The "Me" factor

Consider the following situation: You meet someone at a social event and within seconds you are subjected to a monologue about her posh home, luxury car, high performing kids and a doting husband. There isn't even a veiled attempt to inquire about your wellbeing - the stream of self-centric conversation just flows on and on. You may not always have the option of walking away without coming across as rude. So what do you do?

Whenever I am on the receiving end of one of these boastful chatters, I tune-out and let my imagination wander off. I am reminded of the Greek myth of Narcissus who fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. There are two versions of the story, but they essentially have the same ending - when Narcissus realised that the image was his own, he lost his will to live. He kept staring at his reflection until he died. The term "narcissism" is now used to mean "the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one's own attributes."

A social encounter with a narcissistic personality can be emotionally draining. These people are not only self-absorbed, but they love giving theatrical performances that demand your attention. The one thing they all have in common is an utter lack of empathy. They live in a cocoon believing that the world revolves around them.

The ancient Greek myth about Narcissus tells us that this is not a new phenomenon. However, some experts are of the opinion that narcissism has now reached the proportions of an epidemic. This is not surprising given the several avenues for self-propagation that the social media has opened up. While the syndrome may be more endemic among the young even the older generation is afflicted by the malaise. They are fast catching up with their selfies, exaggerated descriptions of exotic vacations and embellished accounts of mundane accomplishments posted on Facebook, Instagram and other sites. 

Faced with the challenges of inflated egos and unbridled boasting, therapists and self-help gurus are raising red flags about the dangers of a less humane world. But how can we arrest this phenomenon when many of our leaders are practicing and promoting narcissistic behaviour? One cannot deny that Donald Trump's haughty expression, braggadocio and narcissistic comments continue to impress more than 40 percent of the American electorate. I am not insinuating that all of Trump's followers are narcissistic. But there has been a noticeable increase in traits such as materialism, low empathy, egocentric self-view and selfish disregard for others among the general population. It appears that the future lies in the hands of people who can shout the loudest, brag in the most shameful ways and have very little compassion for the less fortunate and those who choose to maintain a semblance of modesty.

As an antidote to this epidemic, many may remind us of the myth of Narcissus and the dangers of living a life where all that counts is "me". I would, however, like to cite a different story from a different age - Rabindranath Tagore's The Skeleton (1926) about a young widow who dies and her skeleton is then donated to a school for anatomy lessons. The protagonist, who appears as a supernatural being, narrates her sad tale. Widowed as a child, she returned to her father's home where she matured into a beautiful young woman, desired and coveted by men. Realising the power of her beauty, she became vain, but was increasingly frustrated by her widowhood that denied her the privilege of accepting a man's love in a conservative Hindu society. When a male doctor rented part of their house, she began to enjoy his adulation, often using seductive wiles to attract his attention. She was upset to learn about the doctor's impending marriage. On the night of his wedding, she stole some poison from his office and added it to his drink. She then wore her bridal attire and took a dose of the poison, hoping that people would admire the attractive smile on her lifeless face and grieve the death of the beautiful woman they had ignored in her lifetime. The story tragically ends with her lament: "But where is the wedding chamber?.... Where is the bridal costume and the smile? I woke up to a hollow rattling sound inside me and noticed three young students using my skeleton to study human anatomy… And there was no sign of that last smile on my lips".

Morbid as it may sound, isn't this the fate that all of us must suffer? No matter how beautiful your smile is and how much admiration it evokes, ultimately it is "dust into dust ...sans song, sans singer and sans end"…. But, alas, myths and stories only give us fleeting moments of introspection - we seldom learn lessons from them. The "high" that self-admiration yields for most individuals far outstrips these reflective moments. And, we humans fall into the same trap over and over again! 

The writer is a renowned Rabindra Sangeet exponent and a former employee of the World Bank.