‘My husband isn’t husbanding right’

I had an arranged marriage. My parents picked out the best suitor for me and I trusted them.

But I was betrayed.

This man, Shunno, has been on my case since I married him. He pays me too much attention.

For example, when I am in any trouble, he asks me how he can help. Growing up, I have seen husbands leave their wives to deal with their own problems and if the problem could not be solved, the men blamed their wives for not being able to handle it well enough. My husband does not do that, he tries to help me. What's wrong with him?

Most husbands I know stay late at work. They have many reasons – the boss burdened them, new work came along, meeting with important clients. I used to hear these when I was a child and always dreamed that such a "busy man" would be a part of my life.

But this imbecile, he leaves his office early to come spend time with me. Should I be suspicious of his behaviour? Perhaps he is not working as hard as he should. 

Not only does he show up early, while other husbands expect a warm, home-cooked meal as soon as they come home, this strange man waltzes into the kitchen while I'm cooking, hugs me from behind (may God have mercy on me) and tells me to get dressed so he can take me out to eat! How DARE he expect that I would not slave after him? Did he not grow up in this society?

Moreover, sometimes, he puts his head on my lap. Even in front of his parents! Who asked him for romance? Because I sure as hell did not. Does he think I'm as shameless as him that I will actually condone this showing of love and affection?

My husband is just not husbanding right and I'm thinking about whether this calls for an intervention, separation or even divorce. I cannot put up with his care and love and all this nonsense.

I don't know how his parents raised him but mine raised me to succumb to the age-old societal pressure and traditions that we grew up with. Breaking barriers and what not are a total waste of time, if you ask me.

A marriage is supposed to be like jail, remember? What's wrong with this generation of men!

(This satire was based on a real-life Facebook post. I'm really not kidding. I wish I was.)