Employer refuses to give workers raises because they will get mugged if they have money

A car company has stunned industry insiders with a revolutionary new approach that improves workers' quality of life and reduces the pressure on company coffers all at once. By refusing to give employees their scheduled raises and keeping them dangerously close to the edge of poverty, Stellar Motors  -- Dhaka's largest automobile importer -- is confident it can reduce the risk of employees being robbed in the streets and losing the little wealth they might still possess.

The company's managing director, Kingkripon Chowdhury, says the idea came to him in a dream.

"We had been dilly-dallying, trying to come up with a believable excuse about why we would not be giving anyone a raise after a tough but successful year. The country has seen high inflation, but there was no way to hide the fact that sales have met targets and revenue has been as expected. Yet, to make sure none of the profits are wasted on employee salaries, we had to find a way to refuse any sort of acceptable raises for the workers," he said, adding context.

"But last week, suddenly, I realised that only rich people, or people who look like they might be rich, get mugged. It's one of the worst things about society, a real hate crime against a specific social class. As the company's leadership, we suffer from this regularly. For example, I have not been able to ride public transportation in over a decade because of the risk of hijackers. As responsible leaders, we decided we wouldn't let the same thing happen to our beloved employees, who are like family to us."

Earlier this week, Stellar Motors employees received an email from management, explaining to them the details of their newest company benefits:

"Dear colleagues,

 In these difficult times, our company has stuck to its guns and come out on top at the end of another year. We could not have done this without the tremendous hard work of each and every one of you. Even though the only way we can reward you for this achievement is monetarily, Stellar Motors understands that in these troubled times, money can be a bad thing. No one wants a target painted on their back, and as the largest importer of automobiles, we have a responsibility to look out for you. Hence, the company has decided to withhold your raises, increments, and promotions this year. To survive the risks out on the street, there is no better way than to remain poor. And as a responsible employer, we will make sure of that.

 Best regards,

 Management"

Employees have shown mixed reactions to this decision. While many have expressed disappointment, a few of the delusional among the ranks are hopeful.

"This is a good thing. If they hold onto our money and give us the raise next year, or whenever it's safe to do so, that only means our money is in safe hands," said Bhondo Shikari, Assistant Sales Executive.

"Sure, I won't be able to buy my kids new clothes this Eid, but at least Stellar Motors is in good health."