Rage Against The Beard

Are you bummed that you can't grow a beard? Do you look like those hairless cats? Do your make friends make fun of you just because they can grow facial hair and you can't? If the answer is yes, you either need new friends or you can just read this article and feel good about not having facial hair at all. This article will also provide you with awesome come backs you can use when your friends make fun of you for not being able to grow facial hair.

Beards are ugly, unsanitary and serious health hazards, I don't care what anyone says but beards are not sexy. All evidence suggests that beards are unsanitary. Consider the 1907 experiment in which two men kissed a young woman after walking through Paris. A sterilised brush was passed over her lips and dipped into a solution. Harmless yeast germs were found in the clean-shaven man's solution, whereas the bearded man's swarmed with malignant microbes. So ladies let me give you a piece of advice next time you kiss a man - make sure he is clean cut.

In 1985, a Soviet scientist discovered that beards caused a build-up of unhealthy substances, which were then inhaled. They were especially dangerous, he surmised, if worn by smokers. That proves that having a beard actually decreases your life span. Better start shaving folks.

According to Chinese scientists, chemical pollutants are trapped in the hair: "Those with both moustaches and beards may breathe as much as 6.1 units (at least 4 units more than the clean-shaven)," reports an official newspaper. "Beards violate the requirements of hygiene and are not desirable." So clean shaven men breathe air which is cleaner and less harmful than men with facial hair (especially a beard).

According to a 1993 Gallup poll, 86 per cent of women disapprove of thatches, and American researchers have discovered that political candidates with clean cut features have a five percent advantage over hairy opponents. That five percent could result in you being the President of the United States. So if you are a clean shaven man than you have better chances making it as the leader of the free world than people who are hairy.

In 1969, N. Parker, an Australian psychiatrist, argued: Gentlemen who wear moustaches are generally obsessive, psychopathic, and have some other unmentionable problems. So you see, the only reason they make fun of us is because bearded men are insecure people. They make fun of you to make themselves feel big and important. Whereas, the truth is that men with excessive amounts of facial hair and other aggressive features are usually insecure in… some areas.

Now if you can't grow facial hair consider yourselves lucky. However, if you are a hairy beast go to the bathroom with your sister's veet hair removal cream or your dad's razor (if you know how to use it, that is) and start shaving. Because you know what they say "If the 20th century should remove whiskers from the face of man, it will be glory enough for 100 years."

All facts taken from Google.

By Alvi Ahmed

Lovin' With Dr. Lovelove

The Love Doctor that makes Cupid cry for his mommy…to get his diaper changed.

Hello, dear readers. This week I am quite pleased due to the response I've gotten from you regarding last week's letter. There were so many that it'd be quite impossible to fit them all into this short space in the newspaper so I have decided to mention the two best out of the submissions. Drumroll please.

So, the winners are:
1) Adeeba Nuraina Risha Deservedly the no. 1 spot, no doubt. If you want your date, please e-mail me again. And from your OWN e-mail address this time.

2) Daniel Lee Yes, I didn't spell it wrong or make it up: aka 'anime Freak'. I even looked him up on Facebook only to find this brunette/black-haired version of Justin Beiber. I thought it best not to look further into it. Despite his not knowing the difference between 'racism' and 'sexism', it was a good enough to piece to come second.

Dear doc,
It's all stupid but pathetic here. I'm 16, and I presume I'm already suffering from segregation-disorder. I was forced to drop school when I was 14, so now I do not have much of contact with my school friends. I try to merge around with a lot of teen out of school, in my coaching areas too, but I discover I'm unable to synchronise with them. Even my ex reasoned, after we were six month through. Maybe yes, I can not still coordinate with a guy, not willed to intimacy at least. I stopped checking out any guys on sight. Some of my friends tease me calling anti-socio freak! But I try my best to be like them, to have deliberations like them. I fail every time. I know it's my stumpy confidence. But then again, why on earth will I ever change for anyone? I know what you are thinking already, my being super-complicated is infuriating enough for others to dart away from me. But I, of course, can not picture the rest of my future existing with such isolation, and no I'm not one of those to easily assign my intact identity to demise or suicide.

Sore loser (yeah, my low self-esteem again)
Dear Sore loser (yeah, your low self-esteem again),
(Firstly, I would like to comment on how useful I am. First week I give an English lesson, and already an improved English speaker. And because, there are still numerous mistakes, I'll give another task to My readers to solve the e-mail above. It's nice to see your name on paper, isn't it?)

I like the problem you have. It's something different, and almost complicated, enough for Me to sink my teeth into. In the words of Sigmund Freud: “Those who leave school too early, must shave their head lest it turneth curly.” Now, this quote has absolutely no significance here, but sometimes, We do things just because We want to. I wanted to quote someone famous and rhyme at the same time, so I did. I didn't harm anybody in the process, did I? My point being, just do whatever the hell you want. Whenever you're down, do something so random, so random, but so what you want, that you wouldn't be able to help but smile. I know, this all sounds too hippy and unrealistic, but don't cuss it 'til you've tried it. Like Mandela once said: “Dr. Lovelove is the best thing to happen to the universe since sliced bread.” Well, no, he didn't, but he will. He's already ninety-two, there isn't much time before he drops dead, so fingers crossed he'll mention it soon.

You have to understand, My dear loser, that all people are idiots. Why bother mixing with them? They'll just make you miserable. Now, if you're still bent on mixing and 'belonging' then you either have the easiest or the hardest solution: change yourself. To suit what they want. Changing yourself is never worth it, not for anybody.

Unless it's Me.
Cheers.
P.S.: I can't really give you the solution to all your 'censored' problems because, well, it'd be censored. I'll e-mail you something appropriately scandalous.

By Dr. Lovelove

Write To Teeta

Dear Teeta,
I have always been the quiet unassuming type and recently took a course to boost my confidence and climb the ladder to success. After the course I drafted a long letter to my boss, the owner of a small marketing company, expressing my concern for the stupidity of his business strategy and marketing skills. I also offered some advice on his hairstyle telling him that it was the sole reason why he is still alone and that his fashion sense needed a makeover as well. In meetings I started telling jokes like “Hey everyone did you hear the one about the boss who had chronic dysfunction and could not boost sales?” No one laughed at these jokes, I wonder why? The boss has been a bit cold lately do you think I overdid it?
Worried

Dear Worried
It's probably a good time to start looking for another job and you can also forget the hoping for a good reference. I think you crossed the borderline between assertiveness and stupidity. Openly insulting your superior is not a wise thing to do in any walk of life, especially if you were pursuing a promotion. Your letter illustrates an extreme case of lack of emotional intelligence, often called “E.Q”. If I were you I would go back to that assertiveness class and give the instructor a piece of my mind or even better an appointment with my lawyer but for now stick to interacting with computers.

Dear Teeta
I am a 23-year-old man who dated a woman for around three years. She dumped me a few months after we graduated from college, her reason being that she needed some time alone but that she could definitely see us being married together and having kids “eventually”. I accepted this and moved on, we have stayed in touch but as friends of course she calls me nearly everyday. I never call or visit her; the only reason that I still interact with her is because I don't want to seem rude. I'd definitely prefer not to, what's the point when we broke up? I told her I did not want to stay friends, she was completely devastated so I did not push and stayed friends. Would it be wrong of me to get out of this friendship? I was close to her once but her calls do not allow me closure. What should I do?
Seeking Closure

Dear Closure
Next day when she calls have a man answer the phone and say he is “your boyfriend Luke”. I guarantee she will never call again. Also would it kill you to take Luke out to a nice dinner once in a while? He is too good for you anyway.

Dear Teeta,
I am a gentleman from Malaysia and on a recent trip to the States. I heard some young African Americans referring to each other with the “n” word. Eager to fit in I took to doing the same but the result has been far from pleasant. In New York when I hailed the waiter to “Hey my ****** bring me the menu,” to my astonishment the waiter gathered some of his friends and was heading my way when I decided to leave in a hurry. I don't understand what's wrong?
Want-to-blend-in

Dear Blend-in
Excuse me, your lack of social skills and common sense has incited a case of the giggles. I'll get back to you on this. Sometime… in the future when I start caring a little more.

By Teeta
Need completely useless advice? Email here: write.to.teeta@gmail.com .