Lapbottom

Photo: Naveed Mahbub

I won't say Bangladesh is backwards, I would say that some airlines/countries are backwards for still not letting passengers departing from Dhaka to check-in online. So, I stand in line for a regular check-in, expecting nothing better than being confined to a middle seat. But it's the least of my concerns this time around as I notice the confusion among the ground staff on whether to allow me to carry my laptop into the cabin as opposed to checking it in. I'm sure there was a similar mass confusion among immigration officials at US airports right after Donald Trump's Travel Ban 1.0. 

"Yes, your laptop has to be checked-in."

"But I'm going to London, NOT the US."

"Yes, you still have to."

Then another colleague of his says: "Wait, you're going to London? That WILL take place soon."

"Ok, so I don't have to check my laptop in now, right?"

"You can, if you want to."

"No, I DON'T want to."

So, for now, my inseparable laptop accompanies me to the cabin. 

But it's a given that whatever the US does, UK follows. The only exception is Brexit, where the US follows the UK with its own version of Brexit – Brain Exit from the Oval Office.

First it's water, then it's liquid gels, now laptops. What next? "Infants cannot be carried into the cabin and must be checked in"? Or eventually "Passengers must check themselves in as check-in luggage", which is fine – I can then work on my laptop in the cargo hold. I'll surely take some kachchi biriyani with me in there. 

With the ban on the laptop as a carry-on item on flights to the US operated by Middle Eastern carriers and originating from the Middle East, one such carrier has come up with a marketing campaign: "Who needs a laptop when you have our in-flight entertainment?" True, but for us workaholics who get all their work done on a plane, there should perhaps be a campaign: "Who needs a laptop, when you have the back seat for graffiti?"

Maybe now passengers will be forced to fly US carriers where the laptop is a necessary means of maintaining sanity from being fed peanuts and pretzels by pre-historic flight attendants. 

So, the final checklist before boarding your flight for the US – passport, visa, dollar, laptop hard drive off and Facebook post: "#MakeAmericaGreatAgain". Speaking of which, I have a feeling that President Donald Trump believes that laptops are Muslims. "Believe me, laptops are bad hombres!" And then poor Sean Spicer is in the hot seat – after all, his job is to EXPLAIN Donald Trump!

Biman, capitalise on it! "Fly directly to London, do not pass [through] the Middle East, do not collect a baggage tag for your laptop."

Well, if it keeps the skies safe, I am fine with my laptop becoming my lapbottom – being relegated to the cargo hold in the bottom. I will then resort to finishing a novel on a long haul flight or actually try to sleep, as in the good old days of aviation. But the big question remains, how do you stop a lone wolf from driving into a crowd of innocent people before stabbing a cop to death? And even more alarming – as I arrive in London less than 24 hours after the Westminster tragedy, the Immigration official asks me just 2 questions while pointing to my arrival card:

"Is this the address of your hotel?"

"No, it's my friend's place."

"What's his nationality?"

"He is a British citizen."

"Welcome to the UK."

And I thought the maniac at Westminster was also a British citizen…

From the airport, I go straight to my comedy show where there is a mainstream British audience, ready to de-stress after a tragedy. And they laugh like they had never laughed before. Ah, now this service notice makes sense: "All terrorists are politely reminded that THIS IS LONDON and whatever you do to us, we will drink tea and jolly well carry on. Thank you."

And jolly well they ARE continuing BAU – Business As Usual.

London – stay strong, stay safe, stay resilient… 

The writer is an engineer at Ford & Qualcomm USA and CEO of IBM & Nokia Siemens Networks Bangladesh turned comedian (by choice), the host of ATN Bangla's The Naveed Mahbub Show and ABC Radio's Good Morning Bangladesh, the founder of Naveed's Comedy Club. 

E-mail: naveed@naveedmahbub.com