How to give feedback effectively

Unless you have the combined mental strength of a Jedi and Professor X, you probably don't deal with criticism too well. And it's not your fault. Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author of the book Emotional Intelligence (and the guy who coined the term), says "Threats to our standing in the eyes of others are remarkably potent biologically, almost as those to our very survival." But when it comes to the next person, be it co-worker, minion or boss-man, we're remarkably insensitive – even if we're internalising our hate and not bashing them out loud, we're not being particularly constructive.

In fact, people who receive feedback only apply it 30 percent of the time. Why is this? It's because the person receiving the feedback doesn't feel comfortable and his brain changes the information instead of changing his behaviour.

Giving feedback is a process that needs to be normalised and regularised. Stop thinking of it in terms of an end-of-the-quarter surprise attack. No employee, no matter how well-informed about the periodic performance review, can sit through an excruciating verbal volley of "insults" on his lack of professional prowess. Instead, ease into giving formal feedback by making regular informal feedback that is a healthy mix of both criticism and advice – the good with the bad. And the sooner you address an issue, the more a person will be expecting it and the more receptive he will be to it. But only after the both of you have calmed down.

While positive feedback stimulates the reward centres of the brain, there is a role for negativity if a person isn't listening to what you're saying. That said it's important to avoid exaggeration. Criticism that's overdone injures employee morale and an employee who starts to experience quarter-life low self-esteem issues is not in the best shape for improvement. Be specific and if needed, criticise in private. Don't be a bully in your noble efforts to teach a person a much needed lesson.

Once you're done, give the other person time for self-explanation or questions or to respond. For best results and maximum clarity, use specific examples of what the other party has done wrong and connect it to your argument. Remember, the aim is to make the recipient of your feedback feel comfortable. Otherwise everything you say is going to be terrifying white noise that makes very little sense and invokes quite a bit of misplaced anger.

Writer is Sub-Editor of the career publication of The Daily Star. She is also a junior at the Institute of Business Administration, University of Dhaka