North Korea to host 2030 World Cup: FIFA
World football's governing body yesterday announced that the 2030 World Cup would be held in North Korea. The decision was taken, according to FIFA president Gianni Infantino, after the resounding success of the Qatar World Cup.
Some critics said it was a little early to term the Qatar World Cup a resounding success as it was only six days old, but they were quickly shown yellow cards by a very excitable Infantino.
Infantino said by granting World Cup hosting rights to countries with sketchy human rights records, FIFA was doing the world a great service.
"When we bring the football World Cup to a country, we also bring our values of oneness and unity. Who said One Love? Who said that?? YELLOW CARD!" Infantino shouted in a press conference in Doha.
"Today I feel North Korean. Today I feel Asian. Today I feel like a dictator. Today I feel 40 kilogrammes overweight. Today I feel like an oppressed subject," he said, in front of a stunned audience.
"I feel this, all this, because what I've been seeing and what I've been told, since I don't read, otherwise I would be depressed, I think.
"What I've seen brings me back to my personal story. I am in charge of FIFA."
As the assembled media personnel tried to make sense of any of this, Infantino tried to shed some light, "The amount of criticism we got for holding the tournament in Qatar made me believe that more criticism was coming my way [after the North Korea announcement].
"Because of the World Cup being held in Qatar, the country got rid of the Kafala system," he said, and showed another yellow card after a journalist countered that the Kafala system was not really abolished, and whatever reform was made happened only after migrant workers endured inhumane conditions to build the stadia for the World Cup.
"But that won't happen in North Korea," Infantino said. "All the workers will be North Korean. There will be no problems on that front."
He also listed some of the changes that would be brought for North Korea 2030.
"Since North Koreans can only access 28 websites, there will be 28 teams in the World Cup instead of 32. The matches will also not be broadcast live, but that is a small price to pay for helping North Korea start on its path towards change," he said.
"Also, all the players will have to put on at least 20 kgs, and sport a version of Kim Jong Un's haircut. Also also, I'd like to announce the winners of the 2030 World Cup: North Korea!"
When asked if FIFA officials got any financial reward for choosing North Korea as hosts, the FIFA boss showed the questioner a red card.