Aries     

The only way you'll be one of the popular kids is to be the kindle wood at a bonfire. Suck it up.

Taurus 

The ghosts of your four fathers will make the dinner with your fiancé's family awkward.

Gemini

A troublesome seal will block your path. Afterwards you will say, "That seal was nothing but trouble."

Cancer

A friend in need… is a poor friend. Or a clingy one. Either way, not something you want. Ditch 'em.

Leo        

There are 63 people who have to fail their upcoming exams before you become king.

Virgo    

You will find faces of Kanye West glued everywhere at your educational institution.

Libra     

You will find faces of Kanye West glued everywhere at your place of work.

Scorpio

Okay, whoever is doing this, this is not funny! I'm a recovering Kanye-holic, be more considerate.

Sagittarius

Your disguise will be perfect. No one will know under all the pizza slathered on your face that you're not Mussolini.

Capricorn

A good week awaits you. You will be able to occupy both arm rests at the movies.

Aquarius

You will wake up to the sound of running water. Your plumber will successfully exact his revenge.

Pisces

You can't dance and everyone knows this. That's why they never ask you to dance.