Let's MoPE!

Ladies and Gentlemen, let's not sugarcoat it. Dhaka has become one big group project, where everyone's angry, nobody's submitting anything on time, and someone just blocked Shahbagh again.

Every day begins with a national guessing game, "Bro, which road is blocked today?" Answer remains mostly the same: all of them. We're not living in a city any more, we're extras in Protest and Furious: Dhaka Drift, dodging megaphones and motorbikes.

With the government, keenly babysitting chaos without getting the mess, it's the perfect time to propose something bold, visionary. Let's launch a Ministry of Protest Expressions (MoPE).

Yes, a real ministry. With desks, peons, air-conditioned indignation, and an official tea budget. Because if people are going to protest every day, they might as well do it on schedule, with permits, and government-approved rage.

Here's how it works. You're mad? Beautiful. Fill out Form PA-01. Declare your issue (no pressure, even demand to "Bring Back Winter" is fine), your desired location (Shahbagh recommended, you're more likely to be approved sooner), estimated number of protesters, and whether you're bringing your own mic. If not, no worries; the ministry rents out speakers and microphones at subsidised rates.

Once approved, you get your shiny Protest Licence, laminated, expires after 90 minutes or baton charge, whichever hits first.

The ministry will issue a Daily Protest Routine, just like the BCS exam schedule but louder and sweatier.

For example, 10:00am – Bring Nouka Policy party's Retro March. Motto: Make Autocracy Great Again! (Kakrail; they will march us back in time).

12:00pm – Behat Party's Cry-in With Chants. Motto: [UNDISCLOSED] (Shahbagh).

3:00pm – Auto-Pass Liberation Front's Hunger Strike. Motto: No exam, No stress — just promote and bless! (Raju Sculpture).

4:00pm – National Confusion Party. Motto: We Came, We Spoke, We Confused Everyone! (Jatrabari).

To keep things modern, there'll be an app: ProtestTrack, which will send push notifications like: "Avoid Shahbagh — protest intensity: boiling. Traffic: existential. Vibe: overthrow an adviser."

Loyalty matters. Protesters will now earn ProtestPoints. Lets say you have attended 10 protests. Free megaphone for your next campaign. 25? A few towels and ORSaline starter pack for your squad. 50? A Disruptor Elite Badge and reserved shade under a tree in Shahbagh.

Police, who were confused about their role recently, will be equipped with a new Protest Response Toolkit.

If protesters staged a sit-in during a heatwave, police will spray cold water (for hydration, not violence—relax).

If they chant slogans that are too spicy for specific advisers? Side-eyes and sighs.

Blocking VIP routes or disturbing national KPIs? Baton Ballet: Level 2.

Burning tyres or violating Section 144? Hot water cannon. Tear shells. Full cinematic takedown. They'll get large industrial speakers to set that retaliatory mood too.

And of course, protests will now be proudly sponsored.

"This protest is brought to you by bKoiN — Don't riot, just request."

"Justice is tiring. Recharge with ORSaline™ — the official drink of national disappointment."

Now, some uncles will be angry at me for this, they will say – "Shame on you! You're mocking the sacred democratic process!"

Uncle, please sit down. The system mocked us for 15 years. No protests. No memes. No "haha" reacts. Just silence and surveillance. Now people have trauma, time, and mics. Let them vent.

And no, I'm not applying to this ministry.

Unless… of course… you insist.

In that case, I humbly accept the role of Adviser to the Ministry of Protest Expressions. Corner office. AC on turbo. Window facing Shahbagh. I'll just sip tea and say, "Nice chant. But add a rhyme — democracy loves rhythm."