Types of people in a group chat

There are certain things in life that are unavoidable: your mid-life crisis, incessant complaints from your parents on your smartphone usage, and logging into your default messenger app to find out that you've been added to another unwanted and pointless group conversation. Irrespective of what the conversation is about, you'd find yourself amidst a myriad of easily discernible tropes in such threads.

THE SEENZONED

This person is a physical representation of any average emo song that involves lyrics around being ignored. Either because of their awful timing to shove messages related to extracting oil from unicorn horns in the middle of someone else's mental breakdown, or the fact that they tend to ask questions that are not well suited for the particular group thread, the end result is always the same.

THE LINK SPAMMER

Be it a link to a video suggested by Facebook's awful algorithm, or to a fake online news portal that finds running toilet humour to be amusing, this person seems to hold all the power to scavenge the depths of the internet to turn the group thread into a streamlined feed of physically cringeworthy material. The videos make the Friends laugh track look pale in comparison and the parody news portals give away the impression that perhaps, the jokes were a better fit for the yearly school magazine published during your elementary years. The effects are multiplied when there are other people in the group with the same cult followings.

THE STICKER SPAMMER

This kind soul spams stickers. He or she has no other redeeming quality.

THE OPPORTUNIST

This particular person would pop out of nowhere once in every Tool album release when the class teacher comes up with a vague set of instructions for the next assignment. Little knowing that your beloved group thread has been rolling around in the cold corners of filtered messages or the spam folder of the aforementioned person, you seek out to help the wretched soul solely from the kindness of your heart. But just as soon as you're done doing him or her the favour, the person disappears until the next Halley's Comet appearance.

THE SLOPPY ONE

This person accidentally texts an emoji or hits the poorly placed call button and then apologises for it. He or she has no other redeeming quality.

THE ABANDONER

Though you might have a knack for nurturing a healthy community where people are allowed to spam one another with stickers relentlessly with no other human interaction taking place, a lot of folks (most of the people, in fact) might not have the luxury of time to indulge in such frivolous activities. Such people would leave immediately after you had added them, leaving your two-day acquaintance with the person under question while your self-esteem dangles on a balancing rope.

THE BACHELOR/BACHELORETTE

This certain individual would find the most intrusive ways of giving away the notion that they are single. While the others in the group couldn't care less about their non-existent love life, they tend to drag the fact that they are single to every single discussion possible. Has your cat left the material plane to embrace the ethereal existence filled with yarn balls and catnip? Too bad for you, you've got a sympathiser to deal with who would go on about how excruciatingly painful it is for them to live a life without a romantic interest. However, they do seem to showcase stellar stalking skills with ranges that might as well exceed the maps of open world games.

Deeparghya Dutta Barua likes to feel apprehensive whenever there are more than two people around. Help him in finding new ways of butchering his name at deeparghya@rantages.com