Lovin' With Dr. Lovelove

The Love Doctor that makes Cupid cry for his mommy…to get his diaper changed.

It's been a while since the Doctor has gone on one of His rants, rants which change the world. For once, He is almost apologetic. ALMOST. But for the Doctor, even that is going too far. The Doctor is never apologetic. Last week's column was excellent, a huge decline from his usual masterpieces. But He is not to blame. He never is. There was censorship involved, the Doctor's right to freedom of speech banished, resulting in a near mediocre output. I won't point fingers, but RS is to blame. But it is not their fault. Mediocrity is more in tune with the rest of the magazine. They would not want to overreach.
Dark times, these.

dear lovelove,
well doc i am such a paitent that your not used to treating.... you see um an odinary 13 year old girl who used to sit in front of the computer wasting her three or four hrs on social networking website looking for sum 1 new to chat wid or may hv a relation.... but i never knew!!! that i'll be in a relationship (wid a guy... WHO's 10 YEARS OLDER THAN ME!!!) i accepted his proposal cuz I was inspired by my grandma n paa's lovestory n my "paa" is also 10 years older tham my

"ma".... so you see....
Its the year 2010! Most of the boys of this generation use girls to pass times. But i think hes not lyk this... He's love is true.... but still um afraid,,,does he really love me??? or he's just using me????
Baffled.
(I urge my readers to whole-heartedly laugh at this confused, broken little girl.)

Dear Baffled,
I was really down, but this cute, little moronic message of yours has lifted my spirits a bit and reaffirmed my belief in the endless stupidity of human kind. I assure you, your lack of any semblance of a hold of English grammatical structure, repeated spelling mistakes and idiotic outlook as a whole has quite amused me. That should be satisfying enough for you to cheer you right up and forget your problems. Your missing the title of 'Doctor' is quite appalling, though, and you should write me an e-mail, no, snail mail, apologising for it immediately as punishment. I'm sure you know how to find the address of the Daily Star; asking random people on the street where the 'Great One' helps obliterate mediocrity should suffice. The Doctor is omnipresent in the minds of the people like that.

Moving on to your problem: it seems that you have no idea what your problem is. Is it the fact that you have a pathetic online social life? Or that your boyfriend is ten years older than you? Or the fact that you're not sure whether he's using you or not? From what I can discern from the message, I wouldn't be surprised if it was all three. Women have yet to (they never will, that's just Me being politically correct) grasp hold of the all-eluding phenomenon called 'logic.' Let me break it down for you. You have a no social life (The reason is immaterial, if it's not the lack of any hint of class, it's probably because you repulse people). You now have a boyfriend who's ten years older (Ah, naïve moron. You amuse me so. I'm pretty sure the guy is not better than you, because the only way a guy would sink that low, in more ways than one, is if he has completely struck out with girls his own size. And of his own intelligence level. Hence, he has come to prey on your feeble little, starved-for-human-contact mind.) And yes, this is this year 2010 (I'm surprised you can count that high.) I remember the good ole days when you could just SAY you wanted to use women. Women have always been sent here to serve men's agendas, and the 21st century is no different. We just have to be more indirect with our approach, and say things like, “Of course, you're beautiful!” and “Your mother is SO nice, I don't want to kill her at all!” and “I love you.” What I'm suggesting is this, this is the best you'll ever get. You hold on to him tight, and don't let him go. You are probably overreaching as it is.
Problems, enquiries and endorsements: dr.lovelove@live.com

By Dr. Lovelove

The Retard's Guide to TA-giri

Looking for a job that utilises your experience in procrastination? Are you interested in working for someone who has no idea what they are doing? Did RS just reject your job application? Is your middle name “TA”?

If the answer to all the above questions is “Yes! I knew they never wanted me! Affirmative! TA I am!”; then buddy do we have you a perfect career option for you. You are eligible for a job in the noble profession of a Teaching Assistant. But eligibility isn't enough. You are a retard, and you know that. This is exactly why you would need these pointers, from a “veteran” in this particularly dangerous line of work:

The Red Pen is God. Every TA worth his/her/its salt knows that. Never, EVER underestimate the power of the Red Pen Almighty. It is THE tool of the trade. Without it, you are as powerless as those pathetic excuses that you call students are. Words written by the Red Pen are Law. It is your duty to respect It (yes, capitalised pronoun) by keeping it in a separate case, because it deserves preferential treatment from all the other pens, no matter which shade of God's world's colours do they come in.

Hate thy Students. Students are not humans. Period. They are not even scum stuck on the soles of your shoes. Face it, you hate them and they don't exactly love you either. That is why they torture you with handwriting that would make you wish you could have missed out on that last pie. If you check, English papers, then well, good luck, get a Life Insurance with your first paycheck.

Cook up something real nice with the Teacher. This is a job, so don't mind sucking up. There is just no other way to move up the ladder (to, well, more work). Submit checked papers hours before the deadline. You have to show how dedicated you are to this job. Begin conversations with lines like this, “The other day while I was checking papers, I had this brilliant idea which could really help in improving the students' performance.”, and before you get to this “idea”, “Oh Sir! Your tea's getting cold! You want me to get you a fresh one?” Hook, line and sinker.

NEVER GRADE STUDENTS ABOVE SIXTY PERCENT, NO MATTER HOW BRILLIANT THEY ARE. The bold, capitalised words emphasise on the importance of this rule. No matter how smart (heh, as if) or dumb the students are, mark the students with a certain degree of equality and a whole degree of sheer evil fun. As soon as you receive papers for grading, sort them into two piles; 80% of the pile goes to the “Bull Excreta” tray and the remaining 20% is filed under “Clinically Insane”. This possibly is the only silver lining to the dark cloud of TA-giri.

Do not miss out of Mock Exams' Month. These are extremely important months of the year. At no cost can you miss out of this month. Not only will you be burdened with more papers to be checked and mocks to invigilate, but you also have to implement all previous pointers effectively into these months if you wish to get a premium on that little, almost negligible paycheck of yours.

With all that extra knowledge, dear retard, this writer wishes you all the best of luck in your new career. Do remember to send in a fraction of your first salary to this writer as a means of expressing gratitude, you ungrateful little twerp. Now stop reading this.

By Wahid Tuntuni “TA” Khan

RS Mailbox

Your one-stop junction for love, hate, suggestions and counters for the Rising Stars.

Word on our last issue:
Redwan Hossain: To be honest, today's issue didn't appeal to me much. It lacked humour, and had something missing from Dr. Loveloves' article. But all's not gloomy. I liked the cover article by Sabhanaz Rashid Diya and Hussain M Elius. Tareq's O level Overtures was quite good; I think that's the only thing, out of the whole issue, that brought out the laughter in me.

Rojin Ammar: Really great issue. For me, RS is back ! Tareq's one was awesome! Drawbacks : Never allow Musarrat missy to do another writing on sports....NEVER ! ManU lost....some of us like yours truly couldn't go to their classes the following day... it's not funny and obviously not sexy (she sounds really desperate ) .Really want more new rock/metal bands to listen to and want more album reviews.

Tasmia Tasin: I really love "Digital Darkness", "The list, the list" and the book review but please put more Anime reviews and DIY.

Sameen Raina Rahman: Loved Musarrat's article!

Sabarni Sarker: @ O Level Overtures by Tareq Adnan: The letter to alien civilization was no doubt enjoyable and interesting and although informal, I assume traditional grammatical conservative teachers of Ordinary Level (I mean that) might have given 4 out of ten (!), i.e., the pass marks!

Rayaan Ibtesham Choudhury: I think Musarrat giving us a girl's view on footy was neat. Especially the part about the tight and small shorts!

Anika Zaman: Kudos to that person who wrote about the load shedding that's going on in our country. Loved the dr. Lovelove section(I totally agree with Mr. Redwan, It lacked humour).Rising Stars should have more interviews with the upcoming metal/rock/alternate rock bands and it should contain album reviews. I also want interviews of the bands like Warfaze, Black, Artcell, Cryptic Fate, Shironamhin, Durbin, etc.

Samiha Rahman: Hey RS! This week's issue was okay, the cover article was really good though. Emil's article really helpful too. Musarrat's one was somewhere between good and bad. I thought she sounded a bit boy-crazy and desperate (no offence). Besides, it's not a big deal if girls like watching football, cause I know loads of girls who do, including myself. Other than that, it was alright.

From the RS Desk,
Recruitment for the RS Team 2010 will end April 30, so if you want to try out, hurry up! Confused? Email us your queries. Phone calls will not be accepted.
Rising Stars wishes its readers a heartfelt Shubho Noboborsho!

Send us your feedback and thoughts on RS at ds.risingstars@gmail.com. Also, you can visit our Facebook fan-page to keep up with all the weirdness that goes on behind the scenes.