A cat's guide to table manners

There are nine things on Earth that insist on a total disregard for humans and world domination: us cats. The former comes around quite naturally. We are designed to ignore our humans' calls, scratch them violently for no reason, and excrete in the unlikeliest places. However, world domination is a different matter and requires our attention and effort.

So, what would you say are good tools for world domination? More cats? Accumulation of nukes? Accumulation of nukes by a greater number of cats? No, fellow felines, it is as the title suggests: table manners. While it might seem silly, remember that despite our vastly superior intelligence, infiltrating human quarters and pretending to be cutesy balls of fluff is only half the battle. The other half is getting on their level, and the best place to start is at their meals. Here's a small guide to table manners for felines.

Don't break things. As a fellow cat, I understand the urge to unleash wanton destruction upon all that you despise. It is an inherent trait of ours. But when there's a broken bowl, and soup and smashed wontons on the floor because you pawed it off the table, you'll end up being politely grabbed by the scruff of your neck and thrown into another room.

Don't sniff the food. While we have developed the knowledge and the nostrils to smell out poison in the food, the inferior intellect of humans means that they never sniff their food. A classic example of this is expired leftovers and the resulting diarrhoea. In any case, sniffing your food means revealing that you're smarter, so maintain discretion.

No persistent meowing at the table. Humans prefer to have their meals in peaceful, awkward silence with some small talk to prevent any introspection into regrettable decisions. Examples include: "how was school", "the weather is nice/awful today", "why does the food taste the way it tastes", etc. However, as a cat, you can't really mention any of those or else the conversation would go as:

You: How was school?

Them: Wait, what?

You: Meow?

Remember, discretion. Just listen to their conversations and meow occasionally. Also, don't tell them the food tastes weird because you urinated in it.

No licking. Don't lick the plate, it will be washed. Don't lick your paws either, sacrificing good hygiene is necessary. But most importantly, don't lick the humans. Apparently, some of them lick back. Nasty, right?

These are the finer points of the whole deal, apart from the other small things that need to be taken into consideration, such as: don't sit on the food, don't eat someone else's meal without asking, don't shed fur on the food, and don't lick the seventh planet away from the sun while at the table (because supposedly it's 'not hygienic' and 'disgusting to look at').

If this all seems too difficult to handle, remember the bigger picture, that it's all for the sake of world domination.

Rasheed Khan is a hug monster making good music but terrible puns and jokes where he's probably the only one laughing. Ask him how to pronounce his name at aarcvard@gmail.com