The introvert's guide to meeting the parents

Seems unbelievable, right? You, the introvert, have actually taken a spare moment to not indulge in the modern hermit's delights for cats and music, and get out for once. You take a walk in the park and spot a person who takes your breath away. Something inside your brain screams for you to run in the opposite direction. Unfortunately, it seems your skill at deducing direction seems to have thrown itself out the window, for you've walked up to them and said a word that will have you rolling in the depths of self pity with a dash of possible regret: hello. It seems the walk in the park really isn't a walk in the park today.

Wait a second; did they just… smile at you? Laugh at your jokes? Wait, they actually asked you for your social media so that you might stay in contact? You've been talking for a few months now. Yes, this is actually happening; they apparently like you now and you like them quite a bit too. They ask you out (because YOU'RE definitely never going to initiate it), you date for a few months, it's going well and oh God no they just said 'I want you to meet my parents'. Why the heck aren't their parents stigmatising this dating thing like a normal person's parents? If only you had a guide of sorts on how to handle this situation, right?

Don't decline the invitation: Calm yourself down for a bit. Regardless of all the 'important' stuff you have to do like hide under the blankets at the thought of this ordeal, declining the invitation sets up a horrible first impression. It's especially bad if their parents mention that they want to meet this "wonderful person our son/daughter has been telling us about". Reply that it would be "lovely" and "splendid" and that you "just can't wait" to meet them; then, quickly proceed towards crying into a pillow for the next 30 minutes, for you have damned yourself.

Dress right: Even if whatever you have left in your wardrobe can only be dubbed as 'hobo-wear', dress your best. Let's hope you have some cash because you definitely need some new clothes.

Attire depends on the place of invitation. For example, if you're being invited to a fancy restaurant (think overpriced salads), it's a good call to dress formal but not too formal like you're at a wedding; despite the fact that it requires a large amount of time, effort, patience and a counsellor when you start giving up on life.

A likelier scenario would be being invited to a less fancy place which gives you more than just a handful of food for BDT 2000, or maybe their home. In this case, wearing something formal would definitely be strange even though we've all seen stranger things by now; a good idea would be to go smart-casual and wear a well-fitting shirt and jeans. For girls, just don't wear anything that would cause an elderly lady with a self-issued law degree to charge you.

Be normal around them: You'll be asked about your family and yourself. They aren't 'flying_kitty_pig69' from Tumblr, so I advise you to be cautious. Regarding your parents, regardless of how bland their jobs may be, don't whine about them. If they ask what you do, do NOT tell them you've got a full-degree in memeology and a full-time job at 'Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.' as your Facebook profile states. Maybe something nice and normal: like being a contributor at the meme page 'Elastic Economics Memes for Entrepreneurial Teens' or something similar.

They might ask you what your intention with their offspring is; this is much likelier to happen if you're a guy. Tell them they won't need to worry about this, because negative treatment leads to your S.O running off and God knows if you'll ever be strong enough to go for another walk in the park if that happens.

These three things are the main points, but not the only ones you should know. Do not forget to take a shower, put on perfume and brush up. Bring along a gift of some sort to put on a false impression that you know how to socialise; and avoid the touchy topic of the desher bari. Especially if it's that one desher bari that apparently wants to be its own division.

Rasheed Khan is a hug monster making good music but terrible puns and jokes where he's probably the only one laughing. Ask him how to pronounce his name at aarcvard@gmail.com