This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Photosynthesis is going to stop soon.

TAURUS

Evacuation is inevitable unless it is impertinent.

GEMINI

Youth is a social construct. I'm a Civil Engineer.

CANCER

Go home to your mother and don't come back. 

LEO

Play with us if you think you can eat chicken sandwiches. 

VIRGO

Learning how to handle gravy is the fastest way to get rich in this town.

LIBRA

Some of your efforts will not go to waste.

SCORPIO

Sloppy seconds make for great dinners.

SAGITTARIUS

Gaps are nice but not big enough.

CAPRICORN

Gasping is a great way of releasing happiness. 

AQUARIUS

Oh yeah, the cow eats hay, I am tired and I will lay. Down. 

PISCES

The moon is bright because you are a nice person.