Palesreal the only solution, says privileged American

The current crisis in the middle east has a simple solution: Palesrael.

This is the radical proposal being put forward by Phil Bob, an expert on the Middle East and a professor at the American University of America in Dholaikhal.

"Look, this proposal writes itself. Palesrael, pronounced Pals is real, is a pretty straightforward idea that has been staring at us in the face all this time," he said in a conversation with Satireday, the only publication which has ever reached out to him.

So what is Palesrael?

"You know the two-state solution? That's really dumb and quite a weird form of the continuation of our very, very secret colonisation project. What I recommend is just putting the two together. The motto: Only pals is real, a land where friendship triumphs all."

But the name change is only the start of Bob's project.

"You know the two-state solution? That's really dumb and quite a weird form of the continuation of our very, very secret colonisation project. What I recommend is just putting the two together. The motto: Only pals is real, a land where friendship triumphs all."

"What are we looking at? Thirty-three percent Europeans who we have successfully settled in the Middle East? And called it their land? LOL. But yeah, we should probably stop that. White Americans, now massively settling in the West Bank, can ease on claiming the Holy Land and stick to the gang signs borrowed from yet another culture," he said.

The halt to by-default naturalisation isn't the only problematic aspect of Bob's proposal.

He also wants restrictions of entry lifted at holy sites. "Look, share and share alike man. It's not like they have oil or anything. So, we can even cut down on that couple-of-billion-dollar funding each year," Bob shared.

Asked how he thought Palestinians -- who have been fighting for their land for decades now -- would feel, Bob said that problem would be solved as well.

"What's in a name? They have their country. They could probably earn money and buy more real estate, but it's not that the poor the world over are very economically-advantaged. It will be the same there."

Bob also said he wasn't comfortable leaving such large swathes of land to a people "radicalised".

"I don't know why people must answer violence with violence. Ghassan Kanafani was completely wrong. A sword and the neck can have conversations. They can also be friends, actually. That's what Palesrael is all about."

Asked why he thought he was any authority on the matter, Bob just laughed and pointed at his skin.

"Free this, free that. I say put a price on it. If you can afford to live in the new state -- where real estate will not be cheap by the way -- then nothing else matters," he concluded.