iPhone 16 users claim biggest feature is a scam

The iPhone 16 series launched a couple of weeks ago, coinciding with a sudden rise in online ads by people selling human kidneys.  We have a separate report investigating whether these ads involve personal kidneys or just overly attached friends, but unlike kidneys, the iPhone 16 enjoys a much stronger demand. The phone does things your kidney cannot. It comes with new features like an extra button that has people raving like a child who has discovered the 240 volt power outlet socket hidden behind the bookshelf. Other innovative features also include a screen and email capabilities.

When the iPhone 16 launched in our neighboring country India, the excitement hit a fever pitch, with people making headlines for waiting over 20 hours in line just to snag the latest piece of tech wizardry. Flexay Tumar, an overly enthusiastic fan, was no exception. "There was no way I was going to be the 24th person in my community to have the latest device," he said with the kind of conviction usually reserved for life-altering events, like circumcisions.

Spotted squatting outside the iStore, Flexay appeared more prepared for a marathon than a tech launch. Armed with snacks, portable chargers, and what might have been an entire camping kit, he'd clearly accepted his fate.

"You can't just be 24th. That's social suicide," he quipped, dramatically rolling his eyes as though the iPhone release was the actual Hunger Games.

In Bangladesh, the craze was not much different. "I bought one because my kid is into this stuff. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother," said Shahin Ahmed Borlox with a sigh.

He explained that his daughter is a tech enthusiast, eager to be the first among her friends to get her hands on Apple's latest release.

When asked what she does for a living, Ahmed Borlox casually replied, "Oh, she's in kindergarten."

Despite all that initial excitement, many new iPhone 16 owners feel cheated. The biggest feature, the real reason people buy the device after selling their grandparents' property, is for social acceptance. The iPhone 16 would finally make them more charming, more desirable, more aesthetic at dinner parties. "I thought the new AI-enhanced Siri would help me flirt better," one disgruntled customer lamented, "but instead she just reminds me about meetings I already missed. What kind of life coach is this?"

"I switched from my Samsung to an iPhone because I knew it would make me prettier," said Lamisa Claymida, a student at Worksout University. "I even changed my boyfriend because he could not buy me a new iPhone. What's worse, he actually likes Android. I could not stay with someone who has a poor-person mindset."

Yet, the new iPhone is not living up to the promise it did not make. It is not making people cooler, richer, more attractive by association. Ahmed Bari, a mid-ranking BBA graduate turned high-end cigarette redistribution expert (salesman) complained how the new device is still not making him more employable.

While Apple has carefully rearranged the lenses so that the stars align perfectly on March 26, 2025 for prosperity, Bari does not feel it has helped him stand out. "When we have meetings at office, we all place our phones face down on the desk to appear important. But no one can tell which phone is the newer one. So now we just buy from the most expensive store in Bangladesh and display the receipt."

The camera, boasting more megapixels than anyone will ever need, is supposed to be the holy grail for effortlessly cool photos. However, no amount of HD can save users from the realities of bad lighting, awkward smiles, or the existential crisis that creeps in every time they see their reflection. Instagram models everywhere are weeping -- digitally enhanced, of course.

Sigma Chowdhury of the illustrious Chowdhury clan declared, "I bought only four this year. My family has to maintain its image in society -- though not too much, especially with all this hunt for money launderers after August 5."

When asked if the iPhone has truly made him cooler, he replied, "We're all the same, but not really. I bought mine from a Dubai store. I wanted the latest device to elevate me above the common folk. Maybe the iPhone 17 will finally keep it out of their reach -- if they just crank up the price a bit more, of course!"