Man loses fingerprint after slapping cows’ rear ends

With Eid just around the corner, the number of slaps on cows' backs has surged by leaps and bounds, keeping pace with the price of the sacrificial animal. 

The slap has always been a popular way of surprising not only the cow, but also its owner. But the popularity of this act is on the wane as a man, named Tausif from Basabo, recently discovered that he lost his thumb impression and was on the verge of losing every finger impression one by one.

He bemoaned that the only reason for this was the slap he applied on thousands of cows' backs during the last Eid-ul-Azha.

"I didn't expect those cows to slap me back spiritually. See, the impressions of my fingers are gone and now I cannot do anything that requires fingerprint identification."

Before Tausif's plight came to light, some local and international scientists searched for the answer to why people smack cows during Qurbani Eid. They initially hypothesised that potential buyers slapping cows' rear ends indiscriminately would drive the price down.

But this theory was nipped in the bud when they found that a group of prominent slappers bought some cows at twice the price. A few other hypotheses met the same fate. Finding no other acceptable explanation for this behaviour, scientists concluded that people probably just wanted to surprise the cow and let their sellers know that they have arrived.

He bemoaned that the only reason for this was the slap he applied on thousands of cows' backs during the last Eid. "I didn't expect those cows to slap me back spiritually. See, the impressions of my fingers are gone and now I cannot do anything that requires fingerprint identification."

After Tausif came out with his fingerprint issue, many others came forward with the same problem.

"I couldn't replace my SIM card as my fingerprint didn't match," Shams, an infamous local slapper, said with frustration.

"I tried to caste vote in one of our very local elections, but my fingerprint failed to pull up my information," said Zubair, another local slapping talent.

"I lost my fingerprints years ago and I believe I instead gained hoofprints," Showbeek, a boy known for being kicked out of a cattle market by cows, said while repeatedly saying "ami ki korsi".

Career slappers suddenly lost their interest in slapping cows. This Satireday correspondent observed in Gabtoli Gorur Haat that, thousands gathered to buy the sacrificial animals, but unlike during previous years no one dared to land a single slap. The correspondent could recognise a slapping talent who slapped at least a thousand times the previous year.

When asked why this genius didn't yet show his talent, he said, "I will have to collect my passport after Eid. If I lose my fingerprints slapping cows' backs now, who will go to Canada and what will happen to my IELTS score, which is on the verge of losing its validity?"