Last words

Everyone hopes to leave a legacy to be remembered after our passing to the other side from this mortal land to the light, at least until cryogenics figures out how to reanimate our earthly bodies or at least our brain. But why waste all that energy on running behind the fame and glory when you can simply spout one badass quote before you take the last blow and live on through eternity known as a kickass guy.

“Hurrah for anarchy! This is the happiest moment of my life”- George Engel
This guy was a union activist and founder of the Socialistic Labor Party of North America. Based on some shaky evidence, George Engel was convicted for his role in a labor riot (resulting in the death of multiple policemen) and sentenced to be hanged.

“More Weight”- Giles Corey, farmer and accused witch, while being crushed with stones.
According to colonial law, a person who refused to plead innocent or guilty of a crime could not be tried. This was particularly vexing to the courts when they had people accused of witchcraft, since they weren't going to torch themselves. Their remedy for this was "peine forte et dure", the process where the accused was slowly compacted by rocks until a plea was entered. Giles Corey, knowing he wouldn't be afforded a fair trial, challenged every plea request with the above "More weight”. He did this literally down to his last breath.

“Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French Fries'”- James French, convicted murderer.
James French was already serving a life sentence in an Ohio prison in 1966 when he began to realize that life really sucks big time. Unwilling to complete his sentence and reportedly scared of suicide, he did the only logical thing: kill his cellmate in an effort to convince the state to execute him. These were his final words while being strapped into the electric chair.

"Wait a minute"- Pope Alexander VI
He was Pope from 1492 to 1503. He is the most controversial of the secular popes of the Renaissance. After more than a week of intestinal bleeding and convulsive fevers, and after accepting last rites and making a confession, the despairing Alexander VI expired on 18 August 1503 at the age of 72. He is said to have uttered the last words "Wait a minute" before expiring.

"And now, I am officially dead."- Abram Stevens Hewitt
Mr. Hewitt was a teacher, lawyer, an iron manufacturer, U.S. Congressman, and a mayor of New York. With all these versatile lines of work it is not surprising that he wanted to announce his own death. His last words were, "And now, I am officially dead." He said this after he took his oxygen tube from his mouth.

“Now why did I do that?”- General William Erskine, after jumping from a window in Lisbon, Portugal.
Being a General must be confusing. There is ordering the troops and fighting, shouting while bodies are flying around, and some more ordering. General William was an officer in the British Army, served as a Member of Parliament. For this guy the political pressure was some added bonus. So what could he do? He ended his service in insanity and suicide by jumping from a window. Talk about self realization...

By Zabir Hasan

Girlfriend/X-Box 360?

This is a real stumper actually. Girls and X-Box 360's both require constant care, but you can have fun with the latter and turn it off till you want to play again. The former however constantly nags you till you eventually die. So seriously, which one would you choose? Let's ponder further; in a way that 'Boyfriend/Pet' article did last week. Here's a page out of Musarrat's book, except with a little more honesty. (Read a lot)

Personal Hygiene: You clean your console, on your own and make sure it doesn't get too dusty. That's the worst it can do. Get dusty. Now girls on the other hand, you can't wash the dust off. There's the stink and homeboy, if you want to get rid of the stink you have to splash major cash on perfumes, because it's somehow insulting to get a girl a deo. A toothbrush and a little Savlon will keep your console clean but with chicks you need to get then the comb, the shampoo, the conditioner (what the hell is that?), hair oil, soap for skin, soap for face and soap for mouth, tooth paste, tooth brush, lipstick, mascara etc etc. Now if a girl could afford it, she would have plastic surgery every hour whilst bathing in milk. So, keeping a girlfriend clean takes a lot of money and eventually the burden will fall on you. Stick to the console.

Obedience: A console will play any game you want it to. It will be around when you want it to. If it stops working then you can get it fixed or buy a newer one and trust me it will not mind. A girlfriend on the other hand will outlive you by 10 years on average, therefore will be around as long as you live. It will not listen to you and when you try to make it, the girlfriend will instantly label you 'controlling', 'demonic', 'male chauvinistic' and also 'loony'. Unlike a girlfriend, a console will not try to tell you what to do. For the record if you tell a girl what to do, you are 'possesive' and 'controlling' but when a girl tells you what to do, she is 'looking out for your best interests.' A girlfriend will always be around, nagging. She will stop working but you can't just try to fix her, because that's impossible and if you try to change her for a better model, you will be emotionally blackmailed to hell and back. Honestly, which do you prefer?

Attention and Affection: For a console, zilch. If it doesn't work, attend to it and if it works real well, smile at it. That's affection enough. No cuddles, no smooches, no sweet talk, no cigar. If you want to keep a chick around, then forget that you have a life since you must spend every hour looking out for her because sometimes, girlfriends can be real stupid and they might poke their eyes out if you don't constantly attend to them. Or something like that. And affection. Well, that really depends on their mood, so you have to be wary and always nervous when trying to hold their hand, because they might a)hold yours back or b) rip your arm off for your insensibility as she is upset and now touching her will anger her. By the way, you don't get hints about their mood. You just have to guess right. Or end up crippled.

Cost: 30,000 at one go for an X-Box 360 or maybe 8000 bucks for mod-chips and repairs and stuff. Max you get up to 50,000 but you have to pay it only once. Plus, you can also sell the console sometime in the future and get some of the cash back. Spending on girls are sunk costs. You never get it back and the expenditure never ends. Dates, gifts, fare etc etc. On average, a boy needs to spend around 5000-10,000 on a girl each month, depending on what type she is. Think about it. Consoles give pleasure and relieve stress. Girls make you happy, but tick you off a lot too and add to the stress.

Training: You don't need to train a console. It is already trained. You cannot ever train a girlfriend, because she always thinks you need training. For a woman, no man in this world is perfect. No man is the world can give advice or try to help without having some other motive. They can't be trained to change their minds. They can only try to change you to do stupid things like dealing with their mood swings ( popularly believed to lead to most domestic violence), pleasing their friends ( who are obviously as nauseating as the girls themselves) and other corny stuff.

Verdict: 5-0, to the consoles, what an expected rout. But hey consoles can't give you the affection or love you need. So what can you do? Choose a girlfriend? Brother please, get Sega's EMA (Eternal, Maiden, Actualization), a sexy female robot who sings, dances and will even kiss you. That's the best thing you can do. Eat your heart out girlfriends, X-box may triumph over girls but EMA's will make females obsolete. Or maybe not.

By Osama Rahman

Notice

Contests!!!
Think RS has lost it's funny bone? Think our jokes are so lame that they need wheelchairs? Here's what YOU can do to change all that. That's right. We're giving you a chance to show us what you think is funny. That's why we're announcing a Humor Contest

Categories:
BD Digest
You can't be living in Bangladesh without encountering at least one weirdly funny situation a week. Keep your peepers peeled for those rib-tickling moments, and let us know about it.
Word limit: 120 words

While I'm away….
IM messages, funny Facebook status updates, witty comebacks, etc

Best original funny story
Short fiction

Funny rhymes
This one's for the poetically inclined

Deadline:
25/06/09

Caption contest
(coming soon)

General rules:
* The content MUST be original. That means, you can't just cop stuff off the Net
* Explicit content and racial/sexist slurs will be immediately disqualified.
* No phone calls regarding the contest, even from parents will be fielded.
* Mail all your entries to ds.risingstars@gmail.com
* Watch this space for more details.