On a humid summer day, I had pretty much the worst breakdown of my life, that too at the bank. The teller gave me a look of utter nonchalance. Some puzzled onlookers muttered a comment or two. It was early April, just before I was to submit my visa application; I was already late. The ultra-slow, never-ending processes of the bank, the police station or the notary public were not helping at all.

Studying abroad is often seen as a means to ensure a rosy, idyllic little future — something that will magically take away all the stresses of life. Keeping up with all the preliminaries can weigh heavily on the applicant. It is easy to neglect our mental wellbeing with so much to do, so much going on. However, I will not be the one to say that this could have been prevented. The system has been designed as such, after all, that only the ones that can face the stress head on might prevail.

Abbreviations

Those aiming for grad studies start their preparations from their third year of university, while the ones going for undergrad start as early as Class 10. It takes a while to understand the buzz words; Common App, ECA, plus the various abbreviated standardised tests like SAT and TOEFL.

Soon after, one might discover themselves at a coaching center that claims to solve every study abroad problem if you just pay them handsomely. People are at least ten steps ahead of us at the coaching center, some kids look like the living embodiment of peer pressure. They cite this bhaiya or that apu's admission advice as if citing scholarly research. A friend who regularly maintains a bullet journal swears by the method to "keep track of what's what and when's what". For grad school, there is the dreaded GRE, which I never sat for out of fear of math. The friends I made during GRE coaching however, stayed.

TMI

When I finally settled down to apply for grad school and chalk out what to do, I realised something quite bizarre. There is a plethora of information available online, granted, but there is such a thing as an information overload.

For me, the primary source of anxiety was the sheer volume of info available on Facebook-based higher study groups. When I posted my very first, naïve and rudimentary question on the feed, a kind admin directed me to the group's files section. This is usually an extensive, exhaustive resource for anybody wanting to go abroad and realise their dreams.

However, not many on these groups want to undertake this labour. Many happen to be reluctant to check university rankings or their chosen university's websites. Hence, panicky questions like, "When is the deadline for X University's Computer Science program?" or outright, "What university is best for BBA?" Oftentimes, wrong information on these group posts do raise quite an outcry. Just before the application deadlines, I muted a few of these groups for self-preservation.

Choose, my dear

Elle Evans from The Kissing Booth truly had it all, with acceptances from both Harvard and Berkeley handed to her on a silver platter. Our financial situation would not allow most of us to even apply to these big-name universities with miniscule acceptance rates. I steadied myself from the get-go, trying my best to focus on universities that would "have" me — the ones from which professors replied warmly, the ones that funded well, fared well but not too well.

The usual advice is to make it a mixed bag — pick two big-name universities, two mid-range and two "safe" or comparatively lower rank universities to apply to. If each university charges USD 80 on an average, the expense for application alone becomes USD 480. From this point on, before we even realise it, our choices become based on our money situation. The life of the international student is spent in working for some extra money and chasing items on sale, looking at fliers and getting that student discount on groceries, prepping meals with a limited budget and still eating healthy, combing thrift stores to find a warm winter coat, trudging through the snow, finding a job, any job. From this point on, we are always going to be thinking about money.

Papers

Breaking down in tears in front of some bored looking tellers is quite unlike me, usually, but the stress had been mounting for the last few months. The universities had made their decisions, I had completed the first step of the study abroad process — getting the letter of acceptance. The visa though, was a completely different matter. One needs at least twice as many documents to apply for it, and naturally, undertake twice as much stress.

I was at the bank to get proof of the fact that as a family, we are doing financially well enough to bear my expenses abroad in case my university funding stops for some reason. I had been collecting documents, going to this office and getting that signature, all the while juggling studies and work. At the bank, the long lines would not let up, the people would not stop pushing, the fan would not work, and the bodies would not stop sweating. It was just too much; I had started crying.

Packing

My world had to fit in two suitcases. I took just the essential clothes, maybe two sharis, some shoes and some stationery. Most of my hobbies, most of my collectibles, most of the things I love had to stay behind. After all, where does one fit their favourite conversations at their favourite coffee shops? Where does your cat fit? What about your favourite dish that only a loved one makes best?

The days of packing were spent in perpetual dread. I would pack a whole suitcase and weigh it painstakingly on our rickety measuring scale — it would almost always be a few kilos overweight. I would then dismantle the whole arrangement, open the bag and take a few things out. Later in the day, I would sit down and wonder, how easy it is to just get rid of things I had only moments ago considered essential! Shed some of that baggage if necessary, it is for the best.

Now that I am finally at my dream destination, a new set of problems breathe down my neck. There are more deadlines now, more studies, more chores. The dishes never do themselves, the fridge is hardly ever full. Life goes on, and making it here is only just the beginning.   

Qazi Mustabeen Noor (she/they) is a PhD student at Queen's University, Canada.