THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

ARIES
When you trust people, they will get dirt and water over everything that's important.

TAURUS
You will feel inadequate when an old man flirts successfully with girls in your turf.

GEMINI
If you come into possession of a jar, it is your duty to keep a salamander in it.

CENCER
They took my bed. They took my life. I still have my dice and hourglass though.

LEO
Will the owner of a plastic ruler that says BATTERFLY please report to the parking lot?

VIRGO
If you use an empty box of chocolates as a pencil case it would be misleading.

LIBRA
Get your priorities straight this lucky Wednesday and you will get your newspaper.

SCORPIO
Would you rather have a very big shoe or a very big foot? Hint: think of the cyber bullies.

SAGITTARIUS
A mnemonic device is different from a demonic one but both are used in exams.

CAPRICON
Who calls up someone after midnight to tell them they're a terrible person?

AQUARIUS
Capricorn called me after midnight to tell me what a terrible person I am! Wow.

PISCES
If you haven't been able to tell so far, this is the bit where I give myself good advice.