Lovelove Mubarak!

The absence of people is always a good thing and that is why Eid is so delicious a time to be here. The streets are empty, the roads are clean(er), the people are (more) bearable, and love (not hate) is in the air. But what I write now is not for the people, this one is for the superior. That's right, I'm talking to you: the men. We all know your girlfriends are inching for that whole day of so much 'love' that you've been pretending to be oh so excited about, but what you really need, and I know that's what you really want, is to chill with your friends who are lucky enough to be single and not ruled by lesser beings as you are.

For someone who has had a plethora of experiences (alas, Larissa still remains unconquered), and also who has done an extensive course on "How to Manipulate the Female" from LUP, this experience is all too common. You're sitting in some lounge, talking about how beautiful (not) she is, forcing yourself to look deep into those charcoal black eyes, when all you can see reflected is your friends having the time of their lives in KFC, making dirty jokes, and eating with their hands while you're not there.

So this is a tutorial on how to turn that 'NUF' left side right, that frown upside down, that appendage inside out. One must suffer through countless occurrences of such a nature to hit upon such a revelation and come with methods so pure, and so infallible in character.

The beauty of 'love' is that it involves trust. Not just trust, complete trust. In most cases, at least. And the beauty of trust is you have all the power. And the beauty of power? You can lie through your teeth, through the pores in your skin, you can pretend to be whoever you want to be, and do whatever you want to do. Basically, you have full control of everything and, using the not-so-creative brain that someone somewhere has cursed you with, make up a believable excuse that the 'female' will buy. Make sure you cover that lie with all the friends (and people) you'll be meeting that day because you don't want to be caught out lying. That unerring trust is so valuable.

But there are those spoilt men, who want to have their cake and have it baked by their women too. We all know how important that 'private' time is. *Winkwink*. This is a move I learned during the Gulf War. No, I wasn't in the war; I'm strictly against it (Lennon University of PEACE, after all). I just meant it coincided with the Gulf War. It's called the Make and Break. Step 1: Arrange to meet her as early as possible on the day (preferably even before the Eid namaz). Step 2: Call someone you can trust with a secret to call you around an hour after into your date with some kind of emergency, preferably NOT an accident; that thing has been done to death (make sure it's someone she knows and trusts, like a mutual friend). And the rest, as they say, is not a whole lotta boring chitchat about how the tailor messed up her seventeenth Eid dress or that frenemy who's always one-upping her in some good old-fashioned backstabbing. Just two steps, and you're home free.

It is important to cover your bases before you indulge yourself in these methods of deceit. Make sure the people you work with are people you can rely on to lie like you're willing to. And everything else will fall into place. The key lies in grace: practice lying to your friends and family before Eid. It doesn't take long to become a pro. 'Til then, happy hunting.
And Lovelove Mubarak!

By Dr. Lovelove

How Not To Get Mugged During Eid

Eid, the biggest holiday in the Muslim calendar. This is the time when rich parents with equally rich relatives, spoil their little ones with excessive amounts of cash or "salami" as it is famously called. Now with such huge chunks of cash the half witted, over weight teens of Dhaka take to the streets for a wild night of partying (by partying I mean spending all their money in a fancy hotel and acting drunk). Anyway, more often than not these dweebs usually get mugged during Eid. So here are a few tips on how to avoid getting mugged.

The Cellphone Trick - This is perhaps the oldest trick in the book, but the most effective one for muggers. Some poor guy will ask you if he can make an "emergency" phone call with your phone. And you being the show off that you are will pull out your iPhone from your pocket and proudly give it to the guy. He pretends to make a call and calmly walks away. When you ask for your phone back, he threatens to kill you with his kitchen knife and you back out in fear. Remember kids; never let a stranger use your phone. Even if he/ she is dying, DO NOT let them use your phone. Just say no or run to a crowded area if someone wants to use it very badly.

The Rickshaw Trick - This trick is pretty new but it is happening a lot these days. When you are travelling alone in a rickshaw you will see that another rickshaw (with two or more men on it) is travelling parallel to you for a very long time. Eventually, one of the dudes in the rickshaw will pretend to know you and try and start a conversation with you. He will stop your rickshaw and before you know it, you just got mugged. In such cases, immediately tell your rickshaw puller to stop or just jump out and run if you sense something fishy. Locate a crowded area and take shelter there.

The CNG Trick - It is extremely dangerous to take a CNG at night. This is because CNG drivers are usually bribed by muggers, so that they supply them with their targets (yes I am talking about you). The CNG driver will pretend that there is something wrong with his CNG and he has to stop. While you wait, a group of people will come out of nowhere and take everything you got. In situations like these get out of your CNG, whenever it stops due to some reason. If needed pay the man more than you intended to do, but just get out of there.

Remember when walking in the streets always look confident. Muggers usually look for targets wandering aimlessly or people who are lost. And if you are stupid enough to get lost, never take help from a stranger. You can ask a policeman or go to a nearby shop or mall for help. Try and carry a "mugger's wallet". These are simple wallets with fake Ids, credit cards and a few notes of real money. If attacked by a mugger just hand over your "mugger's wallet" and he will be fooled most of the times. Because these people are always in a hurry. Lastly, I just want to tell you that if you find yourself in this situation the wisest thing to do would be to hand over your stuff, which is almost guaranteed to save you from any harm. Remember your life comes first, no matter how worthless or insignificant it might be.

By Alvi Ahmed

The week in Re(ar)view

Anthrax is the new bird flu
This scary disease has already spread in six districts. Officials assigned to tackle the situation are not happy because their holidays have been cancelled. Vaccines are en route to affected areas. The outbreak began in Sirajganj on August 20 and the movie loosely based on facts will come out soon. Once again, Anthrax is a bacterial disease primarily attacking cattle that suffer from severe fever and die within two to three hours. Vaccines are available. Infected people (by contact) show gross lesions on hands, forearms, head and neck. Things get more gross from there on unless treated.
Meat prices have not dropped.

Defense against the zombies
Everybody talks of a zombie apocalypse where the undead will take over. Well, everybody should because at the rate at which we are eating adulterated food, it's inevitable. But what about those of us who remain uninfected? How do we protect ourselves from attacking hordes of rotting flesh? Simple, we get rid of our guard dogs, and sleeping human security guards and appoint vultures. They're very good at eating dead stuff. Problem is, vultures in Bangladesh are becoming extinct. Their population dropped by 95 percent in Bangladesh in the last two decades. They die because they feed on cattle treated with anti-inflammatory drugs. It causes fatal kidney failure in vultures.

We smell a conspiracy for killing off our best protection against zombies. Bet some type of underground undead group is behind this. But why do we really need vultures? To eat the junk off our streets we are too lazy to properly dispose off.

Biman making money
Biman Bangladesh Airlines may be a money losing organisation but it is surely a money-making one. Contradictory but true. Employees of Biman Bangladesh Airlines Ltd misappropriated (a.k.a. partied with) about Tk 3.24 crore. This was done through forged signatures of over 300 officials and 1,013 fake vouchers in five years for overseas transport allowances and dearness allowances.

Fake vouchers bearing their forged signatures were submitted to draw their "official" expenditures abroad beyond their knowledge. The Anti-Corruption Commission (ACC) filed five separate cases against ten former and incumbent Biman officials. It's a good time not be employed there.

Savvy pirates
Pirates are no longer uncouth, savage, barbaric tribes that roam the seas. They are now uncouth, savage, barbaric commerce savvy tribes that roam the seas. Pirates are now forcing trawler owners to buy 'token' or 'card' for TK 10,000 for each trawler as condition for 'safe fishing'. Fine print includes possibility of sudden reversal of agreement based on pirate greed. A fisherman showed a card to a Daily Star reporter that included nice pictures of a buffalo and a rose.

Recently, pirates looted nets, hilsa, fuel and cash worth about Tk two crore and abducted 50 fishermen. Wonder if they are also offering 'Get out of kidnapped situation for free' card. Watch out
for a 'Bangladesh Bay of Bengal' edition Monopoly board game.

By Mood Dude and Someone