Girls’ football jerseys leave several injured, doctors helpless

The days of getting injured by just deadly weapons or human assault are past as Bangladesh witnessed its first ever case of people sustaining serious injuries from the shorts worn by female footballers. Doctors said these injuries were incurable.

Recently, there have been numerous cases of innocent bystanders just collapsing without warning while walking past fields where girls were playing the beautiful game.

"My grandfather was in Japan when World War II broke out. He even survived America's detonation of atomic bombs. But he couldn't save himself from the horrendous hurt caused by these girls' shorts," a man named Natimar said. 

"Now he is struggling in hospital, and sometimes stops breathing whenever he remembers that sight of girls playing football wearing football uniforms," he continued.

"We cure physical injuries, but this is a sickness of the mind. These people are not just ill, they are sick. There need to be medical conferences about this."

"I wonder why these girls don't play football wearing longer outfits, preferably sarees or kameezes. Anyways, I don't know why girls even need to play football, leaving kitchen chores undone," Heartkiller Habu, another injured person, said while buying painkillers from a local pharmacy.

Severely injured persons were admitted to local hospital for their speedy recovery, but doctors said their injuries were incurable as they took the hurt to heart, and there was no sign of physical fracture.

A doctor said, "We cure physical injuries, but this is a sickness of the mind. These people are not just ill, they are sick. There need to be medical conferences about this."

Another doctor surmised that the jerseys may actually be radioactive, and are dangerous when encountered in person. "The girls' outfits never create a problem when seen through the television screen, as we know from people loving to watch them winning football matches."

There is speculation that radiation from the outfits is more dangerous than that from Oppenheimer's atom bomb. As the news went viral, Kim Jong Un advised Vladimir Putin to use girls' outfits instead of nukes if he really wanted to win the Ukraine war.

The girls, on the contrary, have been wondering why people were just falling flat as soon as they saw them playing football.

"I was totally clueless about why there were no spectators. Later, I heard that the spectators actually came, but as soon as they saw us playing football wearing shorts, they just couldn't bear this unbearable shock and became senseless. I think our dresses emit deadly radiation," one of the girls said.

Experts say the victims may have been senseless to begin with, but we have not been able to independently verify that claim.

"Now you know the reason why we are bad at all the global indexes -- girls and their outfits!" Tiktokstar Tuku, a Hatirjheel-based TikToker, thus released his pent-up anger.