How to deal with trust issues in a relationship

Is your significant other doing you a heckin distress? Are you having trouble concentrating on your studies because they haven't returned your call yet nor have they replied to your text even though they were "active 5 minutes ago"? Stress no more, fam. I am here to help. 

First and foremost, if lately you've been having feelings that your significant other is not being entirely honest with you - do not open up to them about it. You always need to have the upper hand to be the superior one in the relationship. When you open up to a person and tell them that you're having these feelings it lets them know that you care about them. And you cannot have that. You need to repress all your emotions, all your distrust, and just come off as uninterested as possible. Extensive research has proven that a person becomes approximately thousand times more attractive when they aren't interested in you. 

Now, let's just face it. Trust issues creep in into literally every relationship. Hence, it is recommended to keep tabs on your significant other the entire day the way Bangladeshi parents keep tabs on their daughters. You don't believe they were out with friends all day?

Wrong way to deal with it: If you're having trouble believing in something so simple, then there is something severely wrong with the relationship itself and you guys should openly talk about it. 

Right way to deal with it: Keep all their friends' contact numbers with you so that you can call them at different times of the day to make sure they is where they claim to be. 

You don't believe they were talking to someone else when you called at 2 AM and found the phone busy?

Wrong way to deal with it: Talk about what actually causes these suspicions and get to the root of the problem. 

Right way to deal with it: Tell them that if you ever find their phone busy again when you call, you will break up with them. Also, "forbid" them to talk to anyone at night (except you of course). 

Next, regularly check their phone, but without their knowledge. If your partner's phone is password protected I suggest taking them to a restaurant that is under surveillance then acquiring the surveillance tape later to learn their password. It is highly advised to go through every chat and read every single message to learn about their deepest, darkest secret. How dare they have privacy? 

But, if all this paranoia is just too much for you, the healthy way to deal with it is to master the art of passive aggressiveness. So, what you do is you take out your phone and block their number. Then go to all your social media sites and block them everywhere. Now open Google Maps and mark with red all the places that you might run into them and keep a 100 metre distance from all these places. The key is to pretend they never existed. There's no way they can cheat on you if they never existed in the first place. 

If you have any doubts as to whether these methods work or not, let me assure you that all of them have been tested time and again by me (a 19-year old, with no qualifications whatsoever). 

Tasnim Odrika is having an existential crisis at the moment and doesn't really know who she is anymore. Send her compliments at odrika_02@yahoo.com