Bangladesh's T20 World Cup: Disappointment guaranteed

Another ICC event is on the horizon, and another horrific month of cricket awaits Bangladeshi fans. The preparation for this year's ICC T20 world cup in the USA and West Indies has featured two series against the mighty Zimbabwe and the USA, and if recent performances are anything to go by, Bangladesh are set to amaze fans once again by how low a test-playing nation can stoop at the world stage.

To prepare fans for the worst, here are four of the most likely outcomes, ranked from least likely to most, for Bangladesh in this year's world cup. We don't offer false hope here, only ruthless truths.

Scenario 1: Bangladesh wins three games, wins hearts, still doesn't qualify for the super eight

Bangladesh are scheduled to play four games in this year's world cup, and the only way Bangladesh can qualify from the group that also features South Africa, Sri Lanka, Nepal, and the Netherlands is if the ghost of Shane Warne magically possesses Rishad Hossain's body, or if Viv Richards changes his name to Litton Das and starts opening the batting for Bangladesh. Still, with Bangladesh's current team, beating Nepal and the Netherlands is more possible than not, and sneaking a win against Sri Lanka may also be possible if the Lankans lose their composure with the memory of Mushfiqur Rahim's infamous naagin dance in 2018 haunting their dreams.

In this scenario, however, the shame of losing to Bangladesh will propel Sri Lanka to pull off an upset against South Africa, who will win against Bangladesh by 250 runs no matter what (we have tried to calculate the probability of this not happening but our mathematicians say that such a small number is yet to be discovered). With Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, and South Africa having three wins each, it will come down to net run rate, which is where Bangladesh will fail because the match against Nepal will feature a nail biting ending which Bangladesh will barely win due to heroics from Mahmudullah Riyad (it will be his only fruitful contribution in the tournament). Bangladesh will crash out of the world cup, fans will be sad, but hearts will be won because we only lost by net run rate.

Scenario 2: Bangladesh wins only against Nepal and the Netherlands, Shanto says the other matches were played on "unsporting pitches"

The world cup will start for Bangladesh with matches against Sri Lanka and South Africa, and in this scenario, Bangladesh lose both matches by humiliating margins. Our batsmen will score a respectable 157 for 8 no matter what the second innings target is or what the pitch offers in the first innings, and of course, they will lose. Shanto will complain that the pitches were bad. In the last two games against the Netherlands and Nepal, Bangladesh will win big. Tanzid Tamim might score a century, Soumya Sarker will put on a display of all-round brilliance, and Tanvir Islam, Bangladesh's newest spin bowling maestro, will take 6 wickets for 10 runs against the Netherlands.

The team will say that they are "happy to end the world cup on a winning note", and get angry when no mobs of excited fans wait for them at the airport.

Scenario 3: Bangladesh wins only one game against Nepal, the Netherlands make a strong case of replacing Bangladesh as the newest ICC permanent member

Following their win against the "Tigers" in the 50-over world cup, the Netherlands in this scenario will win against Bangladesh once more. This time, the opening pair of Max O'Dowd and Vikramjit Singh will take Mustafizur Rahman and co. to the cleaners, scoring a mammoth 245. Fearing the cool, calm, and collected captaincy of Scott Edwards, Bangladesh will suddenly remember that they are a test-playing nation, and try to play the match out for a draw. But alas, T20s don't allow draws, and after a respectable score of 157 for 8 in the second innings, Bangladesh will lose.

In the post match presentation, Sanjay Manjrekar will ask Scott Edwards if it's time for the Netherlands to bid for test status, and he will only smile and say, "That is for the ICC to decide, but we have proven ourselves on the field." When Shanto is asked if Bangladesh deserve their ICC permanent membership anymore, he will say, "The pitch was not up to the mark."

Scenario 4: Bangladesh lose all matches, players decide to take indefinite vacation at Shakib Al Hasan's US residence, Shakib creates controversy again by throwing them out

In this scenario, which is the most likely, Bangladesh will lose every game. If they can lose to the USA in a series opener, there is no reason to believe they will win a world cup game against even Nepal. Following this humiliating loss, where players like Rohit Paudel and Abinash Bohara will announce themselves on the world stage with centuries and five wicket hauls, the Bangladesh team will suddenly go missing. The Bangladeshi media contingent in the USA will spend the rest of the world cup doubling as investigative journalists, searching all 50 states of the USA to find some trace of our golden boys, when a Facebook post made by Shakib Al Hasan's PR agency will reveal that the boys have been staying with him the entire time. In the pictures, the players will all look happy, while Shakib and his family will look visibly annoyed at the length of their unwelcome stay.

The media may start reporting that the only reason the players are taking this break is because they are scared about the mob waiting to attack them if they come back to Bangladesh. But in Bangladesh, fans will only sigh and move on with their day-to-day lives, because the love of cricket and their passion will have finally left them for good.