Accepting your parents is not the same as loving your parents

Are you realising that your parents aren't the great role models you thought they were? Are you beginning to relate to the lyrics of Sasha Sloan's "Older", where it goes "The older I get the more that I see/My parents aren't heroes, they're just like me"?

Firstly, allow yourself to experience the emotions you are entitled to. It could be hatred, sadness, fear, or despair. Instead of suppressing your feelings, be present with them, talk about them, write about them, and, if necessary, cry about them. You should be upset because you should have been cared for and supported without having to perform in a certain way.

We must accept our parents for who they are and what they can offer. Then we may decide what type of relationship we desire. It can be a close connection, or that of a trusted confidant. It could be at arm's length, with rigid boundaries and no contact. But, in order to reach that conclusion, we must embrace the reality of who our parents are, which involves letting go of who we wish they were.

You may grieve the parents you wished for but did not receive. You may grieve the person you could have been if your parents had shown you the love and support that every child deserves. If you need more time to be angry or outraged about it, go ahead and take it. But there is a lot of power in accepting your parents for who they are, which may make you feel less emotionally charged. Ultimately, this will allow you to decide what kind of relationship you want to have with them.

You can ask yourself what actions can be taken that is consistent with your values and allow your emotions and voice to be heard. It might be as simple as writing a letter, posting on TikTok or Instagram, having important conversations with your family, speaking with a friend, or getting professional assistance. In times like this, being in touch with your feelings and acting in accordance with them can lead to healing and positive development.

TherapyJeff, a professional counsellor from Portland, Oregon, encourages his audience on Tiktok in setting healthy family boundaries. He says, "If you are labelled as the problem for creating boundaries it's because they can't take accountability. They need to protect the dysfunctional system at all costs. You're not actually making things worse when you're like, 'I'm not going to deal with this toxicity anymore.' However, just because you set a healthy boundary with your family doesn't mean you won't feel left out. Sure, you're the one setting the limit that's deciding not to be closed with the family, and probably for a very good reason. But are you specifically missing your family numbers? Or are you just craving the feeling that family can give you care, closeness, and acceptance because you've created a surrogate family filled with friends in your community that give you all the healthy love you could ever want?"

In order to move forward and feel more at peace, oftentimes the first step is to accept the reality of who your parents really are, as difficult as that may be.

The author is a student at Independent University, Bangladesh.