Creaky backs and shattered hearts: What they don’t tell you about your 30s

They say that you will know what you want to do before you hit your teens. They say that in your twenties, you will already be on the way towards your dream career and by the end of it, find your partner and be married. They say that in your thirties, you should already have children, own a home and car, and have your career set in stone. Well, THEY say a lot of things!

For many, life simply does not work that way. Sure, those of you in your twenties reading this are probably saying, "By the time I am 29, all of the above are just going to fall into place."

To you, I, and many others in our mid-thirties, say "Don't hold your breath!"

Now, this won't be much of a pleasant read if I were to simply talk about all the things that have gone wrong with our lives, and so, instead of focusing on us, how about we tell you twenty-somethings what to expect down the road so that you know what to expect and hopefully, deal with things better than we had.

Career realities

When in your 30s, perhaps the biggest daily reminder of how hard life is, lies with where you spend most of your days — the workplace. If you are one of the lucky few mid-30s who are doing what you always wanted, and you are financially solvent, well kudos to you. Sadly, stories like that are few and far between.

The reality is most of us are working in places that were not even on our list, but life's unpredictable currents had other plans. Truth be told, we have learned to make peace with it, and many of us have even come to love/appreciate the career path we are on. One thing you can do to stay on top of your game is acquire new skills, because even old dogs can learn new tricks! This will enable you to adapt to your career swings more easily.

One thing we have difficulty making peace with though is the poor state of our finances. Many soul-sucking jobs pay well, but at the end of the day, you are reduced to a husk, while a job you might enjoy might hand out a peanut instead. And keep in mind, as the years go by, your money buys less and less stuff, and that's a problem if your workplace's idea of a raise is double-digit numbers.

It's handy to remember that unlike the '60s and '70s, when our parents or grandparents could buy a house for the salaries we typically make now, this same salary is not even enough to get a meeting with a real estate agent.

So, the only wisdom I can impart right now is to start saving immediately and go see a therapist to deal with any of your unresolved issues, rather than dealing with said issues by buying into new hobbies every other year, because trust me, you are not helping anyone.

Your health's wakeup call

Are you someone who could bolt up seven stories without breaking a sweat? Well, guess what? Crossing thirties will see you with a mild arrhythmia and gasping for an oxygen canister after just two stories. And forget eating your favourite junk food whenever wherever. Even before you get a reality check at work, the first thing that will tip you off that 30s and beyond is a whole new ball game — your health.

You have seen plenty of sitcoms and movies stating this, but trust me, nothing prepares you for the reality. After your 30s, you have to make a two-day plan to eat anything remotely unhealthy so that you can have the second day to suffer its consequences.

On a more serious note, this is also when many of your lifelong ailments will first rear their ugly heads. It's absolutely not uncommon to hear about a 30-something male/female suffering from heart conditions, diabetes, or even early-onset dementia!

Much of this is down to how unhealthy of a life we live. Let's not kid ourselves; the food we eat here is super unhealthy, the air we breathe in is downright toxic, and our sedentary lifestyle robs us of the daily minimum exercise we need in life.

Once you hit 30, it's important to have regular check-ups from then on because prevention is better than cure, especially when said cure is expensive and you don't have your mum and dad to bail you out anymore, because guess what — you are now an adult — no more safety nets.

The "real" fear of being alone

This might trigger loads of fiercely independent people, but having someone by your side is something you need to factor in in your life. If there is one thing we learn in our mid-30s, it's that one day, sooner or later (hopefully never), we might be standing on this planet alone. We know that is the eventuality of life, but I don't think we truly realise what it entails until we are on the spot.

No one's saying you need to be provided for and taken care of like a big baby, but think about this — what will you do when you are sick? Say, as sick as your parents are now? Your parents had you to look after, but who will be there for you? If you answer "friend," "relatives," or "myself," then dear reader, you are kidding yourself.

Having a strong romantic partner helps make peace with some of these situations. However, as we learned in our mid-30s, you cannot even take that for granted. If there is one upheaval that we in our 20s didn't see much were relationship woes.

Growing up, we saw people just pair up and before you knew it, their knots were tied. I mean, that's what movies and TV shows taught us. Sadly, the reality was different.

Stories of 30+ people loving hard and having their hearts broken to smithereens are as common as the cold. And so, you will find loads of us mid-30s folks trying to go through life with our heart in 50,000 pieces, but still putting up a smile to not ruin anyone else's day.

With the advent of social media, relationships have gotten even more fragile, as we are constantly led to believe that there is always a better choice out there. The "fix it till you make it" philosophy has taken a backseat to the "new is always better" mindset, and let me tell you, that's not healthy.

Of course, this is not an excuse to stay in toxic relationships and try to "fix" a bad person. All I can say truthfully is relationships are hard and happiness is not easy, so if you are not happy and at peace, be with someone who gives you those things, because if it were not evident already, life is hard.

The perils of societal expectations

While you may think we have made peace with/adjusted to most of life's swings, you know who has not — society!

Society has so much to say about the poor state of our finances, our 'dead-end' job, and our divorced or single status, that we might be forgiven for thinking that society was there to raise us, wipe our tears, feed us, put us to sleep, and send us to school.

Society seems to be especially at the necks of women, endlessly criticising their lifestyle, their marital status, and their relationships. In our 20s, we were very impressionable, and subconsciously, we carried their dos and don'ts with us to our mid-30s, and that has resulted in unfair comparisons to our peers, leading to unhappiness of our own making.

The trend continues with social media, where people selectively share only their happy moments, leading the rest of us to think we live unfulfilling lives. Loads of people in their 30s realise that by trying to conform to societal norms, they had landed themselves in a pit of unhappiness, and guess what, society was not there to bail them out.

Society will always have an opinion, so it's important to learn that anything outside your own house is just noise, and you should treat it as such.

Speaking of inside your house, something that is a sure-fire signal that the "rest of your life" is knocking on your door is the rise in responsibilities. As you get older, you will start working, pay the bills, take care of elderly parents, manage a career, maintain a relationship, and take care of yourself.

That one inescapable inevitability

This part of your thirties will sting the most, because, for most of you, this is where you will start to grapple with the concept of mortality. After all, for one, this is where your parents growing old will become most evident.

For many of you, this will be when your folks start suffering from the effects of old age. For some, it will be the trauma of watching your parents deal with serious or terminal health issues and coming to terms with the idea that they will soon leave this place, and you will truly have to face the world alone.

And for the unfortunate few, who have already had to undergo the loss of one or both of their parents, the pain of putting the pieces of their life back together seems unbearable.

Another aspect that drives home the lesson of mortality that many of you did not think about is unexpected losses. Some of you out there have lost a friend, close cousin or beloved member of the family. Some go through worse — from the gripping fear of infertility to the emotional devastation of neonatal deaths, even happily ever after is not without its share of pain.

The closing

It is important to prepare for these eventualities, but what is not right is jumping the gun. Most of these things need to be tackled at the right age, with the right mental development. Getting married in your early 20s, for example, is an example of what you perhaps should not do. Those are your formative years, where you experience things that will help shape your life further down the road. That action robs you of said experiences and leaves deep-seated issues that remain unresolved for many years.

Some have managed to deal with them admirably, while others, not so much. Sure, there are extreme circumstances where people have to tackle a 35-year-old's level of responsibility while still in their very early 20s, but remember that they are the exception, not the rule.

If it was not evident enough, life past your 30s is rough, at least it was for us. From disappointments in careers, shattered hearts and relationships, to unfair comparisons to our successful peers, and to seeing our once-invincible parents becoming feebler, things get real in your 30s.

I wish I could say knowing these things would somehow help you make changes, but the truly hardest lesson we learnt is you can plan and plan, and life will sweep it all away and present something else. So, what I can say is to learn to make the best lemonade and get used to having it on the regular when life leaves you with crates of lemons.

Illustration: Oishik Jawad