The week in re(ar)view

Back with a vengeance
Re(ar)view is back bringing you local headlines in easy to digest non-panicky form. Tales of vengeance dominate this week's headlines. Recently, Shibir activists attacked BCL activists who retaliated followed by counter retaliations. This feud started since the big bang when a Shibir protozoa stabbed an amoeba from BCL? Or was it the other way round? Who killed whom first? More importantly, which came first, the chicken or the egg? Mmm, tasty fried chicken.

Slow in the fast lane
All cars and no roads make Jack an angry road user. So goes the old proverb refreshed. There have been talks of implementing speed regulating devices in all 12 lakh cars so that pedestrians don't die when they jump in front of vehicles.

According to a prehistoric Motor Vehicle Ordinance 1983, the maximum speed for light vehicles like cars is 113 kilometres per hour (kmph), for buses and minibuses it is 56 kmph and for truck it is 40 kmph. Of course, a truck at 5kmph is enough for a quick free trip to the afterlife.

The HC move was prompted by the recent killing of kindergarten student Hamim Sheikh by reckless driving of a bus driver in the capital. The question is whether to slow down vehicles or to make sure drivers actually know how to drive.

Taxed by taxis
And to choke our roads further, Nitol is hoping to tie-up with India's Meru to bring 10,000 "high-tech" cabs in phases in Dhaka. By high-tech, they will have GPS positioning and sadly not a bubble massage Jacuzzi. Presently, only 500 cabs are plying the city roads.

Legal politics
Last week about 659 more "politically motivated" legal cases were withdrawn including five in connection with corruption, filed during consecutive regimes of the BNP-Jamaat-led alliance and immediate past caretaker governments.

We are not at pointing anything in particular but none of the "politically motivated" cases recommended for withdrawal yesterday was against any BNP or Jamaat leader.

National Park of Industries
The Awami League-led government is issuing environmental clearance certificates for industries on "private land" inside the Bhawal National Park in Gazipur. Funny considering back in 1999, they were the ones who imposed a ban on building in a national park. This move will legalise around 300 illegal industries already there. The committee decided that the industries on "private land would get clearance certificates if they don't pollute environment". The next step will be for the police to let criminals avoid jail if they promise to be good and gentle criminals.

Fact for thought: As the trend continues, the genuine forest coverage of the country has already been reduced to 6 percent against the official claim of 16 percent.

Power to the people
No really, there is actually some hope in all this gloomy news. The Prime Minister opened a newly built 120-megawatt power plant at Siddhirganj. There is another unit in development. This may ease growing discord in the homes where people cannot watch their hindi soap serials due to power outage.

Evolution's next step
Buriganga was historically a symbol of affluence. Now it is becoming one of effluence. Amazing what difference just one alphabet can make. A Tk 6 crore project of Bangladesh Inland Water Transport Authority (BIWTA) to clean the riverbed is under way. At the very same time, hundreds of tonnes of rubbish is being dumped into the Buriganga every day.

The Dhaka City Corporation (DCC)-sponsored door-to-door rubbish collectors collect the household rubbish and dump it all in Buriganga cause they have no proper recycling centre to go to. It is your rubbish going into the river. Don't be alarmed when mutated fish come up to take over your land.

By Mood Dude and Someone

Lovin' with Dr. Lovelove

The Love Doctor that makes Cupid cry for his mommy...
...to get his diaper changed.

Due to the IMMENSE (note the upper case) lack of proper English skills of the people who ask for my help, I had to ask for the services of one of RS' less-than-mediocre writers to convert them into proper, legible English, English that wouldn't give me a brain haemorrhage every time I tried to discern what you people were trying to say. As a result, I am made to (though I don't why, it should be an honour just to be working for me) give 'special' thanks to HU, for his/her services.

Dr. Lovelove,
To be honest, I'm not sure if this is a real counsellor or not. No offence intended! Still, I embark upon my awkward tale. I am 14 years old and my best friend; Null (She's not really pretty but extremely friendly) compromised her sanity by getting involved with a boy. At any rate she is presently in love (because love happens overnight, especially teenage love, and love so deep and true it cannot be measured by your cynical standards) with this boy who has confessed his feelings of deep and true love to me and I, as the loyal friend, cannot possibly forge ahead and make friendship with said boy (who has an irresistible sense of humour and won't take no for an answer) because what would my friend think, right?

I just needed you to agree with me, is all.
Love,
Mee.
Mee,

Why do I help you people? Really? The week before last, there was this idiot who forgot to acknowledge my PhD and now, this: doubt. Where do I find it in my heart to be so modestly selfless and help you, you who are so ungrateful and discourteous towards me? I give and I give and I give and what do I get in return? Suspicion. You have depressed me, Mee. I'm having second thoughts about helping you.

Anywho, from your tone, I figure you to be an extremely shallow and self-serving little girl, and hence, I assume, as with all giggling teenage girls, you have a demon where your soul should be. Which is why what I am about to suggest should be easy for you to do. You say she's 'not really pretty.' In other words, mirrors break when she comes in front of them. My first question to you is this. Why do you have an ugly best friend? You should know better than that. It is detrimental to your love life. Do you think guys come over and ask the girl with the ugly best friend out? Secondly, if she's ugly, she doesn't deserve a love life anyways. Let her live her life out 'til her parents arrange for her to be married to an equally ugly guy. Love is perfect life like that. So you should move right on ahead and say 'yes' straight away. Who're we kidding? You don't deserve him either. So grab your chance while you still have looks to rely on.

Dear Dr. Lovelove,
I'm a boy who reads in Class 10. I love a girl. She's very beautiful and attractive. Me is not so bad after all. I fell in love with her at first sight. I talked with her later and I got to know her well. She knows only a little bit about me. But my problem is, every time I try and talk to her, I get nervous. I can't get any topics for conversation. She reads in a different school so I don't get to see her face to face. I love her, but she doesn't love me back. Some of my friends suggested that I need to make her laugh. Please give me some instructions to set a love with her. There are many boys who love girls just for a day and leave. But I'm not like that. I love her very much. I'll do anything for her. I think you understand how mad I am for her love. Please give me instructions, tips.
C47.

(For the readers' amusement: I didn't let HU edit out some of C47's mistakes. If you can guess the mistakes, I would still hold an extremely low opinion of you.)

Dear C47,
What the hell is C47 anyways? Moving on. This is my first piece of advice to you: learn to write and speak some understandable English. No wonder she doesn't love you. Even I started hating you after reading your mail. Before you do anything, get enrolled into as many intensive English courses as you can; spare no expenses. And your mail also suggests that you have a repulsive personality. If you read my previous article, you would know that to outshine your countless, inexcusable flaws, you need money. So that's exactly what I'm going to suggest. I hope you have a rich father you can exploit because you'll need a lot of money to show off to her. Try and find out when she gets off school and show up right then in front of the gates with your car, play loud chauvinistic rap and wear a bandana to complete the wannabe hip-hop artist look. If there's one thing girls are a sucker for, it's people who aren't really themselves.

As for topics, I would advise you to talk only about her problems, especially her friends, so that she has a safe companion with whom she can share all her backstabbing secrets.

Dr. Lovelove,
I have really fallen for my doctor, so this should be right up your alley. She is extremely attractive and as am I, if I do care to admit. There are no other problems except that I need her to warm up to me before I can ask her out. We don't have any common friends, so I don't see her often enough. How do I run into her? Can you please help?
Doctorfordoctor.

Doctorfordoctor,
Stop eating apples.
Problems and inquiries: dr.lovelove@live.com
By Dr. Lovelove

Disclaimer: This is a humour column, so please heed the doctor's advice at your own risk. Rising Stars may enjoy being cool by association to him but we don't endorse his views.

RS Mailbox

Word from the readers on our last week's issue:
Farheen Showkat: 'Chicken soup for the Valentine-less soul' was indisputably one of the coolest columns among this year's issues. Ms. Musarrat Rahman writes like a dream! *sigh*on the contrary I'm also in 'lovelove' with the wacky SENSE OF HUMOUR of this Dr. Lovelove. @Dr Lovelove:hope you manage to cram some sweeter (or not so girls-born-dumb) remarks on girls inside your column frame in your further issues.

Atiktheboss: Ero Senin , your article was too fun!
Shahriar Kabir: Thanks for one of the most radical issues of RS in the history of mankind! Hats off to Ero for reminding us once again just why The Tom and Jerry Show is the greatest cartoon show of all time. And although N.M. and C.K. tried their best to prove that video games are blessings sent down from the Heavens, their pen-names really give us the idea of exactly how beneficial(!) these games are to physical and mental health. And about 43% gamers being females, well now we know why they are losing the top positions of DMC and BUET to boys. But make no bones about it, it was an excellent read. Cheers!

Nehla Nafsin: This week's issue rocked. Loved 'Chicken Soup for the Valentine-less Soul' and 'Bhalentine Ispecial'. Same goes for 'Madame de Douceur, Mon Amour'. And Dr. Lovelove is..well...Dr. Lovelove...do they have any idea how popular they are?

Mashiath Khurshid: even though I'm quite a fan of the Jonas brothers I still liked Ero Senin's article.... It was hilarious! Especially the way he changed the lyrics...but what was the last song anyway? And I have a weird question but do you guys hate Zac Efron?

Letters, complaints, articles, and rejoinders should be mailed to ds.risingstars@gmail.com