What happens when parents fight

Life has hardly been straightforward for Rahat Rahman*, the only son of a government officer, studying at a prominent English medium school in Dhaka. Contrary to his typically nonchalant attitude, Rahat is an emotional trainwreck — devastated by regularly witnessing violent arguments and even fighting between his parents. Much of his time is spent trying to defuse quarrels, picking sides, or just sitting helplessly as things unravelled.

"All I ever wanted was to be happy," he says, voice cracking. "I see my friends, so cheerful with their families. Is it so difficult to be thatideal family, full of peace and happiness? I look back on the most trivial of matters and think just what could have been. I am never content with the reality, even when it is positive."

For those who grew up in healthy family environments, growing up is cakewalk. In contrast, those who grew up in high-conflict families, for them, the picture is not so rosy.

The instability instils fear and yearning for the fighting to stop at any cost. The trauma of being faced with domestic violence is echoed in Isfar Alam, a primary school student's experience as well. Isfar confesses, "I was terrified and even though I didn't understand the topic before, the intensity of the fights made me plead for them to end. It has left a big scar within me."

Parents fighting has serious repercussions on a child's life, especially in Bangladesh, where domestic violence is a common phenomenon. A Bangladesh Bureau of Statistics study shows 72 percent of married women face psychological, physical, and economic abuse. To put that in context, children from more than two-thirds of our households go through the trauma of seeing their parents oftentimes violently fight over a myriad of issues.

A 2013 study published in the Psychological Science journal shows that even infants, only 6 months old, can be affected by parents who fight a lot, as they respond to negative tones in conversation. It also states that being constantly exposed to such a stressful environments can cause long-term cognitive damage. Another study, in 2012, shows that kindergarteners who grew up in conflict-ridden households experienced mental disorders and behavioural problems as they became adolescents.

Unfortunately, the plight of these children is something that is almost always ignored. The ordeal they face, and trying to prevent this by any means, has an extensive impact on their innocent minds and more often than not, end up defining their lives. Watching parents quarrel, these children go through radical changes – psychologically, emotionally, and behaviourally.

"Children from disturbed family backgrounds develop a sense of dogma – resulting in great difficulty in thinking and deciding for themselves," says Rumana Akter, clinical psychologist at Inter Services Selection Board (ISSB). "With time, they become low on self-confidence, becoming fearful and resentful about their company, exhibiting more delinquency in their adolescence."

The psychological effects don't stop there. According to Akter, cases of phobias, lopsided daily routines, depression, anxiety, and nightmares are common in these children. They consider themselves to be inferior, and never think of the consequences of their potential actions. "As a result, they feel extreme emotions – guilt, shame, fear, and anger – depending on what they have done. They almost always blame themselves," she adds.

Furthermore, the psychological problems growing up result in these children developing behavioural setbacks causing them to face long-term interpersonal issues. They, sometimes, become arrogant and stop caring about their own good in general, with their tendency towards self-harm pushing them towards bad company and harmful activities.

Akter points out, "These children are more likely to go into substance abuse, criminal activities or committing suicide." Additionally, she reports that they can be impulsive, judgemental, develop habitual lying tendencies and also tend to overreact regarding situations they have no control over.

Rahat's mother confesses having witnessed such changes in her son, saying, "My son even fainted seeing our fights. His personality and behaviour transformed too."

Illustration: RIDWAN NOOR NAFIS

Terrified by seeing his parents violently fight, Isfar Alam* was influenced by his mother and developed resentment for his father. He stopped caring about his studies and spent more time with friends.

"As I later found out, it was a really bad company. They never helped me as they claim to do. Their actions only turned me away from everything good, even my parents," Isfar says.

Growing up witnessing violence in a family environment that is not built on trusting relationships, these children face interpersonal issues as grown-ups. They encounter difficulty in trusting others, and are more likely to abuse their own children physically and mentally, adds Akter.

The problems in intimate relationships become evident in adolescence when teens hit puberty and start experiencing more than a few hiccups in their budding romantic relationships.

A 2001 research reveals that, due to the trust issues instilled in them early on, children from high-conflict families experience commitment issues, abandonment issues and infidelity in their romantic relationships. When they get married, this becomes a bigger problem as often; violent behaviour witnessed early on is repeated.

"I started to develop feelings for a girl from my class. Even though we chatted and talked like normal, it was very tough for me as I don't actually know how to talk to a girl," Rahat comments. "Witnessing my parents fight, a sense of paranoia worked within me. I overdid things. To me, the girl was the light, whose warm, cheerful illumination helped me get over my domestic demons. So, when she stopped talking to me, I blamed everything on myself."

A puppy-love-gone-wrong may look insignificant. The reality, though, couldn't be starker. Witnessing a dysfunctional relationship between parents makes teenagers like Rahat crave perfection, an extreme "ideal" which does not exist. This makes them hesitant about intimate relationships in the end, having far-reaching impacts in their conjugal lives.

Luckily, awareness is building among parents. While talking, we found that even though some parents get carried away by their zealousness, others were fully aware of the impacts of their violence on their children.

Rahat's mother shares, "I try my very best to help him overcome his distress – I give him a lot of time and we talk about my own childhood and his favourite things. Whenever he tries something new, I support and encourage him to the fullest."  

Despite the parents' efforts to help their children overcome the trauma, the best solution is to seek professional help. However, that doesn't mean parents have no role to play – they are the ones to sow the seeds in the long road to recovery.

Psychologist Rumana Akter mentions that family members need to cultivate healthy interpersonal relationships through communication, collaborative activities, and display of affection. Parents should assert their authority, but not become "authoritarian".

"To cope with behavioural malfunction, managing misbehaviour and praising positive behaviour might bring good results. Teaching children how to deal with high-stress situations, navigate negative emotions and develop personal coping statements will also prepare them for familial conflicts if they arise," she suggests.

Despite the damage control, some scars are too deep to heal. This is why parents should think twice, if not a thousand time, before letting their dysfunctional relationship hinder their child's development.

*Names have been changed for privacy

References

1. Journal of Marriage and Family. (March 2004). Parental Divorce and Premarital Couples: Commitment and Other Relationship Characteristics.

2. Psychological Science. (May 2013). What sleeping babies hear: a functional MRI study of interparental conflict and infants' emotion processing.

3. Child Development. (June 2012). Interparental Conflict in Kindergarten and Adolescent Adjustment: Prospective Investigation of Emotional Security as an Explanatory Mechanism.

Inqiad wants his own 'light' to forgive him and show him the light like the good old times. To his light especially, and everyone, find him at inqiadali007@gmail.com

Tazreen is your typical angry liberal arts student who likes to blame it all on capitalism. Send her anger management tips at tazreenzahan@gmail.com