The shoe garland maker’s manual

With the climate as it is nowadays, means of meting out justice is few and far between.

We have all lost faith in law enforcement nowadays, because now they take people into custody and "interrogate" them. What does that even mean?

Anyway, like always, it is up to us, the people, to mete out justice and swiftly. None of this namby pamby stuff about due process or torture in custody, away from the eyes of the world.

That is why we, at Rokto Gorom Jubok, have put together a simple, easy-to-follow guide on making the traditional garland of shoes.

FIRST, ITS BENEFITS

Derived from the garland brides and grooms put around each others' necks to mark their holy union, the garland of shoes is, in many ways, a mark of respect. The person who has to wear it will be married to humiliation and vow never again to do whatever he or she did to warrant the garland.

It is non-violent. At least the act of putting it on is not a violent one. If the recipient resists, then one can use some forms of creative coercion, but that is neither encouraged nor discouraged.

Lastly, it is a community and communal activity. Anyone can join in. That creates fellow feeling among perpetr… ahem… participants.

NOW, THE HOW

Everyone must wear shoes. On this matter there can be no debate. We further recommend that sandals are best suited for the job as it is easier to thread a connecting wire/cloth/lace through to make a magnificent footwear necklace.

Most people are encouraged to carry smartphones in order to be able to monitor Facebook statuses, comments and likes. Smartphones are also helpful in gathering a crowd to do the deed, because none of us are carrying multiple shoes. Which leads us to…

A shoe garland party must be of at least four people, otherwise the garland doesn't look pretty as the footwear is not spaced out sufficiently.

If one of the party is wearing a belt, that is perfect, because the neyar that holds up one of the others' pyjamas will come in handy when tying the shoes together. But we also need the neyar volunteer to be able to hold his pyjama up, and that's where the belt comes in. Pro tip: think ahead.

Once the attac … ahem … ceremony is complete, the participants will suddenly find themselves without shoes. That is when the value of planning ahead is illustrated. Always conduct the ceremony near a mosque during prayer times.

One final pro trip. To save time and effort, drag around the newly garlanded with you while you are checking FB for more statuses. If you find a new targe… ahem… recipient, just take the garland off the old and put it around the neck of the new. If you need new thread, check to see if the old recipient, who is by now wholly compliant, is wearing a pyjama. If so, you are in luck.