Choosing beggars

Every time I go to the Daily Star office for the weekly RS meetings, I have to cross what I call the Holy Trinity. Keep in mind; these are only three of the spots reflecting three of the more popular methods of earning money without work. There are countless other ways to go about carrying out this employed unemployment, this method of procuring money with effort that is deemed effortless.

The Father:
I have come across this man in quite a few places but when I get out to leave and cross the 8 no. Road bridge in Dhanmondi, I see him almost every day sitting unnervingly upright on his hinds on the bridge sidewalk. That is his hotspot. He is a man made of sticks, each hand or leg a toothpick sticking out of the thinnest abdomen known to man. Keeping in tune with the rest of his image, he sports a thin moustache and his head is always covered in a cloth of some kind. He has another dirty cloth spread in front of him which carries the change.

And what do I do when I see this disease-stricken man sprawled across the pavement, his bony arms crying out for help?
I ignore him, of course. I have no need to feel better about myself.

The Son:
This is a young fella whom I encounter at the Kawran Bazar signal if I'm ever going there by CNG. Every time my CNG comes to a halt at one of these red lights, my heart skips a beat, dreading the much-feared arrival of this scatological being. He will come limping to your CNG and, at first; you won't notice what his oh-so-sophisticated method of monetary procurement is. At first, to you, he is just like any other beggar, another nasty little bugger asking you for money he doesn't deserve. If his disheveled appearance is convincing enough to you, you'll give him a buck or two to shoo him away. But you'll see that he doesn't move and you'll suddenly realize that he reeks of pee and dung. And then you notice the hand you just placed your money in, a hand that is covered with a thick, brown, frothing substance that you instantly realize is NOT chocolate mousse. He'll be like “Aro chai.” And you, fearing a doodoo fest, will hand over whatever you've got. Clever, no?

And as for this genius of a businessman, there's not much you can do. Thankfully, CNGs now have those grilled gates, so I don't have to worry. As for most of you who have cars, let's just say, enjoy your new chocolate-tinted windows.

The Holy Ghost:
This is the most preferable and seemingly noble method of unemployed business. You encounter these mostly in the buses; I come across them in front of Bashundhara City, at the red light, which turns green for ten seconds every few years. They come in and hand you these little chits of paper describing their countless illnesses and how religious they are and how financially deprived they are. They have a penchant for religious emosanal attyacahar, as is with most beggars, but their lack of a hygiene deprivation and raggedy clothes gives them the least advantage, and their profit isn't much compared to their investment. Ah, no good deed goes unpunished. At least, I think that cliché has relevance here.

Anyways, what I do is get out my iPod, plug in my headphones and pretend I never saw them and can't hear them. They have their little brochures flapping at my face and I act like it's just the breeze from the bus window. Hey, don't judge: it works.

Now, I may seem like a coldhearted, spoilt, sadistic rich kid from the suburbs who is immune to the sufferings of other more unfortunate people. But I assure you that that statement is false to highest degree, that if anyone told me that, I'd take it as the biggest insult. I'm not spoilt, or coldhearted, or sadistic. I'm not rich either. I know how grueling life for these people are, how much they suffer every day to get by. I'm anything if not understanding.
I'm just kipta.

By S. N. Rasul

When sidekicks are saviours

Okay, we couldn't find a catchier title for what is about to happen. “Heroic Sidekicks”, “Kickass Sidekicks” didn't make the cut. The only one that we really liked includes a British slang giving us the initials SS [one hint: it rhymes with nodding], but which, of course, can't be put on print, not least because of the resemblance to an infamous police corp.

Anyways, without further ado, let us introduce five of the all time best sitcom sidekicks without whom the shows would crash and burn. Actually, crash and burn sounds too glorious, the shows would crumple, but you get the idea.

5. Cuckoo Cox
Probably the most vocal misanthropist doctor to ever walk the Earth, Perry Cox has made Sacred Heart hospital what it is today: the place we do not want to go to for treatment. Compared sometimes to the great Dr House, Perry Cox's mastery of sarcasm and wit has put down everyone in sight, be it interns, patients, doctors, surgeons, janitors, nurses and let's not forget, superiors. Scrubs without him is a lame, attempted-comic, parody of Grey's Anatomy.

Trademark/quote to remember: Any other day I'd say no, but today I'm gonna go ahead and just say no.

4. Kramer
There need not be any attractive sub-title for Cosmo Kramer and that speaks volumes on his behalf. This Seinfeld character is like every other snowflake, i.e. unique, from head-to-toe, and we mean that literally. From his weird upright hairstyle to his eccentric dress sense to the uncountable and often uncomfortable quirks in his personality, Kramer has been forever branded as the wackiest sitcom neighbour ever.

Trademark/quote to remember: *Bursts through Jerry's apartment door*

3. The smartest man in the sitcom world
If ever there was a show that became more about one man than a group of friends, Big Bang Theory is it. Sheldon Cooper, Ph.D. seems to have succeeded in pushing the other characters and the romantic undercurrent of the show to the side and taken the centre spot. Well, what do you expect from a man with an IQ of 187? We give him the third spot only because we are afraid of the well versed, scientific and extremely succinct reaction and criticism he may dish out to us for putting him either on the first or last spot of this list.

Trademark/quote to remember: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think that if I were wrong, I'd know it?

2. Meatball subs, chicks and ducks
Need the definition of a friend? Try the description of Joey Tribbiani. It may even be considered redundant to write an introduction to possibly the most famous sitcom character ever. And heck, we probably couldn't do him justice even if we tried. But when has that ever stopped us? Joey is fun, practical, caring, loves food and is out of the loop in everything except women... He is all you could want in a lovable guy. The only reason Joey gets the second spot is because... well, you'll see soon enough in the next paragraph.

Trademark/quote to remember: How you doin'?

1. Mr. Legen... wait for it... dary!
If you can't guess who Mr Legendary is, you have been away from your TV for too long. How I Met Your Mother is the series to watch these days, and Barney Stinson makes it... there's no other word for it... awesome. Everything about him is awesome! In fact, one of his more famous quotes is [and this is when he was sick], “I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out.” For his incredibly awesome awesomeness, we will do him the honour that we haven't done any of the other characters on this list. We will mention the name of the actor that portrays him: Neil Patrick Harris, NPH for short. Of course, there is a not-so-slight twist of irony. While Barney is a womanizer, NPH bends the other way. They needed a gay man to portray an extremely heterosexual character. Go figure!

Trademark/quote to remember: Suit up!
Well, that was the top five of our list. These guys are the glue that holds these shows together. We have (in)conveniently forgotten to mention any girls on the list. But that's for another piece. Think you know who can make the cut [yes, we know Phoebe. Any others?]? Got your own list? Write back to us and let us know.

By Kazim Ibn Sadique

RS Mailbox

Word from the readers on our last week's issue:

Shoaib Mohammad Siddiqui: Fakir was awesome as usual
Mokhless Babu Jr: What happened to BABU? I will sue you people if you don't have BABU next issue ! And btw the comic was great! Don't know about the rest of the issue 'cause I hadn't read it.

Zarifa Shahrin: I think it was awesome! But that nothing new, RS is always awesome!
Nibras Ahsan Khan: Awesome game review! Heck, better than the one at Gamespot.

Shamsil Elbereth: Hey! Its seems RS members have got multiple talents! Loved all of it, especially Fakir's, Emil's, Shehtaz Huq's and Sabrina F. Ahmad's. But I missed S. N. Rasul's regular feature so much. And Babu too.
Asif Adnan: Not good, not bad…an average one.

Zarah Mehrin: Damn! I totally loved this weeks issue! AWESOME! Shehtaz huq was amazing and Adnan Fakir was hilarious.
Wasif A Choudhury: This week's cartoon was ridiculous. Not really your area of expertise, Emil (no offence, mate). And I really liked Shabhanaz Rashid Diya's piece. English literature at its highest quality.

Anika Anjum: Hey I liked Twicide! And Outside The Box. Cover story was good but, personally, not something I'd be interested in. Saw the DragonAge feature coming; An unsung rendezvous was good too - that's all I remember now.

Hey, RS!
Although I'm a regular Twitter user, I still liked the twitiCIDE sketch by Emil. I also like the New RS logo. I'm just relieved that no animated characte is popping out from the logo. I understand that chopping Twilight Saga has become a new 'Trend', but creating an extra paragraph just to maintain the trend is a little annoying.. ('The OCD obsessed maniacs'-The Main Story of the last issue by Adnan M.S. Fakir). Anyway, enjoyed the review of The Anarchist Kitten. - ath339

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