The week in re(ar)view

THERE was a time when people worried about dying either from illness, tiger attack, a blunt blow from a conquering tribe or an impending ice age. These days, dying is a multi-course menu. There are more ways to die everyday then there are to stay alive. This week we feature the past weeks doom and gloom because that's all there really was.

Killer dessert
You don't have to be a member of a Backstreet Boys inspired pop-rock-classical band to fear death from rotten eggs. You can be an ordinary Tom, Dick and Hafiz who goes for a regular tasty cake at the local street-side Hotel California.

Rapid Action Battalion (RAB) this week seized 12,000 rotten eggs to be sold at different bakeries in Chittagong. Two were arrested. RAB caught these people at a godown adjacent to Pahartali Police Station. They also confessed that they used to deliver around 20,000 rotten eggs to different local bakeries in a week. These days, it's best to refrain from having your cake and eating it too. Till the writing of this news item, no chickens were harmed except for one that tried to cross a road.

CNG boom, literally
Compressed natural gas is still an unnatural danger in our lives. On March 16, a huge explosion of the booster pipe at a CNG station in Uttara blew the roof of the station's electric control room and deposited it on a neighbouring building. While people fear NOT having a roof over their heads, these residents have two roofs over their heads. Four employees, including an engineer, were critically injured.

Nazmul Haque, president of Bangladesh Petroleum Owners Association, told The Daily Star that approximately 15 blasts and fires took place last year due to mechanical faults or a disregard for safety measures.

Smothered by advertisements
Advertisements can literally kill. On March 15, a billboard fell off a six-storey building in Gulshan-1 during a storm killing two people and injuring eight others. Fast-food shop owner Abdus Salam filed a murder case accusing the shopping arcade owners of killing his employee. Gulshan police took away one smashed car as evidence. Forgive our ignorance but we would have taken the hoarding itself to be evidence but of course, the car is easier.

On a related note, it turns out 80 percent of billboards are unauthorised yet they stand tall (until a storm comes by). Advertisers continue to set up unauthorised hoardings taking advantage of a High Court order in 2007 that stopped tearing down of illegal billboards until a case in this regard is disposed of. The recently collapsed billboard did not have DCC's permission.

Stranger danger
There used to be a time when muggers would only try to take your valuables. Now, they figure they might as well take your life. On 17, two people died at Dhaka Medical College Hospital (DMCH) after they fell victim to Aggyan Party men whose motto is 'Drug to Mug'. The bodies were found at two different bus stops. The victims were both in their 50's.

Enough of doom
Here's some gloom to cheer you up. RAB continue their busting tactics while coming down on several fake drinking water factories on 18 March. These places were fined Tk 4.40 lakh. According to the report, the factories were washing the water jars 'manually' as opposed to using chemicals, ultraviolet rays and robots from the movie 'Transformers' to properly kill germs. By manually, it means, human hands and some water.

They also caught and fined Foods and Flavour of Yummy Yummy Company for processing chicken and fast food items in a car-parking place. Now you know what happens to the chicken that can't cross the road.

Bangladesh now made in China
In the last few years, we have been flooded with Chinese goods a lot of which are not necessarily good(s). Even risky-to-life material like medicines, elevators and car tyres are Chinese. Even some people are reporting that they found 'Made in China' imprinted on their bum a few days after wearing Chinese clothes. So it's about time we tried sending some of our stuff their way. Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina and Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao signed a treaty that allows duty-free access of Bangladeshi products to Chinese markets. Now we can send off the television sets we produce using Chinese parts to China.

By Mood Dude and Someone

Lovin' With Dr. Lovelove

The Love Doctor that makes cupid cry for his mommy…to get his diaper changed.

Dear Doc,
I don't care what other people say or think about you. For I fervently believe in your advice and your claimed PhD. So I bet you're the only genius who can help me out!

Now, I'm a girl of 16, and I look way too pretty according to many people. Boys keep drooling behind me like faithful dogs. They keep on staring at me as if I'm something to eat (Don't worry. They don't give any Edward Cullen type looks). So, as you can guess, I hate it. I try my best to be rude to almost everyone nowadays, because they say I talk very sweetly and this attracts boys. I reject proposals every other day. But they try to take advantage of decency (for I reject them by being soft-spoken) and make me feel guilty for breaking their so-called HEARTS. How do I deal with such stupid, mediocre, and good-for-nothing boys?
Sincerely,
Guilty Heart-breaker.

Dear Guilty Heart-breaker,
Are you really this stupid? Or is this a special occasion? Your answer lies in your question, and yet, you cannot see it. I do not blame you, though. Women (as you have read countless times in my column, because c'mon, like anyone doesn't read my column), I have found through vigorous research, i.e. I dated them, lack a certain element in their brain that is required for cognitive purposes. As a result, they are unable to see the most immediate and easiest of solutions and can't deal with their problems. You say you're not rude, and hence, can't drive them away? Then just be rude for God's sakes. Seriously.

But you're not that stupid, which I have surmised from the fact that you believe what I say. So that should help you harness the most important (and only) quality worth wanting you possess: your attractiveness. This is just some friendly, and most importantly, free advice: Use it to your advantage in the future. You have been blessed with good looks so life has immediately been made easier for you. Utilise it to the fullest. You can get other people to do your job for you, get things from other, less attractive people, and, eventually, make a rich, fool of a boy your husband in the future. Make sure you check his father's, not his, bank balance before you get hitched.

Dear Dr. Lovelove,
I'm 16 and I need your help with something. I was in an online relationship with a girl from South Africa. I was about to go to her country after 2 years. We regularly met using webcams and we chatted in different sites. We were together for more than a year. During this time, we had three break-ups. But every time, I managed to persuade her to return to me. And now, she has broken up with me again and I'm certain that nothing can happen between us anymore. The only excuse she ever gave me was that I was too good for her. Surely, that's the lamest one. And no, I'm not an ugly jerk in real life. It's just that she's unlike anyone I've never met before. Her personality and beauty are outstanding. I know that it was a mistake to begin with. Don't ask me the whys and wherefores. I just need you to tell me how to get over her. Please help me! I don't care if this is a humour column or not. I need someone who can help me. I'm really desperate. Since the last break up, I can't sleep properly. I've been eating only once a day and I can't study. I even skipped my S.S.C. exam this year because of her. I'm tired of this pain. I cry for her day and night. It feels like I'm being sucked into a black hole of sadness. I can't carry this intense pain anymore. I just love her too much. Tell me how to stop loving her.
With regards,
Mannequin

Dear Mannequin,
I know you! You were in that Karan Johar film. What was it called? Main Ladki Ki Tadha Roti Kyun Hoon? Or wait, no. OH! Yes, that Ekta Kapoor serial, Kahaani Emo Emo Ki. Ah, shucks. Maybe not. What I'm trying to say, basically, is that you're a ginormous wuss. Are you sure you're not a girl? The simplest solution would be to tell you to suck it up. But I'm guessing your oestrogen level will not allow for that to happen.

The best way to get over someone is to find a girl who is better looking than her to replace her. You say you're not ugly, but there's no way I can judge that from your letter. But this might be a clue for you to figure out if you're ugly or not: do people dress up as you on Halloween? I'm just kidding. Of course they do. But that is not important.

What is important is the rating system; I'm sure most people have heard of it. If not, let me explain: your looks are given a number from 1 to 10. And if you really push it, you can get a partner as much as three points higher than you. And I assume your ex isn't any higher than two points from you. So get someone who is three points higher (You will have to work really, really hard being the person you are.) You'll be over her in a flash. Looks trump all. After money, of course. As for you being too good for her, that's one of the classics. It just means she's too good for you.

By Dr. Lovelove

Problems and inquiries: dr.lovelove@live.com
Disclaimer: While RS enjoys reading Dr Lovelove's replies as much as the next guy, we do have the sense to not take him all that seriously. The views and advice in this column are only for comic effect and are not to be taken seriously.

RS Mailbox

Your one-stop junction for love, hate, suggestions and counters for the Rising Stars.

Word on our last issue:
Anika Zaman: I really loved the Dr Lovelove section
Numaya Shahriar: The cover was awesome
Hridi Rahman: Hey, I loved the cover story
Jerisa Jerry H: The sin thing wasn't really good. I mean, cover stories are usually better.

Kazi Azwad Ahmed: Ditto (to Jerry), but Re(ar)view and 'Of Loose Lips and verbal diarrhoea was awesome.
Shaer Duita Phish Reza: Was kind of disappointed by the game review. What's the point of reviewing a game we cant play with our slow Internet? And the goat movie is awesome. Good review too!

Nadeen Purna: Well missed the match of Fed-Samp-Rafa-Agassi. Damn! Long-live celebrity stupidity! “The melancholy of useless" was awesome!
Tasmia Tasin: Well, I liked the cover story, but the writer really should have written "Please don't believe whatever is written on it" on the cover too, because it might have a bad effect on young people's minds.

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