Santa in the flesh

It is that time of year again. Winter is here and Christmas is only just a few days away. It's about time you knew, that scientists calculated that Santa visits approximately 822 homes a second to deliver all the world's presents on Christmas eve, travelling at a whopping 650 miles a second.

Another interesting fact is that you can Facebook approximately 200 people that currently go by the name S. Claus, so if you don't get the present you deserve, just message them and demand a better one. There are even some registered as living in good ol' Dhaka!

On a totally unrelated note, or maybe not so much, December is known for being the most popular month for nose jobs.

Personally, I hope that my Christmas this year will be a whole lot better than the horrible Christmas I had last year. On Christmas day last year, there was a knock on our door early morning.  Opening the door I could see a Caucasian male, white and obese. He appeared extremely exhausted, had sore eyes and was approximately Santa-aged.

He looked exhausted enough to faint and when I asked him why he was in that condition, he brushed me off saying, 'I'm not as young as I was, ho, ho, ho.' As he sat down in our couch to rest I could see the burns on his head which I believed was caused during chimney descents.

Later I learned that this gentleman, I'll call him S.C, drank only once a year; on Christmas Eve. He told me that most families were tired of making cookies and would nowadays just leave a bottle of juice on the table for him.

Furthermore, I learned that he had a lot of allergic reactions to a whole stack of things. Causes behind the allergies are unknown since travel history is quite extensive, and as he visited every single location in the world, once every year. 

He is a pipe smoker. He has been shot once, during a present delivery in a sketchy neighborhood. He refuses to exercise and eats six meals a day, containing extremely high sugar levels. His favorite beverage is one which has a sugar intake of 98 percent. Other things I found out were that he suffers from lack of memory and could not recall much of any other event apart from Christmas Eve every year. This lack of memory was probably due to his mythical nature of existence.

S.C. seems angry with the world for using his name so commercially while he does not receive a percentage of the profits that all the companies are making about him. He gets really worried when people do not believe of his existence, which I think could lead to breakdowns in the future. He also gets really insecure when he has to pick out individual gifts for children all over the world. Furthermore he complained that he didn't quite know what to do with the children that had been 'naughty'.

That day he told me that Rudolph's red nose might have been caused by a parasitic infection of the respiratory system, that his bones leaked miracle juice and that he sometimes likes a bit of cherry to go along with the cookies.

Last year, I fed him some cookies and let him watch the parade on Youtube while he got better. So this year hopefully, you'll all be getting your gifts. If not, let me know, I can reach him on his cell.

Photo: Shahrear Kabir Heemel

Food prepared by: Orange & Half