The hierarchy of gaming

WE will now take this moment to mourn, for that elusive joy, that comes from intense gaming. We feel we must speak for the brothers and sisters out there currently suffering because Edexcel decided to screw things up by publishing them accursed results. We know, it's excruciating when they take away your PC just when you're almost there!

Indeed, the PC is part of our livelihoods, it lets us live, in the proper fashion, in the way people such as we were meant to live.

There was this fellow back in 1943, Abraham Maslow. He had the wise idea that we humans are governed by particular motivations. He even wrote a paper called, "A Theory of Human Motivation."

It's called the Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs. Interpreted, it represents the shape of a pyramid.

Given how most of these philological-psychosophical things go, we were actually impressed with what he came up with. By this we mean we did actually manage to wring some meaning out of it. Of course for people like us, the needs would have to be defined in a whole different light. Because we like educating the masses and because we like games and because we aren't n00bcakes.

We've decided to give a little wisdom. For free.

Physiological Needs: The base of the pyramid, this represents the physical aspect of our needs. Food, shelter, clothing, activities that give us plenty of plenty of fun and merriment. See, lethargy is nice. It never fails to feel great after coming back from a day's hard work, or lack thereof, and just sink into your throne- I mean, computer chair and just let game guide you through the night. You get a bit of exercise on your fingers, as you click that mouse and press those keys. You become better at hand-eye co-ordinations, and damned if you can't open a can of whooping on some two-bit lame gamer. Gaming… Lethargic satisfaction guaranteed.

Safety: This section basically deals with the things a human needs in order to feel safe. Normal people who go out into the real would obviously say bodily health, a good job and home and some such constitute their needs for safety. Abnormal people, such as we, who've been hooked on GoW and long before that, Quake 3 and Doom would say Longshots, Rail Guns, BFGs, Shock Rifles and an unlimited amount of bullets serves as an awesome line of defence should we so require. Also, immunity from zombies. (Yes, we know, zombies and GoW don't go, but we did play Manhunt... a lot.) Thus is our safety confirmed.

Social Needs: Taking up the third block of the pyramid is the social need. This represents our asinine need to remain aloof and introverted while at the same time claim some semblance of a social life. I have more than three hundred friends on facebook, and much more that I don't bother adding. When we surpass our mortal selves in the world of gaming, and of course when we're kicking sweet friendly ass in multiplayer deathmatch games, that's when we find ourselves blissfully sliding into a l33t group of geeks that thrives on success in the art of fragging. And right about then, we belong. Geek pride, man.

Esteem: Being human beings who listen to the Smiths (I AM HUMAN AND I NEED TO BE LOVED!) we do sometimes feel the need to be accepted. As dumbfounding as that may seem, we gamers sometimes feel the tender need to boast about ourselves. One of the reasons we took to games was because we flunked pretty badly at the one called life i.e. Epic Fail in the tutorial phase.

And because no one, and by that we mean no one, has managed to beat us in King of Fighters or Quake, makes us feel a little better. Maslow talked about how human beings needed self-confidence, esteem, blah, blah, blah. Give us high scores on Metal Slug and Pinball any day.

And if that, by any chance, buys us some little shred of respect in the eyes of others, even if it is only geek pride, and added wide-eyed admiration through thick-rimmed glasses at Garena and other VPNs, we'll be happy to take it.

Self-Actualisation: We are who we are. And we feel most superior and nigh godlike when we're doing what we do best. And that's gaming. Game developers throw at us challenges and almost impossible to defeat bosses (we're looking at you Doom!), and when we succeed in opening yet another can of whooping, what we feel right than can only be comparable to the blissful taste of a turkey burger from the all-powerful Burger King (all hail).

Whether it's slaying dragons, saving damsels in distress or in some cases, slaying dragons and saving damsels, we're always there to answer the call, ready to take up the challenge sword in hand and guns blazing. To be honest, we'd rather save dragons. A lot fewer of those to go around these days.

No achievement feels better than the sweet victory of beating a game and the following rolling of credits. Well, except those Burger King burgers and Whoppers. Instant nirvana guaranteed. And for those dudes in the back yelling out for PS3s and Xbox 360s; they're cool. But do go check out the Alienware M17x. It may cost you a kidney, but it's still a surefire way to achieve Nerdvana.

Ninja Murgi: Dude, I don't get this psychology thing… Why are we even doing this and not playing Bioshock 2 till we puke?

Captain Kauwa: Because we need to teach the masses brother, we need to let them know.

NM: About what?

CK: Things. Stuff.

NM: Ah. Wait, what kinda things?

CK: You know things. The kinda things that show we know stuff.

NM: n00bcakes?

CK: n00bcakes.

By Ninja Murgi and Captain Kauwa