Lovin' With Dr. Lovelove
The Love Doctor that makes Cupid cry for his mommy…to get his diaper changed.

I understand Simon Cowell better now but you, the youth of Bangladesh, need a massive overhaul of sensibilities.

hi there im the confused guy this time !! i mean so so so and so much confused guy :S

well, heres my story...

i was a fresher and waiting for a true love untill i found miss perfect :| i had so many good female friends but no gf. and i used to hang out, take picz n chat with them...

after the day we came into a commitment, i was just sooooo in her.. she is my batch mate. everything was going good like the romeo Juliet but suddenly a bolt from the blue appeared !!! i came to know that she is 2year senior than me !! but still i love her and as this is not a big deal for me, i agreed to keep our relation n give it a shape. but after the age related announcement that was announced by her, she changed a loooot !! i guess she knew this before but intentionally didnt said me before our relation (although she says that she didnt use to know it at all as her passport says that she is younger thn me)..

she said she is facing ego problem and cant just help it.. ok, wen we came into an agreement that we would marry just after the graduation, she looked cool. and from the next day, she started to avoid me.. she said that i had lotz of gf and i didnt confess it to her (although she saw those picz before abt a year and she used to trust me that im a fresher all the time) and that indicates i am the dishonest lover and so, she wants a break up after 2 years !!!

now she avoids me in the class, i cant even call her coz my no is blocked ! she said to her frnds that we r broken up coz i am the dishonest lover and at the end of the day, she told me not to send her any msg or else she would go extreme...my life n lifestye has just smashed and i cant concentrate on study, dont feel the hunger and so depressed that my friends r tensed abt me...

im just confused and dont know what to do..im trying to make her understand and trying and trying and fade up bt still i love her n want her in my life... i just cant loose her :S

would u pls help me out suggesting this poor me what to do in this situation??? :S should i really break this up?? well, how to perform a break up?? iv never been through this n soooooooo sad :(

mr.pissed off

Dear Readers,
I must delay giving advice for at least another week (though I'm not hopeful). I apologise for the inconvenience but I must say, you have brought this upon yourself. Instead, I feel it to be my moral obligation to, from now on, give English lessons. I have chosen to ignore the fact that the letter printed above is from an actual person (Poll: should the above person be considered real despite his tremendous faults in personality?). In place of my usual, repetitive banter about how obvious it is, the way you can fix your enormously miniscule (oxymorons ftw!) existence, I have decided ask YOU to do something for me. Observe the letter above and find the errors (I wouldn't mind it if you gave his personality a boost as well). I don't mean to be cruel (maybe I do, a bit, it is rather fun. I understand Simon Cowell better now) but you, the youth of Bangladesh, need a massive overhaul of sensibilities. The person who'll send me the letter closest moulded to perfection will get his/her name mentioned in My column. Doesn't get better than that, does it? Not to mention, it's good practice for you all. If it's a good-looking enough girl, she might even get a date out of this.

Mr. Pissed Off: Let it go. If the letters sent in are any good, I might even publish it here. You can take the advice of My invaluable readers.

Au revoir.
Problems, inquiries, endoresements, KMAs: dr.lovelove@live.com

By Dr. Lovelove

Western witches beat our daini buri?? Dream on!

So Hansel and Gretel saw this house made of chocolate smack in the middle of the forest and went giddy with joy. Little did they know that the house actually belonged to an evil witch who wanted to eat them up for dinner! But the brats were too smart for the old hag and escaped with flying colours while the witch was left trapped in the oven.

Later that day, the two kids, triumphant and overjoyed, suddenly came across a Bangladeshi Daini Buri while roaming in the forest. She scared the hell out of them, with her dirty hay-like hair, glowering red eyes and the huge mole on her nose. Before the children could even open their mouths to speak, she smacked them on the heads with her magic broom (which was also used to sweep the floors with sometimes), knocked them unconscious, chanted a complex magic spell (Irkim Birkim Naga Khirkim…something…) and turned them into little 'tia pakhis'. Then she gulped them down with water in a single swallow and let out a thunderous burp.

The End.

That goes to show just how awesome our Daini Buris are, doesn't it? They're mean, they're ugly, they smell weird and they're smart enough to not go and waste a whole house of candies on stupid greedy children. And they know countless super-cool, super tongue-twisting spells that can turn anything into… well, anything! They don't need to concoct gooey-looking potions to do magic; their spells make everything happen for them. In fact, according to Humayun Ahmed, the 'Kaani Daini' knew so many spells that it actually drove her nuts in old age (mixing up cleaning spells with cooking spells and forgetting key lines etc.).

Needless to mention, there was never any magic wands to aid our witches that would accidentally snap in two sometimes and cause technical problems (Popeye, anyone?). That means, our Daini Buris had to memorise all those spells properly and use them whenever things went wrong. Told you our witches were smart!

Then there was the 'Ukune Buri', who, as you can guess, had hordes of rancid, vicious-looking 'ukuns' the size of hamsters running along her scalp. Once she unleashed her army of 'ukuns' on bratty kids and their parents, there was no stopping the reign of, erm, 'scuttling' evil.

Historically speaking though, our witches had more of a thing for pretty fairy-tale princes than for the naughty children. Children were merely food, for 'grabbing and gulping 'em down'. 'Raajkumars', on the other hand, kept our ugly witches busy and sighing on lonely nights. Understandably, they hated princesses and made a hobby out of turning the poor things into mumbling parrots. Sometimes, the princes also joined them on the same trees. Unrequited love hurts, ouch! So there you have it, western witches with their childish hocus-pocus and nice little chocolate houses simply don't stand a chance against our smelly, ukun-yielding, spell-casting badass Daini Buris. That and because we are crazy patriotic Bangalis and also because our sub-editor desperately wants Hansel and Gretel to get gobbled down at the end of the story.

Sorry kids!

By Raisa M Rafique
Illustration: Sarwat Yunus

Paint 'Em Red and Blue

A boy turns into a man when he starts taking more responsibility or when he starts to shave. Similarly, girls transform into women when they start wearing make up. And the undisputed queen of all forms of make up is the lipstick. Women are obsessed with this stuff. Don't believe me? Go check a woman's purse right now and you will definitely find at least one bottle/can/tube, I don't know what it is called, of lipstick along with those small mirrors. Because women are so insecure, they feel the need to check themselves every five minutes. Anyway, the whole purpose of the lipstick is to add colour and texture to a woman's lips and make them "kiss ready". I mean what's the big deal, why do women feel the need to paint their lips in weird colours? Is it for the same reason clowns paint their noses?

So I sat under my air conditioner and meditated for hours. Well actually I just played Halo until I got dizzy and then I knew what to do. I went into my sister's room and her desk was filled with lipsticks of all colours, sizes and shapes. I picked one randomly, but I put it down because the colour was depressing. I scanned through the desk again looking for the perfect one. Finally I decided to use wine red with a blue undertone because that would highlight my skin tone and it would also produce a nice contrast with my navy blue T-shirt. I gently put on the lipstick, careful not to get any lipstick outside the threshold of my lips and I did it like I was doing it for years. I was a natural. The lipstick felt creamy against my lips, it provided a glamorous shine with a touch of natural glow that brought out my eyes. For the first time in my life I felt like a real man and also "kiss ready". I walked into my room and for some odd reason I didn't feel like playing video games. All I wanted to do was to look at myself in the mirror and that's exactly what I did. I touched my lips and they felt smooth and satiny. The only downside was that it had a drying effect and it left wrinkles around the edges. But hey, nothing's perfect. I thought to myself, what colour of nail polish would go with my awesome new lips and then it hit me.

I dropped the tube like it was a Cristiano Ronaldo jersey and ran into my room. I suddenly wanted to know the name of Justin Beiber's new song. I started to wonder who is more awesome; Miley Cyrus or Ashley Tisdale? It was happening, I was turning into a girl. I ran to the bathroom and violent rubbed my lips with a dry cloth, but the lipstick wouldn't come off. Then out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of my old football boots. I put the boots on and I could feel myself turning into a dude again. But that wasn't enough. I went inside the bathroom again and started shaving. It was working the colour of the lipstick became lighter. I started listening to Megadeth's Addicted to Chaos and started to do push ups. I was beginning to sweat and finally after almost 20 push ups all the lipstick came off completely and I was saved. But then I had an awkward conversation with my sister when she found her lipstick inside my bathroom.

By Alvi Ahmed