This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Give me your money for you will only waste it.



TAURUS

Odd numbers are amazing, they are not divisible by two!



GEMINI

Do the good thing, say, "Hello, how are you?" to the king.



CANCER

Posh new places and posh new people, where is my lungi?



LEO

Lev Yashin had huge palms, I eat so much it hurts my gums.



VIRGO

Einstein told me to do what I'm doing now so I'll do it.



LIBRA

Aesthetically pleasing is the sight of you.



SCORPIO

Sudoku is the power that has come to me.



SAGITTARIUS

Evil people have made me do this I'm so sorry.



CAPRICORN

Strontium doped barium titanate has extremely high relative permeability.



AQUARIUS

All the happiness in this world and I have all of it. None for you, loser!



PISCES

Yell at me and I will thank you because you have wisdom.