Pssst. Hey, you. I apologise in advance for this sudden rude intrusion but it is of utmost urgency that I bombard your brain this very minute. See, I don't exactly enjoy having to do this, but it has come to my knowledge that you seemed oddly calm about an upcoming crucial project at work, which is why I was immediately dispatched to ground you back to reality. Shall I proceed with orchestrating my usual routine of Self-Sabotage™, then? You know, the one where I infiltrate your mind and shatter your Self-Esteem to tiny little pieces? But fret not, I take pride in my work. Your suffering is 100 percent guaranteed.

To the Rescue

Wow, okay. This is not looking good. Your brain is in absolute shambles and in dire need of some serious damage control. For starters, I cannot bear to witness these harmful bouts of Over-Inflated Confidence that you are currently experiencing, so I will straight away redirect your thoughts to the All-My-Failures-Listed-In-Ascending-Order Compartment. I promise you these undesirable feelings should begin to subside in no time. Good heavens, it also looks like you're severely deficient in Feelings of Inadequacy as well. Quick! Drop everything, go stand in front of your mirror, strike a power pose, and repeat after me, "I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH" three times before things go up in flames inside here.

I'll Do Whatever It Takes

Phew, that was close. You should be grateful I was there in the nick of time.

Anyway, now that I have taken care of the more pressing issues, there are some other things I ought to address while I'm here. Much to my dismay, it appears that you have returned to giving yourself Positive Affirmations once again. Sure, I understand that there is a sense of comfort in tricking yourself into believing that you landed this project due to your hard work, but don't you think it may be time to face the truth? There has clearly been a colossal mistake. Fine, I will say it myself. Everything that you achieved so far (which isn't much, to begin with) only happened as a series of mere flukes. I repeat, mere flukes.

What's that? Oh, you're shamelessly gorging on the lies of your friends, family members, and even your boss now? Do you have any idea how frustrating it is for me to watch this? I spend my precious time giving you invaluable lessons on Deflecting Praises and Dismissing Accomplishments but evidently, all my efforts go in vain. Listen, I know you think they care about you, but ask yourself, do they know you like I do?

To make matters worse, these same people will have you believe that I (the ever-faithful voice inside your head) am the outcome of perhaps some childhood trauma, or the patriarchy that constantly gaslights women, but I feel compelled to tell you… that is a load of nonsense. I am purely the outcome of your own overwhelming mediocrity. That is the plain and simple fact.

Won't You Embrace Me Already?

Look, I have religiously guided you through every important step in your life, I have carefully safeguarded your dirty little secret of being a pseudo-competent phony, all I ask from you now is that you do not make my job any more difficult. We have danced this self-destructive Macarena for years now. I have my own life too, and I would much rather do something else than work tirelessly to protect you from the perils of Positive Thinking and Self-Actualisation. So please, help me help you and we can finally crush your spirit together.

Or else one of these days, (God forbid) you might actually end up doing something worthwhile.

Nafisa is currently preoccupied with sabotaging her own life. You may kindly leave her a message at sara.chow26@gmail.com