Lifestyle
The Dhaliwood Director's Test
Sharier
Please fill up the form to see if you qualify for directing Dhaliwood Movie. Note that there are no marks. We score you as we please.
1. What was your previous profession?
a. Dhaliwood tea boy
b. Minibus driver with a fatal attraction towards jaywalkers
c. Traffic police with material attraction to minibus drivers running over jaywalkers
e. Share market trader back in '11
f. Lady killer (killing ladies on hire)
g. A member of Dakat Shahid gang
2. What did you actually want to be?
a. Prime minister of the USA—which did not happen due to lack of such a post there
b. Bollywood hero—which did not happen due to your terrible Hindi, your non-existent good looks and weight problem
c. Bangla villain- which did not happen (though you are qualified) because you insisted on a particular role involving the heroine and the hero's young sister/s and the director said you look too realistic for the role
d. Dhaliwood Cameraman- which did not happen because no one wanted to lend you a camera, fearing you might sell it in Dholaikhal
e. Heroine's godfather—which did not happen because you really did not want to be her father-figure dude
3. What is the most important element of a Bangla film?
a. Having Shaquib Kha as the hero
b. Having Abdul Jolil Pom Gana as the hero
c. Bangla version of the latest vulgar hit Hindi song
d. The dance numbers performed by female alien slaves (behind the heroine) wearing alien outfits, who were detained by deshi people while the aliens had attempted to abduct a deshi human
e. Portrayal of slum hero who knows kung fu, owns motor bikes or cars, and dances with the community godfather's obese daughter
f. Portrayal of borolok thirty-something, plump, school-going heroine who wears alien outfits unseen in the whole solar system
g. Shocking dialogue and sequences like "I will eat season's fruits in the proper season" (dialogue thrown at the heroine) or RU Pom Gana (hero telling disgruntled fans) or eating of a man's heart (to show how ferocious a villain is)
h. Lack of any plot- so that by the time the audience is out from the movie theatre, they would wonder what it was all about, and go back to the theatre to watch it again (thus the movie will be a blockbuster)
4. What is the least important element of a Bangla film?
a. Direction: Good direction makes the movie too serious, while bad direction can make the audience laugh all the time
b. Acting: we want the audience to remember that it's just a movie. We don't want the people to watch realistic acting and be affected by that
c. Taste: taste? Go eat your nani's biriyani. What do you mean a movie has to be tasteful? Do you want to eat the movie?
d. A story that people remember: As explained elsewhere, we want people not to remember what the movie is about, so that they go back to the theatres to watch it again.
e. Witty dialogue: The audience is stupid. They don't understand wit.
5. Which of the following hypothetical names of the movies would you like most?
a. Social Action with light vulgarity: Khaisi tore (I shall eat you)
b. Action with medium vulgarity: Khaise Amare (I am being eaten)
c. Family Drama with vulgarity suitable for children above 18: Ami Keno Khai (Why do I eat)
d. Bloody Action with a lot of vulgarity suitable for men aged above 36— weak hearted people should refrain from seeing it: Khaise Koshai (Hungry Butcher)
6. How would you handle your unruly villains?
a. Provide him with his real-life-profession equipment including guns and bombs
b. Lure him to act properly by repeatedly telling him that the next shot would involve the heroine
c. Show him the warrant for his arrest (issued before he joined movies) whenever he tries to create trouble
7. How do you handle heroes?
a. provide him with his real-life-profession equipment including guns and bombs
b. Lure him to act properly by repeatedly telling him that the next shot would involve the heroine
c. Show him the warrant for his arrest (issued before he joined movies) whenever he tries to create trouble
8. How do you handle yourself?
a. provide yourself with your real-life-profession equipment including guns and bombs
b. Lure yourself to direct properly by respectedly telling yourself that after the shooting you'll have some 'tea' with the heroine.
c. Glance at the warrant of arrest (issued before you joined movies) whenever you feel like not working.
Please e-mail your form to: dhalipagol@dhalimail.com. Selected candidates will be duly hounded.
