10 sure ways to get a ‘DHOLAI'this season

1. Target the 'Swine Flu' panic-stricken crowd armed with multi-layered masks, walk right up to their nose level and feign a massive AACHCHHHOoOo.

2. Pick any 'adha-mora' looking roja-daar and start whispering into his ear, “Jilapi, Halim, KFC Chicken, Biriyani, Pizza, Thai Soup mmm…”

3. Go to Bashundhara City (Cineplex'll do even better), pick the most crowded spot and start running around yelling, “Fire, Fire, Fire!!”

4. Be the classic Mokhles in traffic jams. Get out your 'gamchha-diya-bandha' guitar and start singing in a beshura gola, “Orange jam, Apple jam, Banana jam, traffic ja-a-a-m…”

5. Target the snuggling lovey-dovey couples in Ramna Park, grab a megaphone and start announcing, “Ladies and gentlemen, as a precaution against Swine Flu contamination please maintain at least one metre distance from one another. Ladies and gentlemen…”

6. Go to the local kacha-bazar full of furious inflation-stricken customers and start bragging aloud, “Eh, morich only 200 tk kg? That's C.H.E.A.P!! Money is like tejpata people, gimme all the morich in the market bwahaha…”

7. Take rectangular pieces of paper, douse them in lots of (really lots of) beshon, fry and try selling them off as 'kagoji' in place of 'beguni'.

8. Target your 'accent'-ically challenged Chemistry teacher, make a perfectly innocent face and ask, “So sir, the expression for entropy is an ass (S), right?”

9. Pick a random well-dressed guy peeing in public, kick him hard on the butt and yell gleefully, “Dosto, long time no see! Whatcha doing here?”

10. Try pacifying your idea-hungry senior colleague at RS with a packet of Ruchi Chanachur (Khailei Dil Khush!).

And so… Mair Mobarok everybody!

By Kokoro-chan

North-East-West-South (NEWS)

Swine flu:
Remember the comics always depicting thugs and muggers wearing masks? But nowadays people wearing masks aren't (always) called hoodlums and thieves. They are 'conscious' and 'cautious' about the rapid spread of the virus H1N1 or something. About 200 people have been confirmed as H1N1 positives and panic is spreading faster than the virus. Take precautions people, if you want to live and value your worthless lives, and read articles published almost everywhere about its symptoms and preventions. We are not bothering to rewrite them here.

Ramadan days:
The holy month of Ramadan is here and suddenly nearly all things are having a holy-holy glow. But truly unholy are those who take advantage of other people. Prices of essentials have risen significantly. As of this writing, reports of food adulteration haven't arrived, but the reason may be the drive against them. Also Eid-shopping has started and the shopping centers are now being shaken up by the footsteps, at 12 in the night.

Shakers & Movers:
Talking about shakes, none can deny the usage of some earthquakes. It spreads quite a fear among the people living in those illegal high-rise buildings in our country and gives much needed spot light to the specialists in this area. Fear is a great medicine to clear the bowels after all. Three earth quakes in a period of two days have kept the sewerage line as well as talk show hosts on major TV channels busy.

Paracetamol Scare:
Bangladesh's got it ALL; from getting mugged in broad daylight (yes, coaching centers do count) to politicians dying and what not. Latest addition to the List is this; adulterated medicine. In recent news, Rid, a pharmaceutical company, was fined by a mobile court for selling paracetamol that caused cases of renal failure, and consequently sad deaths of children all across the country. What next? Adulterated toothpaste- yeah, could do fine without it, thanks!

Suits and ties banned:
In an apparent act of sensibility (?) and deep-rooted care for the environment (once again…?), our dear Prime Minister has banned the wearing of suits and ties for male office employees. This also includes senior executives to wear their shirts untucked; all in an effort to minimize energy consumption by reducing usage of air conditioning in offices. While the government's reformation of the dress code may indeed seem laudable, we got a MUCH better idea for them; build more Power Stations and root out all corruption involved there! Give it a try, dudes; it might actually work, instead of having badly dressed, balding middle-aged men walking around.

Stabbed…by a syringe:
Boy, the Chinese sure know how to pull off their riots, no matter how weird the reason. In the otherwise restive province of Xinjiang, in western China, ethnic riots between Muslim Uyghurs and the Han Chinese shut down the capital, leaving almost 200 dead and 1, 700 injured, making this a series of the worst ethnic riots the province had seen in decades. All this for what you ask? Some Han Chinese dude supposedly stabbed a Uyghur in the town square with- yes, no prizes for guessing- a syringe. And yet they blame us for rioting here, for perfectly comprehensive reasons like beating up policemen.

By The Don Khan and Ero Senin

Holy Procrastination 101

Prerequisite: Basic laziness, easily distracted and a strong believer of the term 'Tomorrow'.

Procrastination takes place 365 days a year 24/7. However, it has been observed that during the month of Ramadan the student procrastinators take this pandemic to a whole new level. It becomes almost impossible to concentrate and get any work done.
The outline below will give you an overview

Chapter: Education can wait...till after Iftaar
Empty stomach: There is no food intake, your stomach is growling and you look pale. Poor you, you can't study like that. It's too depressing. God will definitely curse those evil school authorities for imposing such horrendous assignments upon you.

Chapter: Because God told me to…
God: You get this one-month to prove to God that you are a good person by helping the needy. For example: helping your younger sibling or a friend find the perfect Eid attire. There is absolutely no time to finish the History paper when so many people need your support at the holy month of Ramadan. Maybe the next day... your professor will understand.

Chapter: Digestion requires time and sleep
Full Stomach: It's finally Iftaar time and you are free to dig in on anything on the table. You realize you like everything fried, sour, sweet, solid and liquid…until you are full and up to the point where your meal might come back to remind you that rice pudding, coke and pineapples together were not the smartest choice. You are too sick and you decide to lie down for a while. All the food was tiring…and you think about the assignment, then you think about apples, the ultimate vaccination for swine flu, unicorns, rainbows and… you doze off.

Chapter: Neurons on hiatus
Confused brain: You have been saving all the calculus problems for Sehri but is it possible to solve all the math? No way. You wake up sometime around 4 in the morning; your brain and body are both confused. What are you having? Dinner or breakfast? No idea. It is unfair to put so much pressure on the poor brain.

Course Target: The holy procrastinating scholars will ace with an A grade and sooner the world will understand them the better . . . maybe next Ramadan... or the year after or after…

By Fariba Rakhsanda

Michael Jackson's death ruled a homicide

Its official, MJ was murdered!
The Los Angeles County Coroner's Office has officially ruled the King of Pop's June 25 death as a homicide brought on by a lethal cocktail of drugs, specifically "acute propofol intoxication" along with benzodiazepine effect as a contributing factor.

The police are looking at Jackson's doctor, Dr. Conrad Murray, for involuntary manslaughter charges. The morning the Moonwalker died, the doctor acknowledged that he had already given Jackson a combination of milder sedatives. When those failed to knock him out, Murray opted at 10:40 a.m. to give him 25 milligrams of propofol, which induced sleep right away. The cardiologist said he left Jackson in his bedroom alone and under the influence for two minutes while he tended to other business.

But authorities have noted big holes in Murray's story, pointing to three separate cell phone calls the good doctor made afterward from 11:18 a.m. to 12:05 p.m. that lasted 47 minutes. This was information Murray didn't tell investigators.

The Jackson family have thanked the LA authorities for conducting a thorough investigations and looks forward to the day that justice is served for Michaels untimely demise.

Another legend lost to drugs.
Source: e-news