All that glitters

Tiger Woods is donating three million dollars for medical care and supplies to those affected by the earthquake in Haiti. In a related story, Woods has not been seen publicly for over two months now, prompting many to theorize that he is currently enrolled in a rehab. According to radaronline.com, Woods is currently completing his rehabilitation in Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services, in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Hattiesburg is where University of Southern Mississippi is, with over five thousand hot white girls.

The Haiti earthquake has already triggered hundreds of thousands of donations to musician Wyclef Jean's charitable foundation, including a sizable donation from Tiger Woods. It could really enrich a lot of lives, although mostly Wyclef's. Internal Revenue Service records show the group has a lackluster history of accounting for its finances, and that the organization has paid the performer and his business partner $410,000 for rent, production services, and Jean's appearance at a benefit concert.

Fergie and the rest of the Black Eyed Peas filmed a video in LA recently, and one can recognize Fergie because she's the talentless one in the butt-less dress while the rest of the band is wrapped up head to toe. One would suppose she has to dress this way because in Hollywood girls are not as good as normal people.

Mark Wahlberg had his fourth child this month. Oh, sorry, no one really cared the first three times either.

Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi has financed and run terrorist attacks that have killed countless thousands over the years, including the 1972 attack on the Munich Olympics (11 Israeli athletes kidnapped and murdered), Pan Am flight 103 over Lockerbee Scotland (270 dead) and UTA flight 772 in Africa (170 dead). But Beyonce appears to be unable to say no to money, as she strutted around in a leotard and ushered in 2010 by singing and dancing for Gaddafi's son on a private party for two million dollars. According to Forbes, Beyonce made $122 million last year. It would have been 120 without that last show, so one can really see the huge difference that made.

The new James Bond movie is going to be in 3D. There you go. With all the Bond girls in 3D now, we are just that much closer to 3D porn, and the eventual end of human civilization. Speaking of 3D, the 3D effects in 'Avatar' are so intense that some people go home depressed and even suicidal, because they would rather be living in the world from the movie- on Pandora with the 10-foot cats. The movie's official forum is now hosting threads to help people cope with said depression.

By The Anarchist Kitten

The Woe of the Fish

Whenever a Japanese whaler pops over a whale, the people go all crazy. No one ever goes crazy (other than the five year old) when one of us floats to the top of the bowl. For the record, flashing blinking lights at us in bid for “positive behaviour reinforcement” is not cool, nor is giving us food when, irritated, we finally deign to respond and do whatever heathen task you've set upon us. Food is always good though, I do however object to that lever thing you've set up in my bowl, it merely proves to be a hindrance and a pointless labour when I get hungry. And while we're on the subject, what is this whole “behaviour modification” thing you've got going on here. I'm a fish; I live a solitary life in a bowl and every now and then stare back at your kids when they stare at me. What do I need of etiquette and conformity? Why must I navigate through a maze while you flash lights at me only to get a titbit of fish food? Is that not cruel? And I do not appreciate that kid of yours with his fishing rod and that dead worm. What's he trying to prove?

Anyway, all I ask is for a few things to be taken into consideration. For one, flushing us down the toilet is not cool. The dead whales get more respect and they're only good for blubber. Try flashing lights at them, see what they do.

And please, please stop pretending to think I only remember things for about a few seconds. I've kept my head together for the duration of writing this haven't I?

I see that little girl of yours joking around with her friends, telling them that I probably don't remember the other side of the bowl. I do, it's a blank wall. You could have put the bowl up against the window but I suppose that sort of courtesy is expecting too much.

I'm also going to take this opportunity to file a formal complaint against your pet cat. He yowls at me when you guys aren't looking and I swear sometimes he gives these looks that make my fins curl.

And there's this thing I've been meaning to tell you. When you fight with your wife and then come and tearfully talk to me, it's not cool. I am not a counsellor, I don't do marriage; I don't do teenage issues (please, please tell your daughter to stop coming to me with her boyfriend problems, what do I know of high school, I'm yellow gold fish in a bowl!) and I certainly don't consider myself qualified to deal with middle age crisis (keep your wifey away from me too).

Please, while PETA cries itself to sleep because that new president killed a fly, there are a surprisingly small number of people who cry at our predicament. Mostly because I suppose we are fish who thrive in bowls (and that woman at PETA is crazy, we do not like being called sea kittens… kinda demeaning don't you think, and the catfish have actually gone into a huff about it…)

Note: This is the writer's way of supporting a cause, because he can't bring himself to be bothered about the greenhouse effect or endangered frogs. But you'd be surprised how much goldfish are persecuted.

By Tareq Adnan

RS Mailbox

Word from the readers on our last week's issue:

Punna Islam: “It's great! Loved the part written by Jawad Mahmud...especially the last line where it says " He raises two fingers to his nose; pressing down on one nostril, and blows."....it's awesome!”

Kazi Azwad: “Please do an article about Bangla rock soon. I loved the pappu-gappu thingy (battleground from the front page) by Sabhanaz Rashid Diya”

Nibras Ahsan Khan: “Love the new layout, but like Kazi said, do a piece on alter rock soon”

Shamsil Elberith: “The best one was Ihsan Kabir's, 'Once we learn to appreciate the beauty of everything around us, noise becomes nothing more than music in disguise.”

Tell us what you thought of this week's issue! Visit our fan page on Facebook to comment!

Dear Readers,
If you've noticed that your regular columnists are missing from their usual sections, it's because this week, we put our team through the grinder in the Opposites challenge; each writer had to take on an area s/he had never written about before. Predictably, some of the efforts tanked so badly, they were unprintable, but we hope you appreciate the ones that made the cut. Do write to us and let us know what you thought!

Letters, complaints, articles, rejoinders, and money should be mailed to ds.risingstars@gmail.com We especially like the money.