Chairs Anonymous pledges to ‘bring back the original utility of chairs’

Some of them screeched as they moved, while others rolled in strides thinking everybody was totally jealous of them (they were) – the annual Chairs Anonymous, a chair-only two-day convention commenced in the capital yesterday.  

The convention was held at a city hotel where different kinds of chairs from the country, varying in size, shape, colour, material, prices, and of course disabilities gathered to discuss chair-related agendas.

"All right, all right, all right settle down now, settle down now," said the chair of the event, Mr Foamed Rolling Executive Chair (goes by Rolly to his friends). A roar of chaos greeted the room as the chairs took their seats.

"Every year," sighed the executive chair at the other panelists sitting at the table. Frankly, if it were up to them, they'd remove wooden chair options off the earth.

The room was separated based on each chair's material into three categories, wood-based, cushion-based, plastic, and hybrids. Sticking to tradition, the wooden chairs went first.

"Respected dignitaries, I wish to raise an issue that I believe has affected all of us unanimously and I believe it is finally time we raised our voices … against the harassment of clothing," said head wooden chair of Wooden Chairs Anonymous. All of the other chairs started to move in approval.

"For years, we have suffered an existential dilemma, it must come to an end now. I am from Segun bark ancestry. I was made by the finest craftsmen in the country and three generations of humans, varying in age sat on me. I have seen through the transition of time how much things have changed. Now, I am just a corner chair, and all I have are huge piles of clothes on me," he said, whimpering, "I hope the fleas take me out soon."

"I don't even know who I am anymore," said the head of cushion-based chairs.

"I thought I was built because humans would be comfortable enough to work on me and forget distractions. Now all I see are they're on their beds, with their foldable tables and I'm just staring at my human with all those clothes on me thinking 'what are you doing?!' I honestly think we need to put more funding into the 'Chair-translator-nator' project immediately," she said.

Meanwhile, head of the plastics, said, "Um, yeah, this truly sucks and we need to do something about this." While the comment seemed insufficient, no one really expected input from them anyway.

The hybrids chose not to comment on the matter since they're the only ones unaffected by the issue.