the advantages.

Spicy workout
Anyways, the fact is, to burn calories all you need to be doing is just moving all the time and keep your metabolism high. This means having direct spice, aka morich, consumption. There is evidence to show that spices, especially chilli, can raise the metabolic rate by up to 50% for up to 3 hours after you've eaten a spicy meal; that should boost the diet a lot. Drinks containing caffeine also stimulate the metabolism, as do green tea. Interestingly even having cold water raises your metabolism as your body then has to generate more heat to counter the cold and maintain the body temperature. So that deal is this, in order to catalyse the diet, have spices and lots of cold water.

Tensed up writers = slim writers
You are burning calories even as you are reading this article (read = verb, remember). In general, you spend around 17 calories per hour when you read. Also, I have expended around 31 calories while writing this article. In general, you spend around 31 calories per hour when you write. This should provide several inspirations. Along with helping us get slimmer, it should motivate us to be more studious and for writers (not that I am saying that all writers are fat, but a diet is good for all) to write more, more & more; inspiration for all you other RS writers and for you readers to join RS (RS = Rising Stars, btw, just in case).

Powers of a smooch
Even kissing has its dietary uses. In every one-minute long kiss, you spend 26 calories. Please note that I am not giving you any ideas but am just sincerely stating the facts. Hey, if everything fails, even sleeping burns calories. You'll be using up 45 calories for just an hour! That's another excuse to take a nap! So now, let us prepare our dietary daily schedule:

Out of 24 hours
8 hours of sleep + 4 hours of nappy time: 216 calories
3 hours of reading the latest issue of RS everyday: 20.4 calories
3 hours of writing to send to RS: 37.2 calories
6 hours talking on telephone (4 hours sitting + 2 hours standing): 83.2 calories
Total calories burned: 356.8

Also do not forget to have morich and cold water as the catalyst every 3 hours every day. Assuming, it catalyses the metabolism by 50%, our total calories burned becomes: 535.2
Thus follow this routine for 3 days, the next time you can stand proud on that weighing machine. Without having done any work at all, you will find you have reduced one kilogram off your total past body weight.

Just don't eat anything
Of course, the primary assumption in this theory is that you will not intake any calories (aka starvation) similar to the dawn to dusk hours for Ramadan (excluding the Seheri and Iftar and all other meals). You can also take this amount to the net expenditure of calories. Thus, here I bid you farewell and the greatest of all luck for your resilient endeavours to become slim, as per, “The Nitty-Gritty Ittty Bitty Work against the Massive Colossal Gargantuan Fat Modus Operandi” method succinctly described above. Well, maybe not quite so succinctly.

This article is based on actual calorie counts carried out by actual scientists in actual labs