A Very Reasonable at-home Workout Guide

Dearest fellow human, I know you very well. 

As you take a ginormous bite on the Triple Whoopie Burger with four cheese slices and extra mayo, you look at the gym clothes lying in front of you and immediately regret the decision of ordering in the delicious, juicy substance of joy that makes your tummy feel so happy. Consequently, you promise to take yourself to the gym the next day to lose all that you have gained. However, the next day never comes and you find yourself stuck in a cycle of remorse as you finish the fifth tub of ice cream in a week.

Fear not, you have come to just the right place. Fellow human, I welcome you to the perfect at-home workout guide. 

This guide will help you boost your confidence and build your muscles in just one day, all the while in the comfort of your own house. Let us begin by patting ourselves on the back for getting this newspaper and reading thus far. You have already taken an important step to get healthy, wealthy and wise. 

Now, fellow human, your first exercise is to pick up your textbooks and use them as dumbbells. Considering how little of the several thousand books you have read, I'm guessing they are still in mint condition and will help you flex that arm, let you stabilise your muscles. This can also be a way to show your mom and your tutor that you have indeed worn out the books by reading them. You will surely get a good body if you do this exercise at least twice a day but I can't really guarantee a GPA 5. Maybe you can ask you-know-who for that.

The second step is to make a roti round. First make a ball of dough with flour and think about the pain your mother goes through every morning when she has to make 20 of these for you and the rest of the family. Once you have kneaded the dough, take a rolling pin and move it till your roti gets a perfectly circular shape. This will not just help your wrists, your arms, and your shoulders but also will guarantee a good husband because marriage is all about round rotis.

Now that you have completed steps 1 and 2, I'm guessing you are slightly exhausted. But you can't really go and lie down on your bed because you're a horrible person and your bed is a mess. So for step 3, get on your bed and do squats each time you pick up an item from your bed and put it in the right place. Once you are done, lie down on your stomach, stare at your ceiling and have an existential crisis.

For step 4, call your best friend or whomever really and whine to them about how hard you are working to maintain your weight and how it's still not being effective. Cry out loud and have a nervous breakdown. Start a fight with them if they tell you they are busy. Have an anxiety attack and put up a status update about it tagging 160 of your friends. Remember, step 4 is how you carry out your cardiovascular activity of the day. 

For step 5, fellow human, walk up to your refrigerator and 

get that sixth tub of ice cream. 

You, my friend, have earned it well.